The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some of us may have made a decision that no one was ever going to hurt us again. We may automatically go on "feelings freeze mode" when faced with emotional pain. Or, we may terminate a relationship the first time we feel hurt. Hurt feelings are a part of life, relationships, and recovery. It is understandable that we don't want to feel any more pain. Many of us have had more than our share, hi fact, at some time in our life, we may have been overwhelmed, crushed, or stopped in our tracks by the amount of pain we felt. We may not have had the resources to cope with our pain or take care of ourselves.That was yesterday. Today, we don't have to be so frightened of pain. It does not have to overwhelm us. We are becoming strong enough to deal with hurt feelings. And we don't have to become martyrs, claiming that hurt feelings and suffering are all there is to life.
>>>>rosie>>>> oh yeah, i did that...i said NEVER again to being hurt...than i realized that i am punishing me by not allowing the SAFE people in.....yep, ending a relationship when i feel hurt..been there..done that...FEAR of being hurt/ betrayed again...now i tell my inner child, that NOONE will ever hurt me like the perp did, but i AM going to get "singed" if i ever want love....and yes, hurt feelings are part of life/ and love/ and recovery.....i am "pained out in life" to be sure, but **that** kind of pain is over for me.....i did have more than my share...i am brittle from it...fragile.....i was overwhelmed by it....i am thawing out old pain now that has been suppressed for DECADES......i did not have the resources back than, i was ALONE....HELPLESS, but not now.....i am healing enuf to put me FIRST...to take care of MY needs, and to attract the SAFE souls into my life...i do have a CHOICE now....i am not that helpless victim child i was..... i used to think that suffering was all there is to life....i still am imbalanced as to suffering vs joy for sure, but **that** kind of suffering is OVER for me....for ONE, i will sense an evil person and be able to remove myself from them, and TWO, becuz i trust in my judgement for taking my time and picking SAFE others, hurt feelings, can be resolved, i have the tools now to do it....i have a PLACE to take my pain/ hurt feelings.....i got screwed and really hurt by relatinships during recovery and each time, i took care of me....applied what i have learned and i was OK....able to LET GO....or forgive with boundaries, which ever was best for ME
We need only allow ourselves to feel vulnerable enough to feel hurt, when that's appropriate, and take responsibility for our feelings, behaviors, and what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We don't have to analyze or justify our feelings. We need to feel them, and try not to let them control our behavior.Maybe our pain is showing us we need to set a boundary; maybe it's showing us we're going in a wrong direction; maybe it's triggering a deep healing process.It's okay to feel hurt; it's okay to cry; it's okay to heal; it's okay to move on to the next feeling, when it's time. Our willingness and capacity to feel joy will eventually match our willingness and capacity to feel hurt.Being in recovery does not mean immunity from pain; it means learning to take loving care of ourselves when we are in pain.Today, I will not strike out at those who cause me pain. I will feel my emotions and take responsibility for them. I will accept hurt feelings as part of being in relationships. lam willing to surrender to the pain as well as the joy in life.
>>>rosie>>>yes, taking care of me....watching and observing the other person, paying attention to my inner voice.....and yes, FEEL the feelings.... my sister and i are taking a "time out" from each other cuz both of us are needy right now and she "got on me" for not being "sensitive" to her feelings??? i thought i had been, but i told her that i was needy right now doing inner child pain work and that perhaps we needed a time out becuz i "need me for me" now......we didn't fight, i am not "blowing her off" just needed to set a boundary for right now......
>>>>rosie>>>>>my grandniece deeply hurt me with abusive name calling to me and telling me to get the f*** out of her life, so i "gave my consent" to her leaving me...i felt the hurt...shared about it, allowed the feelings, and i LET GO!!! she still refuses to own what she did, does not want to talk with me, so i re-did my will and am leaving my house and what i have worked hard for to my other loving niece.....i prayed about this, i talked it over with safe others, and i am not going to provide for someone who obviously has such animosity for me, i bless her, and i LET GO!!!! it hurt, but i took care of me and i was OK with it....she treated me brutally, and from what i hear , she is not sorry and thinks she was right to treat me like that over something i did not do anyway.......so i felt my feelings, applied my program tools, and i LET GO...the only reason why i am bringing this up again, is that the latest news is, she sent me a xmas picture and i called her, got VM, so i know she is not taking my calls, i told her on the VM that the pic was lovely and i appreciated it, hoping, but not really expecting a reconcilliation, but i got NO call, NO nothing......and my sister, (her gramma) has been trying to talk with her about it, but she thinks she was right to blow me off....so for me???? i let go and i am moving on..i told jane to leave it alone, becuz i had let go and gave it over to hp, and i wish her ALL the happiness, but the hole she left behind will be filled.....
>>>rosie>>>>i have moved on....and yes, i take loving care of my while IN pain.....i am not wanting revenge on those who hurt me, i figure they will hurt themselves enough, becuz when i hurt others, i hurt me even more.....that applies to the universe.....so let cristy go in peace as i go my way.....i surrendered up the pain and i moved on......even tho i changed my will i do send her peace and love....but i will NOT allow ANY kind of abuse in my life.....i tried to tell her that she was welcome in my life, still, but with BOUNDARIES about the abuse, and she didn't want me.....so "end of case" i move on......
Wow, Rosie you are so right. I have done all of the acoa behavior from one end of the spectrum to the other. I was spiritually at the end of my rope, if it weren't for this program, I feel as though I would be dead ~ at the very least still dead inside.
I am learning how to fortify myself, instead of looking to others. It is a slow process for me but perhaps with concentrated effort, meditation & much prayer work I can accelerate my growth. I know it will be in God's time & not my own.
I am super sensitive to any kind of abuse after being married to an addict, I stand right up for myself ~ still my mother can get to me ~ I am learning how to protect myself from her psychological assaults.
(((((( hugs )))))) for the courage to love your relative compassionately & to still protect yourself. I know it must have been painful but it seems sound, kudos!
Thanks for sharing your growth, I can see changes in you too!
love, -K
p.s. Right after my 1st suicide attempt & spending months in a psychiatric hospital, I came out searching for the "meaning of life" & (as u know) turned right to Zen. One fo the things they tell you is that when you are completely defenseless & vulnerable you are un-defeatable by anyone, as you are not fighting you have already won! I have found being vulnerable not only cathartic but a great source of strength. (not to mention the fact that so many are terrified to face their innermost feelings). Love ya girl
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Whew this one was right up my alley today! Thanks for posting it Rosie!
In a nutshell ... I'm glad to know I am capable of shutting down if I ever need to, unfortunately there doesn't seem to be a way of shutting off bad feelings without losing the good ones in my case. And the loss of good ones does more damage to me in the long run. The bravery needed to turn them all back on is coming back to me .. slowly and that is ok.
Great PS Kitty ... I've had those moments of being defenseless and having no vunerabilities while still being vunerable. It almost makes no sense yet it is true. Maybe that is what "true" detachment with love is.
