The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My boyfriend and I have a mail box that is at th end of town (about half a mile from our house). For some reason, I dunno what (and at this moment I don't care what either), the post office does not deliver in our area, and we have to have a mailbox. So one or the other of us goes to get the mail daily. Sometimes when I am feeling distant from him I simply leave his mail in the mail box because he has a lot of debt and when he gets certain letters he goes "off" about them. I leave it there for him to pick up himself rather than suffer the tantrum, fuming and chaos that ensues when he opens his mail. I try to focus these days on my needs rather than all his all consuming needs to have only his point of view, his needs, his wants, his concerns be the whole focus of the relationship (I could say what relationship but there clearly still is one even though at times I feel it is all his relationship rather than anything to do with me).
The mail issue is like the rest of his life simply chaotic. Today I went into truck and found mail that was mine that he had not given. It is important stuff not junk mail, it is tax documents. I know if I get angry he will retailiate and find some excuse for not giving me my mail. He always has an excuse, reason, justification he can never say "sorry" or anything. It wasn't lying in the truck it was hidden away somewhere and I don't understand that but then right now I don't need to understand it because I have simply given up trying to understand him and his actions. I just chalk this up as yet another action that proves without question that I am not very important to him on any level because I have talked to him about getting my mail many many times and he knows I need my tax documents!!!!!I also know that last year my tax return was delayed because I did not get important documents. And I asked them to be sent and I never got them. I was angry at my former employer now I am just angry at my boyfriend and his never ending chaos and ability to blame it on everything but himself.
I get so so sick of his never ending, never boundaried chaos. I am supposed to suffer daily because he does nothing in a way that makes any sense at all. I have very little money, I have been trying to pay my bill strraight for months on end and it took a long long time for me to get my bills straight and to stop paying late charges on my tax returns. I do not have many W2's coming to me this year maybe 3 so now I have to try to hair to the mail box before he can get to it to get them. I can count on him for nothing, absolutely nothing, not even a simple task like getting the mail and um giving me the envelope! I need to own that rather than be sucked into his stuff of trying..because he doesn't try he just goes out and creates more chaos and brings me into it and I don't want to be part of it anymore.
I am so tired of telling him about this simple stuff like No No No and more No. I will not allow myself to be sucked into that vortex of negativity again. I am simply going to work on filing my tax return in a timely manner, going to the mailbox myself since I clearly can't count on him giving me my mail and taking care of me. I have been there, done that, stood on my head a million times asking him to simply give me my mail!!!! Don't leave it in the truck, don't leave it at someone's house, don't give it to your mother, give it to me. I have said to him over and over and over and over again he does NOTHING for me. And now I have to say it to myself he does nothing for me why keep asking and getting NOTHING back...I just have to accept it and move on. I can't trust him to even get the mail I have to be wholly self reliant and work on ways to dis-entangle myself from him.
I am not going to have my mail redirected at the moment (that means my mail is stopped for 2 eeks while they re-direct it don't ask me why that's the way they do it) because I want to file those taxes but when I have an opportunity that is one of the tasks on my list, separate the mail so this does not happen again. I have to pay for another mailbox that's fine I'll do that as part of a step by step process rather than beat myself up for not doing it before now (this stuff with the mail has been ongoing for years and years and years god knows how many of my documents he has stuck away somewhere because of course I am not important to him or he just needs to exist in some kind of chaos day in day out. I don't need this total stress of I cannot even get the mail from him. But I am choosing when I take the action, how and when. I am going to choose it as part of the path of totally dis-entangling from him. He wants chaos and I am not going to be in there with him anymore getting totally exhausted physically and emotionally and feeling like I have to accept this kind of crap day in day out because I don't have options. I do have options I am acting on them day in day out until I can increase my options. I am not going to allow my frustration to strangle me anymore.
Thank you for providing me with some space I can talk about this without someone telling me what to do, say , think, need, commit magic (hey leave him tomorrow with nothing is the best magic I can find) and thank you for giving me the tools to detach and focus it all back on me and to take care of me rather than try to solve his chaos which he wants anyways.
Wow! I don't think I will ever look at mail the same way again! Taking someone's mail and hiding it especially a tax document is a federal crime isn't it? Can't you contact your former employers and pick up the tax forms yourself? My company puts them online. That way you do not have to play the mail game with him. I think you are right in thinking you should get your own mailbox. This would be a smart way to protect yourself. Is it maybe a control thing??? Keeping you from getting your refund?
Good for you - just do what you need to to take care of yourself. You can make longer term plans when you are ready. For right now, gettting there early and getting your own mail puts some order into the chaos.
Been there done that too. Made me feel violated, not to mention the trouble it caused that my mail was stuck inbetween the car seats along with his. I had the post office hold the mail for a while, they were only supposed to do it for 30 days at most but my HP was working that last day. I told the lady at the counter my situation ... crying at the post office, and she extended it for however long I needed it. Such a relief to have a bit of time to get my mail and clear up the problems it had caused.
Great way of taking care of you! You're in my prayers.
hi mar, it is amazing the crap someone will do to someone else. Yep i know the feeling like "furniture" thing. Isn't it funny though, a concept as simple as, "take care of yourself" is all we need to remember?
I had been a widow for eighteen years, married the A and lost myself in him somewhere/
Took me awhile to build my strength and find me again.
Heck Mar just put another mailbox with the same address with YOUR name on it. i sure would. Then you can start now.
I am glad you did let it out. That is sure good for you. Can ya get away somehow, take Pepsi for a walk or something every day? I tell ya, exercise really clears my heart out.
I worked outside today, feeding my crazy animals and scratching and kissing them....yes i kiss pigs...had all these great plans to mop and clean. Then realized my darn Sauveur, grt Pyr got out yet again.
got on the overalls and rubber boot "look" and tromped down the road yelling for the big goof. There was a big semi parked in the farmers driveway a bit downt eh road with a cute guy in it. he asked who Sauvey was.
Anyway it was strange. i took off my wedding rings. i mean I felt like wow I could like another man again I betcha. well I can't until my A dies or whatever but I am glad I have gotten where I have a desire for another man someday.
Anyway here comes Sauvey and Rusty my tiny dog running down the gravel road. sigh. then about fifteen min. later there is Ru my old man Basset.
I put Sauvey in again and he gets out...I wanted him to show me how he got out. When ya have five acres ya gotta lettem show ya.. pouring rain and mud, I fix the fence where he dug out and showed his "friends" how to get out too.
Felt good to be out goofing around. I cleaned my car. The A had spilt a gallon of water in the truck and never cleaned it up. horse feed had spilled out and omg what a mess. Called the A a B, then thought ooops sorry hp then said whata creep...well sorry hp. Then thought ok he is a poop. Well that is too cute. By then I just got busy.
there are so many dumb things I find that the Adisease has made a mess of. lIke he took my saw and drill. Gottem back but he killed my drill. rrrrr he left the stupid huge tires someone slashed on his pickup here. Great. I hate junk around.
Sooo I will have someone lift them into the van or pickup and take them to him.
I looked at the tax document today and found that I am probably going to owe taxes. So much for that fantasy of getting together a little money. I can tell the A that - that I owe the IRS and they are after my money then when he next gets hit by some creditor he won't come cap in hand to me. He is so so good at that.
I had a really good sleep the other night and felt rested for the first time in a long long long time. I think that's good for me. I know when I go into over exhaustion I simply become physically ill and I know where that is living with an A. Totally abandoned. The other night I was talking to a friend about my asthma and how I once had status asthmaticus. That is I breathed in and couldn't breathe out. I remember being with the A and he as so furious I had to go to the emergency room. My friend relayed about how bad he felt for his friend when she had it. I know all I heard about from the A when I was in the emergency room was how bad it was for him. He left me there in the emergency room and didn't even bother to call me to see how I was. He's always blamed my asthma on me and never been that interested in it. But oh when he is sick he tries to pull me in.
Tonight he was going on about some speeding ticket he has. He said he could not find it. I did not volunteer to help him and he was furious. I just said I know nothing about it. I don't have your mail. He has roped me into more stuff than I can count and I have always tried to make it better for him. When he ropes me in then I become the focus for his aggression for whoever it is be it the IRS, the bill collectors, the jobs that don't pay him, the friends who don't pull through for him, the whoever. I am learning to deflect and it feels good. Maybe I will get some skills training out of this. Learning to deflect is going to be good for me because I am always over involved in so so much. I can look at it as skills basecamp.
