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Hello, all, I am still struggling with an in-law. I think I gave him too much credit - probably had expectations I shouldn't have had for him - and thought we could work through some long held feelings. I - unfairly, I think now - brought up the past, which is something he cannot change. He is an important person in my life, but I do not trust him because he cannot and does not know how to keep safe relationship boundaries. Now, since he got hurt and angry, he is ignoring me. Not speaking. Acting as if I don't exist. I have a feeling I can't name - anxiety??? Whenever I think of him or my husband speaks to him, I feel this uncomfortable feeling. I think he is really unable to have a real conversation, but I guess I ws hoping he could. I know my problem is not like the ones many of you are having, but I did want to share, and hope someone will respond with your ESH. I am grateful to all of you in Alanon for all I have received by being part of this fellowship for a long time. Lately I am so aware that it has only been through Alanon that I learned to take care of myself. Blessings to you all. mebjk
I recently had two conflicts with two different friends. Both involved boundary issues. When I brought my concerns up to my friends, they were understanding, empathetic, and apologetic. We were really able to talk things through and get to a clear understanding of the situation. My friends were so great about the situations, I immediately calmed down. I was so appreciative of how they responded to my concerns.
My friends are able to talk about stuff and I am greatful. I've had to realize, much to my sadness, that not everyone in my life is able to talk with me in the same way. Sometimes, I've had to give up a "clearing of the air" and "coming to a real understanding through conversation," and simply enforce my boundaries and forgo the conversation. Hard, I know!
By getting angry at you and defensive, your relative has effectively (it sounds like from what you say), turned the tables on you, and made your behavior wrong (bringing up the past), not his (serious relationship boundary violations). He may really not know how to talk about these things. If this is the case, I encourage you to still take care of YOU and set the boundaries you need to even if it means facing his negative response.
my inlaws don't drink but they are very dysfunctional. I don't talk to my mother in law anymore because I never know when she is going to be rude. She can go from nice to rude at a moment's notice and I don't deserve that kind of treatment. I take care of me. I have detached from my in laws
I'm sorry you are having a rough time with your in law. I am really good at bringing up the past to release my feelings and not realising that the other person is not ready to deal with it. I end up with that same anxious feeling, and they end up on the defensive. I try to remember that even though I may not have picked the right time, I do have a right to deal with my feelings about the past. Sometimes I need the person involved to help me, sometimes not. I hope you find a peaceful place until it gets resolved.
After six years in recovery now I have learned that I need to say what I mean, mean what I say, but not say it mean. But I do have to tell someone that I care about what's bothering me in the nicest way possible otherwise nothing will change.
Perhaps your inlaw is in denial; perhaps they know what you said about how you felt is true and they feel bad but don't know how to fix it and would rather "pretend" that it doesn't exist; perhaps they, like me, never learned the "tools" for have a real relationship about conversations and learning how to deal with disappointment in life. It could be so many things. Someone who's a double winner in my F2F meetings said this "It's a spiritual axiom that when anything bothers me, no matter what the source, something is wrong with me." And that being applied to your inlaw who's ignoring you means that something is really eating them and has nothing to do with you "really."
I hope this all makes sense. After 40 years of stuffing my feelings and not talking about my boundaries, I thought I was gonna die -- literally and figuratively. It's ok to establish your boundaries and consistently enforce them "in the kindest way possible."
I had a situation at work recently. This woman would treat me differently when others were around. Basically ignore me and so at first it really bothered me because when no one else was around, it was like I was ok "chopped liver" ha, ha. Well I did say something to her very nicely. She chose to blow it off. Again some time passed and still the same thing was happening. I once more said something to her about how I felt. She blew it off. At that point, it was wreaking havoc with my serenity, and I spend way to many hours at work so I finally let go of her. I stopped going to break and I began to get comfortable again because I wasn't allowing someone else to treat me less than. Others at work noticed that I stopped taking a break with them and they were sad but I explained the situation to one of them and she understood completely. Now I go to work, happy as a lark, because I've not allowed her to rob me of my serenity.
I hope you can do the same with your inlaw. Be who you are. Love who you are. Don't change who the basic "you" is. Take good care of you and leave your inlaw in the hands of the God of your understanding.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I think one thing that has turned out to be a blessing to me is that my boyfriend's mother has turned out to be such a bitch. When he was sick which he was this past year she did nothing for him. After a long period of resentment and corrosive anger I've at a point where its okay to let go. Allow yourself a process of feeling angry, testing boundaries and see what happens. No one can tell you what to do they are your in laws but you can try a lot of al anon tools and see what happens.
My boyfriend's mother has her own dysfunctional issues I know that. I don't take it personally but I also dont' allow her to come into my life much. She is very selfish, narcissitic and abusive in subtle ways. Who needs it? For a time when I was people pleasing which I did compulsively I tried and tried and tired. I gave it a good shot and then I gave up. I can't say I didn't try I did. At the same time when I saw the way she was when my boyfriend was sick I got very angry. Who needs someone just in good times? I don't. I most need people in the hard times and they are the people I will be loyal to. She isn't one of them. He can of course and I have had to learn to get out of the way of that (and that is difficult). I work on that all the time.
Perhaps an one on one apology to the man in question might help? (keep it simple) and then let it go. You know u can't trust him but it's still possible to be civil. If after you apologize he still dosen't talk to you its his problem.not yours.
And one of our defects is that we want people to like us, welll thats great but not everyone will and it's really not necessary. My part in any relationship is to be polite and respectful and if they have a problem with me , it is thier problem . I love the l ine YOUR OPINION OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS. good luck Louise
No matter what boundaries we set up, our in laws are part of our family. We can limit contact with them, but they are still there.
While your relative may not be able to deal with things, maybe you should apologize for him being hurt. Make your amends and know that you handles it fairly and what he does from there is his problem not yours.
I say this because the chance to clear your own contience might not always be there.
I have learned that I need to say what I mean, mean what I say, but not say it mean. But I do have to tell someone that I care about what's bothering me in the nicest way possible otherwise nothing will change.
so I finally let go of her. I stopped going to break and I began to get comfortable again because I wasn't allowing someone else to treat me less than. Others at work noticed that I stopped taking a break with them and they were sad but I explained the situation to one of them and she understood completely. Now I go to work, happy as a lark, because I've not allowed her to rob me of my serenity.