jersey

congrats on ur sobriety!

my name is rebecca and im 24. my ex boyf. is an alcoholic and drug addict. he has been in and out of rehab and treatmnt centres all over the place...it doesnt work. i met him when he was clean and sober for abot 18 mths... we became friends and about 2 mths after that we began dating... we were going out until august of last year...(a total of 16 mths).

my "A" was the kindest, sweetest, gentlest guy aound. he used to text me every morning telling m how much he loved me, always left little love you notes around our apartment....we went on our 1st proper holiday abroad last summer to salou.. he set up his own business with my backing and encouragement and i was the happiest i had ever been. he even used to call to my family without me...for dinner etc... they all loved him to bits.

his scumbag friends came out of rehab and prisons etc... and they tracked him down..(he had re-located due to previous hassles with crimes, drug dealers etc...) they told him they were clean and sober but they werent. the secret texts and phone calls started...the hiding of his phone, going out at night "for a walk".... i knew in my leart i was losing him...and i was powerless to stop it.

jersey... i cannot put into words the pain and hurt i felt and still feel in my heart. even though we broke up last august... i still cry myself to sleep at night.... i think of how much he is hurting... how much we made..plans etc.... a home...kids... we used to lie in bed at night and 1st thing in the morning at weekends and talk about where we were gonna go,buy property, kids names etc... we even went looking for an engagement ring.

......when i started nagging him about going to meetings etc... i was considered to be "the enemy".. the "MAD ONE! bear in mind i wasnt the one swallowing D10's and 30 sleeping pills in 2 days. when i left him...(i was an emotional wreck) i was actually afraid to be around him because his mood would change sooo drastically and suddenly you wouldnt know what to say or do. he started drinking heavily and partying...with all the slappers in the area... he had them in OUR apartment...OUR bed, the b***hs even used  MY towels to wipe off their make up. that betrayal was the worst he could have done. it was like a stab in the heart.

he got kicked out of the apartm. for not paying the rent and the drug squad were circling the house most nights in their patrol car. he disappeared for 4 days...no one knew where he was or where he went. he went into rehab for 3 mths and only lasted 8 weeks. went home to his family home where he stayed over xmas. then he started abusing the pills again...fighting erupted at home..a doctor was punched, parents have a barring order n him now... hestayed in a homless shelter for 4 nights...ringing me every day begging me to help him. i couldnt let him stay with me... no way... so i found him a home in the city. he is there a week tues.... but hes not himself... i know by the texts and phonecalls he is doped out of his head.

jersey... i hate this disease and addictions... i have sooo much anger and hate iside me...it is eating me up.... i hate seeing him not helping himslef...or helping himself for a small while and then giving up. its like watching someone you love drowning in a river and not being able to throw them a rope even though they are going under....your screaming and crying at them....to save themselves but they cant.

jersey...you have no idea how much that hurts...none.

i would love to "detach with love" as the slogan says...but i cant. My head is saying RUN FOR THE HILLS... and my heart is saying..."why...why did he have to hurt me like this...why couldnt he have just been normal...why cant he fight it...why cant i let go...."

anger, anxious, fear, depression, physically sick.........these are all the things i suffered from when i broke up with him. i lost over a stone and a half in 3 weeks....and i was a size 6...SO you can guess everyone thought i was suffering from anorexia. i couldnt swallow a morsel..or i vomited...the lump in my throat and my chest was unreal...i couldnt eat, sleep or think straight....my sleep now is still full of nightmares.

the hurt and pain never goes away...how can it. i never stopped loving him.... but i cant be with him... the trust is gone... the hope is gone.

.....our dreams are gone!

thats how this horrible f**ked up disease affected my life jersey....

if i didnt have this website i would have ended up in a psych ward (prob in a bed next to me ex)

i thought i was the only one who felt like this...who just fealt despair and disbelief at what their lives had become...you feel numb after a while..you stop believing in love...and hope...and happy ever afters...it doesnt exist.

i was naive and stupid when i went out with my ex..i thought if i could make him happy...he wouldnt feel the need to go back to "that life"....but i was wrong.

all i can d is pray that i will get better in time.... and im not a religious or spiritual person 99% of the time.

hope that makes sense to you jersey.

rebecca xxx

Hello Jersey,

Welcome! Congratulations on your sobriety, and decision to look into AlAnon. I can see in my husband, who is the alcoholic, addict and bipolar in my life, how his feelings about his parents, family and friend's present and prior use of drugs and alcohol influences his addictions and attitudes. In my old fantasies of him deciding that AA or Alanon is needed in his life, I would often wonder which was needed more. I give you loads of credit for going beyond and being willing to look at this area in your life too.

I enjoy reading from How Al Anon Works, and, The Language of Letting Go, the most. Along with the pamphlets available.

Glad you are here, keep coming back!

Jennifer