The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AD has broken off all communication from our family (except with her older sister) since my AH's memorial service this past January. Her twin sister, who is getting married in October, tried one last desperate attempt to make contact with her this past weekend. She and her fiancee visited the bar and grill where my AD works and tried to talk to her about working things out and about her coming to her twin sister's wedding. The end result was my AD having her sister and her fiancee being asked by the restaurant manager to vacate the restaurant immediately. My daughter was heartbroken. She misses having her sister in her life and wants so much for her to come to her wedding. My AD was supposed to be in the wedding, but that reality ended when she cut the family off in January. My AD is still very angry and is letting others know that SHE is the victim and that she deserves an apology from all of us. An apology for what? For that, we have no clue since she won't talk to anyone about what her issues are.
In the past, I would have dove right into this drama and tried to make contact some way with my AD to try to get her to talk to her sister. I would have gathered the family and asked them to all try to convince her that she is being unreasonable and will someday regret her decision to isolate. But, with the help of Al-Anon, my sponsor and my HP, I know that I need to keep the focus away from my AD and continue to work on me. I continue to work on detaching. My daughter is trying to make sense of her sister's behavior, but like I told her this week, you're trying to "buy bread at a hardware store." In other words, she is trying rationalize the actions of an irrational person.
I love and miss my AD so much. Having the loss of my AH, and now the loss of my AD in our lives during the past eight months is even more painful for all of us. But we will make it through this trying journey. Our HP has a plan for us and we just need to keep listening to Him right now. Going to meetings and talking things over with my sponsor have been so helpful- and so much better than obsessing about my AD and her issues. I just hope that somehow she wakes up and realizes that isolating herself might not be the best way to go forward. But that is up to her, and not me or her other family members. She will continue to live her life on her own terms, right or wrong.
God, grant the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
Sounds like some great program there. And who knows what the future holds? She may surprise everyone -- but in her own time. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
Glad to know you aren't allowing the disease to help isolate you from loved ones and other support systems during this very difficult time for you, too. You are going through some really major transitions here and are wisely continuing your recovery work. Lots of encouragement and support for you as you plan your daughter's wedding with her and enjoy all there is to enjoy in the process with her, too.
Hi Tasha: From the "Frequently Asked Questions" post, which can be accessed on the top of this discussion board:
8. Q. Is there somewhere I can find out what abbreviations mean?
A. On almost all chat rooms and bulletin boards people use abbreviations to speed up saying commonly used phrases.
This link: http://www.city-net.com/~ched/help/lingo/chatslang.html can provide you with abbreviations common to all chat rooms/boards.
Some abbreviations and terms that are more specific to recovery chat rooms/boards:
A or The A : the alcoholic in my life
AA : Alcoholics Anonymous
ABF or AGF : alcoholic boy friend or girlfriend
AFG : Al-Anon Family Groups
AH or AW : alcoholic husband or wife
Active A : an alcoholic who is still drinking alcohol
Big Book : refers to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
CAL : Conference Approved Literature, writings that have been approved by the WSO
C2C or CTC : courage to change
CLOSED MEETING : a meeting of AA or Al-Anon that is only to be attended by members who qualify for either AA or Al-anon
CROSSTALK : During an Al-anon meeting cross talking is speaking when someone else has the floor and is sharing. It is also cross talking when, after another member shares, someone shares and comments directly about what the other person's share was about and directs it to that person. Both of these things are generally discouraged at Al-anon meetings because it disrupts the meeting, takes away the anonymity of the person's share and can also become "advice giving" which is also discouraged in Al-anon.
DRY DRUNK : refers to an alcoholic who is no longer drinking alcohol but who is still exhibiting a lot of the negative behaviors associated with the drinking
ESH : experience, strength and hope
FTF or F2F : a Face-to-Face meeting; real world meetings
HALT : Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired
JADE : Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain
MIP : Miracles in Progress
ODAAT : one day at a time
OPEN MEETING : a meeting of AA or Al-Anon that may be attended by anyone who is interested.
Q-tip : Quit taking it personally
TYFS OR TFS : Thank you for sharing
WSO : World Service Organization Al-Anons headquarters
If someone puts your nickname in parenthesis (((((nickname))))) that means they are giving you a cyber hug!
I didn't ask for this, but I sure appreciate you putting this on the board, Green Eyes. Thank you for giving guidance on where to find these abbreviations and for listing them, too. That was a gift of service for those of us who might be reticent in asking the question. (((GE)))
I wanted to pm you, too, on your share. My son cut ties with me when he was a teen when he moved to his Dad's house many States away.
When he got older, he told me he did that because he knew I wouldn't let him get away with anything, but his AF would. During that time of separation, I was able to give my daughter some undivided attention that she craved but didn't let me know she needed. My son demanded constant attention. My daughter was an honor roll student, pretty easy to be with, and didn't seem to require the energy that my son did.
I understand the daughter who is getting married is hurting a lot right now because her sister has cut ties for now, but who knows this won't turn out a special blessing for your daughter and for you? It could turn out to be exactly what everyone needs for now? Don't know. Just wondering.
Thanks everyone for your support. My daughter called me last night to let me know that her twin (my AD) contacted her my email. My AD wrote that she is hurt and needs time to heal. She is still very much "playing the victim," and says that her dad was her best friend (her dad was an alcoholic who died of his disease) and that she misses him so much (as do all of us in the family). But at least she is responding back to her sister for the first time after almost 8 months. Maybe the door has cracked open just a tiny bit. In the meantime, I will stay on my side of the fence and work on my serenity. I trust my HP to take the lead on this.
Thanks for the update, GE. And sorry I didn't pm you as I thought. Answered the phone and forgot what screen I was on. Geez! I hope I'm on the right screen now. Smile.
