The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm beginning to see the meaning of 'living in the day' and the thing that comes to mind is I need to keep my emotions in the moment. The only emotions that count are the ones I'm feeling right now. Yesterday's are gone, and to relive the past ones does me no good (resentments), and tomorrow's are a waste of time to worry about (projection). This doesn't mean I shouldn't learn from the past or plan for the future; but these things require intelect, not emotion.
As I'm trying to figure out if my ex and I should try to repair our marriage, this really hits home. She told me she has been trying to figure out what was real and what was just fantasy about our 15 yr alcoholic influenced marriage. I said, what difference does it make? I'm sober now and not the same person I was. Your not the same person as a result of all this. The only thing that matters is what is happening right now and what we plan on doing about in the near future. I realize what a waste of time it is to rehash old hurts and try to place blame. I'm sure I'm at fault for a lot of the mess, I did my ninth step with her and was very thorough. What I've learned is that if I would like forgivness from her I need to forgive her for the things she's done to me. I'm hoping she's starting to see that also so we can learn from our mistakes and move on.
I also need to keep this in mind while searching for a full time job. I had a good paying engineering job that I lost to go into rehab. I'm trying to find another job that will be as challenging and pay in the same ballpark so I don't have to sell my home. The funny thing is, I wasn't worried about it for the past year and half. I figured the house would be sold as a result of the divorce. With the profit from the sale, and having less living expenses by staying with my parents for a bit, I could get by for a while making less money. That all changed when my ex realized she made a mistake and now wants to see if we can work things out. I need to keep plugging away at the job search and leave the outcome in God's hands. In the meantime I'm dealing with the uncertainty of part time employment. The pay is good when the work is there, but I haven't had work in the past few weeks because of the holidays, and it's getting to me. Then as I'm getting ready to get back to work this week, the guy I've been working with gets in a car accident this morning, wrecks the work van, and ends up with a broken sternum and back pain. So my interum work plans are up in the air. Just like everything else in my life right now, except my sobriety I hope.
Had to take my daughter to the emergency room today for x-ray. She hurt her wrist snowboarding yesterday and it was swollen. Nothing broken, just a bad sprain. Another $100 shot on the ER co-pay.
Found out my mom has Parkinsen's disease on top of all of this. Not much I can do about that except be supportive.
Feeling a little down right now, writing this our has helped put this all in persective.
Just trying to hand it over and take it one day at a time.
I can only imagine the pain you are experiencing about your mom but the fact that you came here to talk about it is proof that you are getting healthy and taking care of you. You are making choices to deal with and walk through the pain. You are also seeing that it isn't anything you can change but to be there for her is all you can do.
You have a lot to deal with right now, give yourself a lot of credit and be grateful for your sobriety. It does mean a lot.
I'm sorry about your Mom's Parkinsons, your support to her will mean all the difference and they are making new strides everyday on managing Parkinsons.
As far as your marriage, none of us are the same people we where years ago. We all change daily, sometimes for the good and sometimes not, but everything we experience halps make us the person we are today, but not necessarily tomorrow. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is hard work. I think the commitment and history both good and bad are sometimes more important than love.
No one can tell us when or if it is time to move on or if a marriage is worth saving. In my own opinion, if I still have a shred of love for my husband, I will continue to work on my marriage. He is a part of me as I am him. That doesn't mean we can always be together or even live together, but no matter what, we will alwasy remain a part of each others lives, even if we divorced.
With the work situation, you have not ended up at the place you are meant to be yet. It will come. Your Hp has plans for you and has just not chosen to show you them yet. Don't give up, your time is coming.
You've had a rough day my friend. The fact that you've maintained you're sobriety through all of this, speaks volumes about the person you are. You should be very proud of yourself. I'm incredibly proud of you.
I'm sorry about your Mom. Like Jeannie said they are making great strides, so there's always hope. Don't give up the fight.
As corny as this sounds, when the time is right the right job will come your way. You'll know it. I'm not saying that it will drop in your lap, but it'll happen. I venture to guess when you started on your recovery at some point you doubted things could happen. They did. You got sober and stayed that way. The job will come to.
I'm glad you're daughter didn't break anything. Between your son's arm and your daughter's wrist, that's enough of the limb thing!
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You're doing a great job Uncle Lou, and don't you forget it!! You are a strong person and will get through this. Hang in there, better times are coming. Praying for you and your family, Love TLC
