The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's so amazing when all of a sudden a whole bunch of things come together and just begin to click. Things you knew deep down but ignored, and things you would never have known if you wouldn't have discovered it in yourself because you sought it out. I've learned so much about the disease of alcoholism in the last couple weeks, and I have so much more to learn. My beloved husband is getting help, really getting help this time. He is doing it the right way, thinking of himself. At first I was irritated and angry, which any normal person would be. Yet as I've come to a new understanding of things, and understanding his disease, it all makes sense. He really doesn't want this disease anymore than I want him to have it. Yet for him it is a tougher battle within himself, and he needs to find how to arrest that, by himself, without my interference. And the reason for this, is because I have been a big interference in his trying to recover in the past. This was because I held so much anger and resentment towards him. I blamed him for everything, yelled, cried, screamed, threatened. If only I knew then how much harm this had done him, but how was I to know? We are not brought up to treat alcoholism as such a disease like cancer. Yet it is. And for someone like my husband, it is a disease like cancer or diabetes. He CANNOT help it, all he can do is treat it, for the rest of his life, just as you would treat diabetes for the rest of your life. Although there is a difference with this disease, it leaves you with so much remorse and guilt over the ones you hurt. So they drink to try to numb that pain, yet that pain isn't numbed for long. In fact, it comes back with a vengence, and in my husbands case, leads him close to death. I helped that pain along, unknowingly. If I had known how much he was really struggling with this, if I had learned about his disease, if I had tried to treat myself and let go of my anger and resentment, I could have stepped off that merry-go-round. I was so arrogant and thought I knew everything. Thought I had everything in control as long as I could try to control his drinking. I cannot control his drinking. His drinking is his problem. Yet every time he'd quit for a short while, I would play pretend and think this was it and expect him to go right back into life like nothing happened. Then I'd throw out comments here and there, and make him feel bad, or tell him how bad he was. I treated him like a baby. I thought I was so right about everything. I thought there was nothing wrong with me. I thought it was all him all the time. I thought that everything bad was a result of his alcoholism. Although a good many part is because of the alcoholism, but I now I have seen all the faults I have, and brought forth into our marriage. It's of overwhelming feeling realizing that you were wrong, and that I also am sick because of this disease. I to need help and recovery. I need to learn to live my life and not his. I love my husband very much, and all this realization has brought about a new kind of love for him too. I feel my resentment shrinking away, and find a new understanding of him. How he has to be his own person and not someone I want him to be. And I have to be my own person, and not someone he wants me to be. I have to give my husband the space to let him find his own way if that's what he needs to attain his sobriety. That he is remorseful and embarrassed by his behavior and that is why he feels we are better off without him. And that he needs to detach himself from our marriage because he cannot allow the strain of it to cause him to relapse. He HAS to put his recovery first, before his marriage, and family and that I should not hold it against him at all, that it should be a blessing because it's the only way many can find sobriety. If they put other things first, they fail. It's really taken a lot for me to understand this, plus the years of living with it. But I have so much faith in him because he is seeking help, and he is being selfish, and I can only imagine how hard that is for him because I know how much he loves his family. I know how hard it must be for him to be away from his kids. As for me, I truly believe that he loves me, but I'm sure he is angry and resentful towards me to because of my reactions towards him and his behavior while drinking. I know he must feel that we could never be together again because he'd be afraid of falling into the same old patterns. The thing is, I love him so much and I miss him so much, and I have faith in our relationship on what it can really be, but only given that we both get treatment and learn to live life in a new way. To let go of past resentments and actions, to learn to love ourselves so that we can be released to love each other to. This means making huge changes in our lives so that we wouldn't fall back into the same old pattern of things. New friends, new people, new places, possibly even a new state if that is what it took. I want to tell him all this, but I'm so afraid because he doesn't want to seem to talk about any of it. Yet isn't support of this kind from me very important for him to know? I just don't know how he feels right now. I know he must feel that given the actions of the past, I have not helped the situation at all. But that now I plan to. I need to not rely on him completely. I need to love myself more so that I can give real love back to him, the kind I feel for him inside, but always afraid to show because of everything that had gone on. It's been a long time coming, but I look forward to a change in our lives. To live a new healthy life and experience new things, apart and together. There can be so much we can experience and do, so many things we had planned on, but never go to do because we were both sick. He has had to detach himself from us, and is in another state doing his recovery and working. My question is, is he also supposed to detach himself emotionally too? or is it okay for him to talk about our marriage? We weren't fighting when he relapsed, went on a binge and almost died, so for me, I miss him dearly. I want to tell him, I want to talk about our future, but I realize he can only think about his sobriety right now. At the moment he feels he can never come back to our home state because he truly believes he will relapse. He has only been out of the hospital for two weeks and is in the beginning week and a half of his outpatient recovery. When is the proper time to start talking about what we should do about family and moving forward? I don't want to ask him these things because of the fragile state he is in. Any insight would be great. Thank you.
HI and big hug. I can tell you love your husband a lot. You both are very fortunate.
If I were you I would write down as simply as I could how i felt. leave it a few days and then decide if you want to send it.
I agree, let go and let god. He and you will know if and when the time will come that you will be together again.
Think of a person who comes out of concentration camp. They are raw and tender. Everything is new to them, they are unsure of what they want and/or who they are.
Getting Them Sober is a good book to read.
I know you are anxious to get on with it. This is where let go comes in and give it to hp. For me I got myself to where I could live and take care of myself.
If (and he did), come back, I wanted to think of him as extra. Not have to depend on him for anything. plus I set boundaries.
As far as him relapseing becuz of the strain of home, tis not true. It has nothing to do with his aism. nothing. Life has stress everywhere. They relapse becuz A's do. period. Diabetics get low blood sugar, becuz they do.
But of course like any disease, his counseling, and all he is doing is his way of recovery, part of a program. He, like some, needs to focus entirely on himself and getting well.
He is trying on new skin basically. After awhile we hope the skin gets tougher with a strong program, faith, love, and letting go to hp.
Hon how long has he been A? Always and forever. Even a year from now he will be still shakey. Everyone is different. He may find as he matures more in his recovery, which is a forever thing ya know, tht he is ready to come home and be part of you again.
Recovery is recovering forever. Relapse can happen anytime sadly. Don't be surprised, it is a part of being A.
Promises don't matter. He/she is not lieing when they say they won't use again. They mean it, they believe it. But the disease inside is laughing.
I did not know that when i married my A. Now it makes no difference to me what condition he is in. I love him. I ignore the disease of him. which is hard becuz he has been drunk/loaded for days and weeks now. I don't know that he may be permanently insane now.
I pray you can learn to take care of you and yours and allow hp to care for him.
I am sure he would love a simple cute card that says I love you. Tell him you are in Alanon. If he is in a good program they teach them why we react how we do before alanon.
Simply say I have learned so much, and that you know now it was not him, but it is the disease that made you both react.
Once my husband really realized I knew it was a disease, I never reacted to it anymore and I detached we have done one hundred per cent better.
Does not mean things have been easy either, just different.
By you telling him you are ok, takes off the guilt from his shoulders. He needs to know you won't allow his disease to hurt you.
I had horrible hormonay upheaval. We called it the good and bad time. I felt awful that my husband had to be around me like that. I would go back to being me, then feel so guilty for how I acted.
no different than the A.
Again I do believe keeping it simple is best. I also believe it is important to send them cards or short notes so they know you are still there and getting well yourself.
NO pressure on either of you. Hp will guide you I promise.
I loved your post. Made me remember so much.
keep posting please. share your miracles. love,debilyn
I'm in tears reading your wonderful post. You seem to have an enormous amount of understanding for the disease an a huge capacity for compassion and understanding. I get a bit jealous when I see something like this (character defect, I know, I know.) I wish my wife had half of the understanding you have of what early recovery is like. I get the feeling that whatever path your husband may take, YOU are going to be OK.
