The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I thought I would begin to feel better as I began to work on me but I am just so lost right now. I do not know what to do with myself, my decisions, my life. My A is still staying at his dad's. I miss him, but don't tell him that very often. I am so scared of getting sucked back in that I think I am building a wall around myself and my feelings. Not unlike the one that I had built while he was here. I am so overwhelmed with it all. Why does it still feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I can feel myself slipping backwards, I would love to just stay in my house and go no where. I have told no one how I am feeling, not even sure if I am telling myself. I do not hug back when he hugs me, why, I might just lose myself in him. Crying now... this is just to hard to face.....I want to trust him, but can't. Believe me that it would be a whole hell of a lot easier to just throw in the towel and go back to the way things were. I hate this!!!!! Can't write anymore, cannot even wrap my brain around it...
I think that it is ok to miss him and tell him. I miss my husband terribly and just try to be honest and tell him. We just need to make sure that life goes on for us. That we are making progress in our recovery. Keep fakin' it until you make.
I so do understand how you feel! It is crazy to miss them so much when the relationship causes so much chaos! I cried over an A for 4 years! He is sober now and I still miss him. Even though I know it will nvr work out. I miss the dream...the dream I had of us.
Sorry you are hurting hon. It's perfectly ok to fake it till you make it. I've done it plebty of times. Lasy year when we were in Jamaica for daughter's wedding son and new son in law had a fist fight. I had to choke down my dinner and pretend that I was ok. This isn't an easy journey. Lots of bumps in the road, but you know that it is better than the alternative. All that insanity. Who needs it? You are going great Lynn. Keep going to the meetings, coming here and sharing. It will get better with program.
(((confused)))) I know what you mean. I feel like I fake it almost every day. But, after a while of faking, I do actually start to feel better. It's weird. It's too bad we can't pick who we fall in love with...that would make it easier. Keep coming here, and talking, we'll always be here for you, I know it's helped me a lot..calmed me down when I was climbing the walls, soothed me when I was bawling my eyes out. In here, we're all the same, basically. And you will receive unconditional love. I'm actually starting to like myself a little bit! YOU ARE WORTH IT!
(((((((lynn))))))) im sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. i know what your going through missing your a and not wanting to get sucked back in. but i did allow him back. i dont consider that now as being sucked back in as i wasnt ready to let go yet. we have both been going to meetings and i have been reading so much alanon lit. this new sobriety is pretty hard to deal with. at times he lets his program slip and i get really scared he will relapse and things will go back to how they used to be. but for now he is still sober and i have to enjoy the moments with him. im trying so hard not to nag and to show him i do love him. when he hugs me i hug back. im glad your posting about what your going through, it helps lighten the load on your shoulders. im praying for you and your a and hope to talk to you again soon. tc
your sis in recovery
notsonew:)
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
It's natural to hurt and be confused at a time like this. Remind yourself of why things are the way they are right now. Why is your husband living at his dads? What was the causes leading up to him moving there? Ask yourself if things went back to exactly what they were like the day before he left, would you honestly want it to be like that again?
We try to protect ourselves by not letting others know how we're feeling inside. We're too afraid of being hurt again. Honest and open communication I believe is the key factor in any marriage. Addiction makes it very hard to keep those lines of communication open. I see nothing wrong with letting your husband know you miss him. That's not saying you are willing to let things go back to the way they were, it's just being honest about how YOU feel.
Try to take things just ONE single day at a time. You can do for 12 hours what you couldn't possibly think you could do for a week straight. It helps us to look ahead only in small time frames. Sometimes one hour at a time. Whatever it takes to get through a difficult time.
Pray and seek your Higher Powers will for your life, your marriage and your future. Don't expect too much too fast in working your program. It's taken years to get to the point where your life is unmanageable. It's gonna take time to get things manageable again. Easy does it. Progress not perfection. Make small daily goals for yourself every day. Nothing overwhelming.....just small ones so that at the end of the day you can feel a sense of accomplishment. When I feel too overwhelmed and I still manage to vacuum, I feel a sense of accomplishment. May sound silly but it's true.
I know you wish you could trust him, but that too is going to take time. Once someone has broken our trust in them, it takes time and effort on their part for us to be able to rebuild that trust. Again.....easy does it. If at all possible try to attend some face to face meetings. It will help you not to isolate, it will give you something positive to do for yourself, you will make new friends who truely understand how you feel and what you are going through, and it will be a tremendous help to your recovery.
Keep sharing.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
