I had carried around lots of guilt for a while now.  I had the frame of mind that I had abandoned my mom and just left her.  I realize now that I had to distance myself from her in order to get my head in the right place to take care of me.  Through this program, I am learning my faults, my blemishes so to speak and am trying to break those bad habits.  I had a breakdown on Christmas night.  I was given a picture from brother of my mom with my twin nephews taken earlier that day and I just wanted to bawl right then and there, but of course I am so well trained in holding everything in, I didn't let anyone know.  Anywho, I got home and everything started coming out of me that night.  The tears just came and came.  Well, I came to the conclusion that I should see her.  I went to see her but she was working, so she called me that night.  I talked to her and explained to her that my distance was what I needed in order to get my thoughts in the right place.  I told her that I needed to concentrate on me and try to address my issues and work them out.  She surprised me in the fact that she said she understood, she wasn't mad or anything like that.  So with those magic words, I felt that weight slide off my shoulders and disappear.  I haven't seen her, but I will when both my schedule (along with hubby) and her schedule meet.  I feel like this year will be good for me and her, I hope so.  Well, thought I would spread the good news and hopefully it will get a lot better between me and her, maybe close to where we were before her drinking.  I've got lots of bad memories to replace and this time I want good memories.  Oh and sorry for my board absence, I spend a lot of time in the chat room.  I guess I should post on the board more often though.  Anywho, I believe I will be more "sane" one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, but I'll take what I can get!!

Sheri