The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is bipolar and over the 25 years of our marriage has amused cocaine and crack to "self medicate". That is what my two boys grew up in the middle of. The three of us shared the hurt, pain, anger and financial crisis that are part of the reality of growing up with an addict. He has been stable anSilberman for the last three years. My boys and I share a very open relationship. We have always talked about everything including the huge risk they had for addiction. I was so sure that I would never have to deal with a child with substance abuse problems. I was so cocky. So absolutely clear that they would never go there.
Three days ago, I learned that my 18 year old son has been using opiates there times a day for the pasthe our weeks. My little boy came to me crying telling me he needed help. That he could not stop. I wanted to scream. To lash out at him. Instead, I held him as he cried in my eyes. I called the psychiatrists, the counselors, the cardiologist. I made arrangements so he could detox at home. Something you need to know about Matt. He has had three open heart surgeries. The first when he was one day old. I was told he would not live through his first surgery. I was then told he wouldn't live six months. Then two years. We fought to keep him alive and well for his entire life. His cardiologist, when I called her to find out if there was any cardiac risk of opiate withdrawal, told me to beat the s*** out off him. She said "tell him you worked way to hard for the last 18 years to jeep him alive to have him die of a drug overdose!"
I am so angry. I am furious with him for taking any risk with his life. I am furious with him for trying any drug with his genetic make up and risk for addiction. I am furious for the $2000 he stole over the month to support his habit. I am furious with him for making me so scared. I am furious with his dad because I have to deal with his reaction and calm him so he doesn't take out his anger on Matt I feel like I can't take all this out on him. That I need to deal with my own reactions.
I am also so angry at myself for all the bad choices I made over the course of their lives. I stayed with their dad through all of his addictions. We have been homeless. We have moved around the country and restarted our lives over and over again. They have heard me cry. They have seen me work four jobs to take care them.
li just needed to come and get all the anger out before I lose it with my family. I am so tired of being the calm one. The one that finds all the answers and makes all the arrangements. The one that intercedes between everyone so three don't tear each other apart. I am so tired of it all
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 4th of May 2013 05:43:53 PM
((((Jewel)))) Getting pissed at a disease isn't the cure. It might be handy and feel like the best reaction and then after the fume and fire are over you're back to step one...Admitting you are powerless and that your live has become unmanageable. Best place I found for me under those conditions is inside the rooms of the face to face meetings. It's good you have had prior experience with the program. Is your Higher Power still in town? Try connecting up with HP with the serenity prayer and hand the phone book to your son and see if he can find the hotline number for NA in your area. He will have to do what we had to do when we first got into program...sitdown, shutup (he doesn't know anything about addiction disease), listen, learn and practice. Get the literature and find other members with time to help him get clean. If he doesn't follow thru, your worse nightmare is yet to come.
You already have been thru more than many...time to let go and let God and STOP!!!! Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 4th of May 2013 06:32:28 PM
That certainly is rough news and a difficult experience. I guess there are a few good things going on to help an other wise terrible situation. At least your husband is sober now and can model a recovery program for your son. Also, it seems like he reached a bottom pretty fast and didn't waste his whole life before coming to you and others for help. Of course being angry is normal. I suspect it will take more time to move into acceptance and feeling hopeful. Even then, he still needs to be accountable for stealing money and such.
Prayers for you and your family. It would certainly benefit you to go to alanon just to find support from others who are there and who have been where you are at. You are not alone in facing this disease from both a partner and a child.
I agree that I need a meeting. I have not been for two years. I got complacent when my husband became sober. Now I need it again to get me back on track with my program. I hurt so much for my son. Maybe the blessing that will come out of this is that my son and my SO will find there way to a better relationship. My son has never dealt with all his anger toward his dad. My husband and I have a very superficial relationship. We are more roommates than anything else. He has not been part of our family for a long theme even though he lives here. This has at leaslupus led him into it. I don't know if I want any other kind of relationship with him but iwow old be good for the boys.
Scary time for you. As a Mom, you've done your best to care for your children. You've made mistakes along the way. Who hasn't? But the one mistake you've never made is to stop caring for your children. That doesn't guarantee your children will make the choices you want them to make or be the people you want them to be. Yet - you've done what you can to help them live and to thrive. Sometimes, that is the truth we have to hang onto through the storms of seeing and experiencing with our kids that which we hoped we'd never see and never experience. The trouble with parenting or any other kind of loving is that there are no guarantees except that true love will help us grow. I do hope your son(s) will find his way through this darkness in his(their) own life(ves) and become a champion of sobriety with others.
Remember you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. My AHsober came from an alcoholic home, I came an alcoholic home, and then my three sons drink. It is a family disease. Jump into to Alanon to take care of you. Youa re worth it. And keep coming back. My marriage of over 30 years was destroyed by the disease and there was nothing that I could do except get into recovery for myself.
One step at a time honey...you sound like a strong woman with great heart and head. It is heartbreaking. With your HP and your recovery program, you will get through. I, too, see that it was positive that your son felt safe enough to "come home to mama". big hug
Thank you to all of you who have replied. I am having a rough morning. It is 4:30am and pouring rain outside which makes it easier to cry.
That you for reminding me of the three Cs. I was so good about accepting those as both a child of an alcoholic and as a spouse of one but I totally forgot them when it came to being a mother of someone addicted. I was absolutely feeling that I Caused it, could Control it and had a say in Curing it. I will have to pray on all of this today and find a way to let go and let God.
I am also hurting because in the midst of all the emotion of finding out about my son I over reacted to an unclear situation with a very good friend and may have permanently damaged that relationship. I was right in the middle of my illness and reacted in a sick twisted way and now when I need my friend so much, he is not available. I feel so alone. I know I need to turn to my higher power and realize that I am right where I am suppose to BMW in this moment. I have to trust there is a reason...,a plan but it is so hard. There have been so many times over the course of my life that I have been totally broken and it is so hard to trust that god has not forgotten about me. I will be going to a f2f meeting today and will be digging out my books and getting to work. Again, thank you for the support.
This sound very hard to cope with, but nothing is too hard for God to fix, if we let go and trust Him to do it. What does BMW mean? Glad you are going to a meeting.
Gettingitright!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
