The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been trying to take things one day at a time. My husband has good days and bad days. More good than bad and while I am thankful for that, I don't think I appreciate it as much as I should. I get aggravated when I see a "slip" coming and especially when he (if he would think about it for a second) knows one is coming and doesn't work his program. I know that I have no control over him and his program. I know that it is between him and his HP. It's just that in his "saner" moments he talks about how much he hates feeling the way he feels when he has done his drug, he hates that life and yet he doesn't follow the program the way he should even though he knows what works because he has been successful.
Then I remind myself it is a disease. Yesterday someone at his AA meeting offended him, then he got his feelings hurt by on old "buddy's" wife--so today I figure he probably hasn't been able to fight the demons because he had decided to not work the program and pretty much just sulk yesterday. I don't want to assume he failed today, but I don't want to expect things to be just peachy when I get home. I wish there was a middle ground where it could be alright.
He went into rehad last April. He was sober for 3 months and then slipped. Since then he has sobered up again and tries--sometimes hard sometimes not so hard. He has not had a drop of alcohol in about 4 months--YEAH!!!, but his slips now are for his drug--crack. The past 2 slips have only lasted for about 3 days and he hasn't pawned anything or taken away money we desperately need to pay bills--but still. How long do I accept it? It just hurts so much, because I know he can have such a better life. I am so proud of him--I really am, but I also get overwhelmed with the idea that this really is a "rest of your life" kind of thing. I know I am supposed to focus on today, but then that thought just creeps in on me.
I wish I could just talk to him and he would understand, but I can't even do that. It is a disease and we have to live with it, just like they do. I know I am suppose to learn from all of this--I just wish learning didn't have to be painful.
I know for me obsession was always one of the greatest obstacles to move past when it came to my active and then recovering husband. I found that as long as I was trying to work his program for him and kept trying to look out for his good, instead of mine, I was just treading water to survive the affects of thise disease myself. Serenity finally came after working the steps and finally being able to release him to my HP. I can remember that awesome feeling of reaping the rewards of working the tools of the program and no longer feeling as if my whole life was being controlled by what my a could and could not do. Today I work at maintaining by own identity along with sharing with my partner areas of similar interest to both of us. Today I take the time to do what I need to do for my health. Today I continue to work a program staying involved in a f2f Step Meeting, a regular f2f meeting, as well as coming into MIP. There are days when I have those feelings of fustration and fear, they just don't last as long as they use to .... sometimes for part of a day.... sometimes for only a few moments... Identifying that obsession was an obstacle for me helped me to begin to work the problem in my program. For you to share as you have, you are beginning to make your fustration smaller.... each time we share means a little less that we have to carry around all by ourselves.
I was sitting at a f2f last weekend and had that same overwhelming feeling that you spoke of, the "this is the rest of our life" thing. I looked around the room and saw that I was probably the youngest person there. I went my first alateen meeting at about 14, went back at 23 newly married with an infant, enjoyed 11 years of sobriety with my husbandI am now 36, and back in alanon for a few months now, my husband picked up 2 years ago.. I was so overwhelmed and just sat there and weeped. I thought to myself, do I want to be sitting in these rooms when I am 46,56,66......and I just could not get my mind off the fact that I had promised myself this would not happen to me, but it did. Here I am, in alanon. I am now beginning to understand that I need to be here because of me, not my alcoholic husband, heck, I did not even know him at 14. With him or without him in my life, I need to be here, because if it is not him, it will be the next one... unless I changed me. So here I am. Scared, angry, confused, the whole thing... but here, taking one day at a time and hoping that I can get better, for ME not HIM!
I too have a hard time not obessing over my "A"'s.
I'm 26. I'm mostly single except for my current on again/ off again boyfriend who is another "A". My dad is an "A" and most every relationship I've been in has been with an "A". I love alcoholics.
Twice now I've almost married alcoholics and I think "Good one, avoided that." But truth be told, I will probably marry and alcoholic. There will ALWAYS be alcoholis in my life.
I need to focus on me and how I deal with my life and my decision and choices and actions. There is something in me that things, "It's wrong to think som much about myself, it's selfish." However, if I don't take care of me, nobody ever will.
I might be in al- anon for the rest of my life. For me it's not a matter of "Will I have to be here for the rest of my life?" It's "Will I be loving alcoholics for the rest of my life weather they are drinking or not?" The answer is yes, and I thank GOD these rooms exist and will go on existing for as long as my heart loves alcoholics.
