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I feel so ashamed and mad at myself today. Last night I offerred to take my "a" down to the DMV to get a print out of what he needs to get his license back. I offerred because I'm tired of waiting for him to get it together and get this back. It has been 7 years since he has had a license. He got a DUI and had an accident. I guess the judge through the book at him and when he could not pay restitution to the person he hit, the lawyer put a suspension on his license until payments could be made. This was all before I ever knew my husband. For the last four years he has had two opportunities to get his license back and he squaundered the money instead. So, I thought o.k. he doesn't want a license. Well, now he is really wanting to get better jobs and be a better provider for his family, but he's limited with our transit system and the work he does requires transportation and a valid driver's license. So, I've made a deal with him that we will put the fees on the credit card and he will pay off the card with his income tax returns. I'm drawing up a promissory note with a witnessed signature, if he goes back on his agreement, I'll take the money from his allowance and not allow him to drive the van until it's paid off. He's agreed to this, and I feel like I'm taking care of my butt too.
So, this morning rolls around and I say, " its time to get up we have to go", very sweetly I might add. He says well I have a half hour to sleep we don't have to leave yet. I don't know what came over me, but his statement irritated me because I was going out of my way to help him out this morning I thought, the least he could do was get up and help me with the kids or make coffee or something. I guess I could have said it differently, but I skirted the issue instead of just saying, Hey, that upsets me that you would rather sleep than help me out.
My "a" has low impulse control of his temper, this does not excuse the next part of this discussion. He blows up at me because I basically said "Well if you can't get up then take the bus." He had a right to get mad, because it really wasn't that big of a deal, but in that instant I got angry because I continually feel like it's all on me. He gets to sleep and I work my ass off. We ended the morning with him storming out and me saying I don't think you should live here anymore. This is not what either of us wants.
I tend to blame him for the rages but I don't look at how I instigated this. In the Alanon pamphlet "The merry-go-round of Denial" it discusses the "instigator" and the role that person plays. Why would I want to instigate a fight? Why can't I tell people how I feel without beating around the bush, or it coming out in anger? I realize when this happens in our fights we are not fighting for each other we're trying to win, except we win nothing, we hurt each other and it usually brings on a night of drinking for my "a". I feel really guilty about my behavior right now. I will say that we had one other small episode like this this week, but before this week we have not had a blow up like this for at least 3 weeks, which is pretty big for us. Maybe we are learning, but today it doesn't feel like it.
Thanks for listening,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Something that has really helped me is the slogan...say what you mean and mean what you say. Just don't say it mean. I commend you for your ability to continue to put up with the "crap". 7 years without a license and sqaundering money needed to pay restitution is more than I could deal with now. I found with my A that anything and everything I did to help make their life better just blew up in my face. The monies were never paid back, the jobs never came through. I no longer assist A's with financial or legal problems. Like children I feel unless they pay for it by themselves they do not appreciate it.
Aloha Shaun and please keep coming back. While I was reading your post I was also envisioning Daniel walking into the lion's den KNOWING that the lion was home and still hungry while holding a handful of fresh hamburger calling "here kitty kitty."
My early sponsor taught me that if I don't like the consequences of what I have been doing? do the opposite. (you get the opposite consequences.)
I use to agitate my alcoholic wife to no end with all my expectations. I use to try to reason with her knowing that that is the last exercise she wanted to do. I use to try to cut new deals with her knowing that none of the old deals ever were completly good deals. But what the heck, "maybe this next time" right?
We use to (and still do) take leadership from the big book of Alcoholic Anonymous. I was led to page 449 of the old edition where Dr. Paul says, "...and I found out that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems."
It sounds like both you and your alcoholic have plenty problems with expectations. Him for the ones he has of himself and you for the ones you have of him to get it all together! The consequence sucks!! If you practice acceptance of the reality that alcoholism has screwed your lives up and you are powerless over it and the alcoholic the consequence may be relaxation of mind, body, spirit and emotions and the freedom that comes from letting go.
This stuff really works and has saved my sanity and life.
Jerry, question. Maybe this is because I'm not ready to accept. But I"m trying to figure out, short of leaving, what are our options in this situation?
When you have kids, it's tough to just say, accept what they don't do because the kids really don't deserve to suffer the consequences of the A's actions. Now I know I have to remember to set boundries and only do what I can and want to do.
My beef is, if I'm going to do it practically alone, why should I allow someone who does little more than throw obstacles in my way, to remain in my life. I try to instill dicipline in the house, she lets them get away w/ anything. She is trying to change, but she only remembers when she is sober and that isn't very often anymore.
That's not to say I don't have my own part in this. I need to focus on me, work on me and I do realize my 4th C, Contribution to the illness w/ my own illness.
It would be a whole lot easier to detach w/o the kids. With or without love.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I thing I came to realize this week is I try to find problems. I have been looking for my "A" to mess up! I am so afraid that he will mess up that I ask questions that beg for answers--but him being an a even if he gives me an answer how do I know he is telling the truth! I am so afraid of bad things happening that I'm going to drive him crazy and to mess up, just so I can say see I knew it was coming--you can't make a fool out of me--I knew it was gonna happen. The only person who is making a fool out of me is me!!!
I know this isn't the exact same thing, but maybe the overreacting is your way of fighting off what your afraid might come.
Maybe it's more simplistic than that!! Maybe I read too much into everything, but for me I'm so afraid I'm going to get my feet knocked out from under me that I turn nothing into something just to say I was prepared.
We make mistakes, that is how we learn. When this happens to me I keep reminding myself it took years to become jaded. I've been in your situation and when my A did not jump up ready to go, happy and excited, it made me mad. If I didn't snarl at him then I would at least bang the dog bowls and slam a few cupboards, doors to announce everything I was doing to get the house ready for us to leave. Made me miserable and wrecked his few more minutes of sleep ~laugh~
I really liked Dawn's post, I find myself doing that too. Anything that may make me happy or my life easier is almost a threat to me because of the disappointment if it does not happen.
My A does not follow through on agreements or compromises. And I find myself sometimes getting angry at him when I have made an agreement that I am not really comfortable with or scared of.
I think sometimes acceptance is allowing ourselves to realize - this is what is, and I don't like it! For me I find the best thing is to look squarely at reality, and examine my own motives. Reality is - an A will drink, will lie, will be unreliable. If these things are unacceptable to me, than being in a relationship with an A is the wrong place for me. Wishing that the A would change so that I could be happy just will not work, it will only keep me from finding my OWN serenity.
Aloha Bob. Recovery comes in time with effort and with trust and honesty. It's about me fixing me and taking my focus off of all the other targets I have that I can blame for my failures and unhappiness especially the alcoholic who seems to have a larger bullseye than all the others.
Expect the alcoholic to be and act like an alcoholic and be pleasantly surprised and grateful when your expectation are not fulfilled. My alcoholic was a magnate for my blame and attempts to control. And boy did I attempt to control...as if MY life depended on it. (I am qualified for this program!!) I held her responsible for my happiness and sadness and everything that ever went wrong in my life even those things that happeded before I met her. She was the one sole reason my life was screwed up although she didn't have any choice in my first marriage.
I have been an Alateen sponsor for over 9 years on two occasions. You would be surprised what genuine love and hope they have for the alcoholic in spite of themselves. These kids taught me the difference between hating the behavior and loving the alcoholic. Where did I forget how to do that or maybe I just never knew how to love anyone including myself.
There is a page in the ODAT (One Day AT A Time) in Alanon that explains that a man said he would do anything to help his alcoholic grow. It says further; except get off of her back. Was I being too hard on my alcoholic. The way I was doing it she could never have gotten sober. She sought sobriety after we separated. She wanted to leave me because the things I did also made her sicker than just the booze.
Suggestion; before contemplating an action that may have very dire consequences for everyone involved and may in the future prove to be justifiable? Keep going to meetings, get a sponsor that has what you don't have but need, work the steps and first of all get a power greater than yourself and your alcoholic.
Keep coming back and practice, practice, practice.
Aloha Shaun and please keep coming back. While I was reading your post I was also envisioning Daniel walking into the lion's den KNOWING that the lion was home and still hungry while holding a handful of fresh hamburger calling "here kitty kitty." 