The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
-Even though my ex and I broke up right before Christmas, I was able to have a wonderful Christmas for MYSELF. I did cry and cry when I heard the news. Then, I asked myself, "How can I take care of myself during this time?" I made a plan for how to celebrate and spent a restful relaxing holiday by myself.
-I set a boundary for myself to not be back in contact with my ex until I felt I could really handle contact.
-I have started to see the way I try to talk myself into things...For example, noticing when I say to myself "If we just had ONE more conversation, I know we could resolve this" or "If I could just write the perfect letter explaining how to resolve our problems, then we could resolve them" I have tried this approach MANY times, so I know this is not actually true.
-I am beginning to look at my MOTIVES for doing things and identifying when I am doing stuff to people-please, or because I'm afraid of a negative reaction.
-I am starting to know the difference of my obsessive thinking that for so many years I thought was "working" on the relationships I'm in and actually working on the relationships I'm in.
-When I'm in crisis, my mind immediately goes to the slogans: Keep it simple, Take care of me FIRST, One day at a time, etc.
-I take care of myself EVERY day, and do special things for myself on a regular basis. I've gotten two massages in the last month!
I can so identify with your post. I have been separated from my husband since June. I miss him terribly and am always one step away from a phone call. He made all the decisions about our separation. I have felt so helpless. I did as you did and was determined to have a good holiday season for me and my three sons. Having read your post, it makes me look at my motives and obsession of trying to work on the relationship. It is self motives on my side. I am sure that my husband senses this and probably feels manipulated. What has worked for me is making an effort to not go to the obsession room because once it starts there is no benefit. We are making progress even if it is baby steps. We will be better for it in the end.
I was able to have a wonderful Christmas for MYSELF. Then, I asked myself, "How can I take care of myself during this time?"
. -I set a boundary for myself to not be back in contact with my ex until I felt I could really handle contact. -
beginning to look at my MOTIVES for doing things and identifying when I am doing stuff to people-please, or because I'm afraid of a negative reaction. -
: Keep it simple, Take care of me FIRST, One day at a time, etc. -I take care of myself EVERY day, and do special things for myself on a regular basis.
great work!!! i too was alone for xmas and ny and i ENJOYED being with me.......the darkness cannot use my fear of aloneness/abandonment against me ANYmore, cuz i am making friends with me.....
and yes, setting boundaries on ME!!! when i first realized that "hey this applies to me/ my inner child, " i was so enlightened.....
when u can see ur own motives, that is gr8 step 4 work... good job....you did gr8....rosie
Dear BlueCloud, Thank you so much for your post. It has helped me to re-think my own motives in a difficult relationship. And I also appreciated the responses to your post. You have a lot of courage. Blessings, mebjk
