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I need a place to vent and to find people who understand. I suspect it is here. I live with a functional alcoholic woman. She's up to 5 bottles of wine a day. I've tried everything. Asking nicely and lovingly for her to stop. Expressing my fears for her health. Arguing. Even talking to her doctor (which set off a storm when he confronted her about it - that's a whole other story). Again recently addressing it with her which results in her getting angry at me for a few days. Now she just tries to hide it differently and continues the lies about it. She has a teen daughter who I know is aware of it. She honestly believes she's able to hide her inebriation from everyone. She fills her water glasses with wine thinking that's hiding it. I've reached the point where I hope that she will be pulled over and arrested because she needs some kind of wake up call. I also believe I'm an enabler because I can't seem to do anything to change her behavior. Should I just kick her and her kids out? I don't want to do that. I know that my next move has to be to simply tell her I'm going to go to a local Al-Anon meeting and that I need to worry about myself, not her drinking. If she chooses to endanger herself, well that's her choice (but it feels impossible to adopt that attitude). I'm sure that there are so many others who've been where I am now. I just needed to say this to someone who understands.
Hi, Coach. Glad you see you need to get to Al-Anon for you. I did want to respond to "I also believe I'm an enabler because I can't seem to do anything to change her behavior." What tears us up is believing there is anything we can do to change an alcoholic's behavior. We didn't cause the alcoholism. We can't control it. We can't cure it. Al-Anon helps us learn to put the focus on ourselves and what we can do to learn how to cope with a disease that we are powerless over and the alcoholic is, too.
You are doing what we've all learned we need to do. Accept that we are troubled by our loved one's drinking. Accept that we are frustrated and angry about it. Accept that we just don't know what to do next. Then, Al-Anon.
Welcome to MIP. We have this message board and on-line meetings. It is also suggested that you find a meeting near you for face-to-face interactions, phone lists, Conference Approved Literature.
Lots of support, Coach. You've done the best you can with the knowledge you have. Now, you're willing to gain more. That's all good. Alcoholism hits at our self-esteem. So, the sooner you get into Al-Anon, the sooner you can reclaim yourself and control of your own life.
Coach, as a recovering alcoholic I can only say that I used all those tricks you describe you AW using. I don't even know that I believed that the big sippie cup w as hiding my drinking so much as arming me to be able to say others were snooping cuz I wasn't drinking so "openly." It was just a ploy to get others off my back. The disease had me acting like others had the problem and why would they want to take away the one thing that made me relax and feel good? It didnt occur to me how disturbing that is to have alcohol as the "1 thing" that made me feel better than anything and it didn't occur until it was obviously the one thing also making me most miserable. I would try alanon and wait for it to work on you. Just changing your attitude overnight probably won't happen. Plus we all have different threshholds for what we can put up with and what is a deal breaker or is just intolerable. You can figure this stuff out in alanon and there is no timeline or rush. Letting go of her alcoholism may not occur how you currently envision or to the degree...but getting to alanon will set you on a more positive path. I hope you keep us posted.
First, I want to ask you, do you honestly believe that a someone who drinks "5 bottles of wine a day" is a "functional alcoholic" ??
Just in that statement alone you are minimizing the reality and seriousness of your wife's alcoholism. "Now she just tries to hide it differently and continues the lies about it." Does this qualify as a functional behavior to you, for real?
"I also believe I'm an enabler because I can't seem to do anything to change her behavior." It's not because you can't to do something about this problem that makes someone an enabler. Its what you are doing and how you are doing it. Just a few examples: Going to the store and buy the wine because you don't want her to drive, (in short, trying to intervene in her consequences), making excuses for her attitude or behavior with family, friends, children, etc., being her "secret keeper", which sets the stage for you to be dishonest with others. Those are just a few examples that enable the alcoholic to continue drinking.
Now, I do absolutely believe you have done everything you know how to do to reach the alcoholic in your life. I also believe that it has not provided you any results. That's what Step 1 of the 12 Step program is about. Admitting we are powerless over alcohol, that our lives have become unmanageable. We are not powerful enough to beat a disease like alcoholism, be it suffered by a family member or our self's. It is a medically recognized disease, without a medical remedy. Our efforts to try to "control it" fail miserably and our lives become very chaotic, and unmanageable as a result.
The alcoholic needs the help and support of other recovering alcoholics and to adapt a life based on spiritual principles to get the relief that is sought from alcoholism. No one can make them do this, the desire to stop drinking has to come from within themselves. We can beg, plead, shut down, threaten, and all the stuff I am sure you have already tried and it will not bring the results you desire but instead brings discouragement, disappointment, hurt, etc. The family members, who love the alcoholic are usually drowning the dis-ease of the alcoholism as well. We need the help and support of others who have been down the path of loving a alcoholic, recovering from our own issues related to it, reclaiming a life for ourselves that no longer dominated by worry, fear, anxiety, anger, trying to fix, arrange, rescue, protect, etc. We learn to live relatively happy lives, whether the alcoholic stops drinking or not, enjoy the fellowship of people who truly do understand, and try to live by spiritual principles as a result of working the 12 step program of Al-Anon. It gives us a place to take a time out, to be with others, to learn how to deal with situations and events, learn to not keep enabling, and provides us with a place of hope that let's us know we are not alone. Others have faced what we are facing.
I hope you will get to at least 6 Al-Anon meetings in your community before you determine its usefulness to you, and that you will give yourself a break and trust the recovery process to unfold in YOUR life. Also, you are welcome to post here on this board any time you want, and attend our online meetings. I just don't suggest you try to use online meetings as a substitute for face to face meetings locally in your community.
I remember someone saying to me.. "the alcoholic drinks and gets drunk.. its those that love them that go nuts trying to fix em', we need help too".
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I can't add to all these great shares, everyone said what was on my mind
AS long as you hold her "over the abyss" she is gonna think "i'm ok..I am not in jail, not facing any consequences, so I must be ok"
YOU are taking on her life lessons by enabling her...How is she gonna know she has a problem if you keep interferring with her lessons in life???? I would Let her go..to her own devices....if she drinks and drive??? call the cops on her...Get her busted and in jail...She needs to get slammed by her actions and slammed hard...and MAYBE she will wake up and realize she has a problem....MAYBE....some A's are stubborn, but either way, you need to back off...butt out....take care of you and Disconnect from her and her drinking....
I would get into the program and I would get on STEP one.....I am powerless over ............drinking and I will no longer fight this b/c I am totally powerless over this human being adn her actions"
Please re-read these shares you got from the others..They have good stuff to share w/you.....
I used to drink as a self medication divice....it wasn't that I was a real "A" but I was in so much pain, I self medicated...When I got into alanon and began to find me..Take care of me...take care of issues...Work the steps, go to meetings...I didn't need to self medicate anymore....Now I can take it or leave it and mostly I leave it...No interest...I want my program...yes, I am on meds for the anxiety and ptsd but I always "under dose" b/c I hate drugs...I hate anything negative in my body....
What I am saying here is that you need to focus on you and your recovery and your sanity.....I would back off her stuff...it aint yours....back off, but out, let her fall which she will do and learn her own lessons
When we enable, we actually do the person more harm than good...We prevent them from learning the hard lessons they need in order to have SOME hope that they may get into recovery.....if we Drop them and their problems..."Fire ourselves" as their keepers and enablers. MAYBE we can find our own sanity and they will be forced into recovery....its either recovery for this woman or its death....do you want that???? Do you want to take away any chance of her being forced into recovery???? by keeping up the enabling??? Of course not...
We didn't cause them to drink...we can't control their drinking....we dam sure can't cure it.....we are POWERLESS over other people..places and things..outside of our own skin....
YOU need YOU...alanon is the thing you need to grab onto w/both hands and take care of you..
PLEASE take everone's posts here to heart....They are spot on...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I guess you love her. And you keep looking for the person within, who appears to be slowly drowning. Going to a meeting means you are making a stand- but you are doing it in love.
Going to Alanon won't force a cure- it does not guarantee sobriety. A lot of us will turn around and continue trying to fix the drinking. And keep trying, and keep trying. What is the alternative?
We always hope and pray for healthy outcomes... always.
But sometimes a guy has to pull his own rip-cord. And then work out what to do next.
We always hope and pray for healthy outcomes... always.
But sometimes a guy has to pull his own rip-cord. And then work out what to do next.
A good share, mate.
DavidG.
This really says it...Your first obligation should be yourself.....This gal is in serious trouble and you cannot help her, fix her, cajole her to recovery, you are 1000000% powerless....that is fact...the only person you can help is you.....PLEASE keep coming back for the support, love and guidance that this program and this board and find some meetings and find a sponsor, b/c you are gonna need all that to get your bearings straight....
Alcoholism impacts everyone around the alcoholic, but you don't have to go down the coda rabbit hole w/her...You can save and help and regain yourself...but ONLY yourself....
She is a serious alkie to be up to 5 bottles of wine per day???? I hope she can get into AA before she dies from alcoholic poisoning....its sad....damned sad, but there is nothing we can do if they don't want to save themselves...
But you, my fellow alanoner, must stop helping her, enabling her, covering for her b/c to do so really lessens her chances of falling flat bottom and getting help.......the only hope for some of them, the ones who dig in and won't get help is to let them fall ....and fall HARD they will....and then MAYBE they will ask for help.....
Even if she does get help...YOU need to be working on you...please give this program a chance...It helped me huge...and I was a mess when I first came here, 11 years ago......Take care
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you to everyone for all of the support and suggestions and input. I have only been able to read them on and off this past weekend. I find that I have said over and over recently that "I'm going to just worry about me, I'm going to detach, there's nothing I can do about someone else's behavior." Then, it's hard to just stand by that. I'm getting better at it, but it's becoming clear that I should take that step and go to the local meeting. All of you have said things that resonate and have given me pause. Your comments have helped tremendously. Thank you and thank you again.
Thanks for the update, Coach. Sounds like your HP has been talking to you and you've been listening? Much support for you as you enter into the recovery process/program of Al-Anon. Keep coming back here, too.
HI coach,