The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Are all alcoholics so arrogant? My husband could be the poster child of it. He is always better than everyone else - especially when he drinks. When we would go out - he would zero in on someone and start picking on them. He's very sarcastic and cruel - he seems to know a person's weak spot and he'll zero in on it and really cut that person down. He's says he doing it all in fun or that person deserves it. He especially likes to cut my family apart. We grew up with an alcoholic father and mother. We all have our quirks but we're basically nice people. I have stopped going out with him because I don't want to be a part of this.
We only go out with a certain group of people in town. All of his buddies that drink and the wives that put up with it. I sure he's got in trouble at work with this - but he would never say so.
He's beaten me down in the same way - he's always right and I am always wrong - because I have a weird way of thinking because I grew up in an alcoholic family.
Am I right? I don't even know what is right and wrong anymore - I feel so beat down and tired.
Nancy of course you are right. Do not listen to the alcohol talking. It will make you crazy! Of course arrogance can be a problem when it is all about them! My A put me down until I had no self esteem left. I have run from one to the next never working on me. Don't waste your life like I did. Go to f2f meetings and read the literature. Work on you...you are special and worth the effort! Detach from his crazyness and focus on what you can change. For me focusing on what I could not change made me insane. Now I am a much more serene and happy person.
reason being is that an alcoholic deep down inside knows his/her weaknesses so we like to live in 'our world' the world that makes us comfortable so we can continue to lie to ourselves that there is nothing wrong with us.
arrogance is the holier than thou attitude that we have to have to continue to do what we do.......deflection deflection deflection.
and the act of drinking just amplifys this.
the act of drinking is only a symptom to the disease meaning
alcohol-ism
the ism is the stuff we deal with in the steps....
it's not the drinking thats the diseae its the feelings that make it a disease
we have a disease of the feelings.....things we avoid at all costs
thats why in recovery we need 'rigorous honesty' with ourselves and the humility to own up to our feelings and move past them or to learn healthy ways of expressing them.
that is why hitting bottom is so importiant for us so we learn that our way of thinking and feeling doesnt work and to feel enough pain so we can look at this honestly with ourselves.
thats why the best help for an alcoholic is no help.
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'...when you see only one set of foot prints, it was then that I carried you....' (Footprints)
After reading your post, I thought to myself, this is me and my life for the last five years. I can relate, I lived in a drunken relationship, ended up losing my children because of it. My son won't talk to me and my daughter will not have anything to do with me at all even though I have left him and have changed my ways. He did not only beat me down he also beat me up.
hi Nancy, It does seem that this behavior is common with most all A's.
They feel so ashamed and guilty inside they put on this "ACT" that in some ways, sick ways, it makes them feel better, important, smarter. This is the disease not the person you love being held hostage inside.
For some reason putting you down, tears you down enough that you won't say anything to them, about them. The disease gets in control of you.
This is what makes it so vital for us to take care of us, build our own love for ME. Get to know you, do things for you. Start simple, read literature,"Getting Them Sober" is excellent. When ya take a bath or shower make it special for you, candles smelly pretty soap, music. Take naps, For me cleaning makes me feel better. I love to see my cute house all clean.
Which is a lot of work with ten dogs...oh and one pig in here. But he is so clean.
Anyway, I took lots of classes when I was in college on womens issues. Learned so much about me.
So he is a braggart and obnoxious, it has no reflection on you. I would not go with him either. When my A is cruel I leave the room, kick him out, hang up or shoot him...hehe
It is the disease controlling them. I refuse to give it any energy. It is a cancer a thing with no heart so screw it.
MY loved one is being held hostage inside. I will not give the dang disease any any any control over me.
this is old, but to me I picture a wad of cancer going yap yap yap.\
When the A is arrogant it makes me feel very sad. It is not unlike a teenager who thinks they know everything. But they know inside they are scared and do not feel they fit in.
And if you don't buy into the bs. it really helps them. They don't have to feel guilty becuz the disease hurt you. They know you don't buy the bs.
Now sometimes their behavior does hurt. My A told lies about me to his friend. I have made it clear it is a boundary for me, that he and friend and I are sitting down and he is telling friend it was the A talking. Friend is also A and was a counselor for Serenity lane.This is for me not anyone else.
He cannot forcus on himself cuz then he is admitting something is wrong.
We don't mind focusing on us becuz we want to feel better, be better.
Please please don't allow the bs disease to pull you down anymore. As far as arguing,I never, ever argue. I just say oh really, oh you must be right, or I don't say anything and stop listening.
Give yourself a break please. I don't know your circumstances but I found it took me about a month of naps, eating well, focusing on ME. Looking at hey I need new underwear, and some slippers. I would like some strawberry sorbet.
I would like to rent Ladyhawke and watch hit for the millionth time.
My A would focus on my animals. I am a passionate animal lover. They are my family. I never, ever stopped doing my passion of rescue becuz of him. I tell ya he made me miserable more than once. Believe me, it is horrible being beat down and going off to do a 31 horse rescue, or saving two abandoned pot bellied pigs in a barn who hate people.
I am retired at it now, but did a bit of dog rescue. I placed a few and now I have ten dogs. I thought well now he will never come back. ya right.
I have five acres all fenced so it is easy to have this many, well cept when ya gotta wash off ten times four paws. Well nine, one uses the doggy door. one sigh
lol You should see me now, one in my lap, one on the recliner, two on the futon. two on the couch two on blankies on the floor, one in my bed and one under the bed.
lol anyway I hope you will take a day at a time, do your best, do for you. Allow him the dignity to be him.
I don't thnk all alcoholics are really arrogant, I believe it's an act, only they don't know it. Alcoholics usually have some underlying reason why they drink. In arrogant ones I think they are very insecure in reality. What better way to deny your insecurities and to prove that you are "the man" then to make a public display?
If they only knew how obvious.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 11:38, 2006-01-16
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I agree with all other posts regarding the A's insecurities within themselves that they project onto others. See if they are pointing out someone else's defects, no one is looking at them. It's all an inside job.
For you newbies who are living under a controlling person that is an A. Alcohol is the anesthetizer for all that they don't want to see themselves or acknowledge or take any action on.
This book is not CAL (Conference Approved Literature) however I highly recommend it. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It is an amazing read that will validate you and all you've been feeling and why we sink so low in self-esteem that we get to the point where we wonder "why bother?" I don't know where I'd be today, if someone had not suggested that book to me which I read and was the catalyst for me to begin to change my life.
Keep coming and keep posting but we also have to do the footwork on our own lives and then leave the rest up to the Higher Power of our understanding.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Arrogance is a great cover for fear . and yes it's very common in A's. Our problem is allowing them to speak to us the way u describe. We teach people how to treat us. that statement really pissed me off when i heard it. but i understood what they were saying.
When I started to say don't talk to me like that or I am leaving the room things changed for me, if he didnt stop I left the room, occasionally left the house . It really dosen't take long for them to understand u can't argue with a empty room. As long as it's safe for you to do so and don't have to worry about physical abuse its a great way to set your first boundary.
His friends will take care of him , your not responsible for his behavior when out so just ignore the comments but u don't have to participate in them either. keep changing the topic. he will get the message. I hope you are attending meetings for yourself. Educating yourself about the disease of alcoholism was a big help to me made me realize it wasn't personal . I was not the reason he drank and Iprobably wouldn't be the reason he STOPED .
Are all alcoholics so arrogant? My husband could be the poster child of it. He is always better than everyone else - especially when he drinks. When we would go out - he would zero in on someone and start picking on them. He's very sarcastic and cruel - he seems to know a person's weak spot and he'll zero in on it and really cut that person down.
He's says he doing it all in fun or that person deserves it. He especially likes to cut my family apart. We grew up with an alcoholic father and mother. We all have our quirks but we're basically nice people.
He's beaten me down in the same way - he's always right and I am always wrong - because I have a weird way of thinking because I grew up in an alcoholic family. Am I right? I don't even know what is right and wrong anymore - I feel so beat down and tired.
i think instead of "arrogance" it is the fact that they would rather put someone ELSE down, rather than get into recovery...face themselves....pull themselves UP....misery loves company......every A i have ever had the bad luck to be around was this way or similiar.....they are just negative people who just keep making bad karma and drink their booze and so in denial...that is why i take NOTHING of what they say to me to heart..........
my favorite brother insulted me a couple of weeks ago, and i had to STOMP him with some boundaries....i flat out told him, that i loved him, yes, but if he wants me to talk with him, he is going to THROW OUT the abuse crap, becuz i do NOT live with it...will NOT allow it.....i am in recovery and that is NOT part of my life anymore.....well he is pretty compassionate and decent so i got an apology, and promise to not repeat....but for the most part??? A's are so miserable, they have to spread it!!!! negativity is easier than living in the light/positive...one has to be disciplined and HONEST, and humble to stay in the light........just my take.....please take what u can use..leave the rest......... OH!! it is HIS inventory , not urs. u just keep taking care of u... hang in there...rosie
In my experience, the answer to your question is YES, and it's not just male alcoholics who qualify! My ex-A, who struggled for a long time before choosing sobriety, used to say she didn't want to go to AA because "those people are real drunks, they are losers".... Yep, she was better than them, better than me, and better than everyone else - particularly when she was drinking!! One of the greatest parts of her recovery through AA, is the humility that it has brought her.....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My A is arrogant. I just said that too him this weekend. But what does that make me? It seems to be a trait. I know it all. I am better than everyone especially you! is th message that comes from my A. It must cover up their insecurities and that is how they compensate. I have to work at keeping my mouth shut because it just causes a fight. Sometimes I think that you shouldn't listen to a thing that an A says. I have to return to the Alanon principles of focusing on myself and what I say.
No Nancy, I don't think so. I think arrogance is arrogance and it has little to do with whether the arrogant person drinks. My A is not arrogant at all. Maybe he's different. When he drinks, he is an a**h***. Does that qualify???? LOL!!! Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Yes I was, maybe I still am, but I'm working on it. This is why step work is so important for us. Doing a complete and honest 4th and 5th step we can really see ourselves for the first time. But only if done very honestly and with the desire to be thorough to be free from our disease. I hope I'm getting there, I was a judgemental a-hole for most of my life.
i don't really don't have anything more to add just to listent to what those who have been in al anon for awhile have to say. Julia has it right. It's simple and straight forward.....go to meetings, focus on yourself and just keep repeating that. Meetings, focus on yourself.
I used to try to analyze what my A was doing, why he was doing it and what did I need to do to fix it. I have been told repeatedly that I think too much. I was told I need to stop trying to figure this whole al anon thing out and just do it. Kind of like the Nike ad! I was slow to jump into al anon which I later found out is because I just didn't want to look at myself. It seemed like too much to handle at the time. I am so thankful that I stopped trying to do all my own thinking and started listening to those who know! I hear alot in AA meetings about being told to do everything your sponsor tells you to do. "If they tell you to roll an acorn across the floor using your nose then do it because somehow it is going to help you!" Living for so long around active A's can really distort a person's thinking. I too felt like I didn't know what was normal or right anymore. I am getting better and you are right. The A can act so wrong, and no you aren't causing it. It has helped me alot to keep going to meetings, to continue coming to this board. Alot of good help here and at f2f meetings.
