The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband went to rehab today. It's been extremely difficult on the kids (who think he went on a trip...they are little). It's been harder on my husband than anyone, he loves those kids so much and misses them, I just keep telling him it's a positive thing in the long run. In a way, I wish he'd just come home any minute, but I know that's wrong. He's been wonderful the past few days...honeymoon period. I'm just at a loss for what to feel, what to do, what to say. He's having trouble...having his freedom taken away. They took his nicorette lozenges, (non smoking facility)...he has to ask to get one. I'm sure he feels like they are treating him like a child, but I'm sure it's just to get him to really want the help...to see how bad he wants it. He was crying on the phone, in a way I'm sure he's hit bottom, but he's got to get past it...not just get lonely and scared to be away and come home early. What do I say? How do I prepare myself? He's changing his behavior, how do I fit in and change mine? What's my first step???
I think the idea is to focus on you and what you need and how do you take care of yourself. I can be incredibly over empathic to others and under empathic to me. I need to take care of me, set my own boundaries and more. I also can feel sorry for and great sympathy for the the A while that is nice it is isn't necessarily good for them. I have been incredibly over responsible for the A. If I set a limit I feel guilty. I no longer feel as guilty. Whatever he does now , whatever tantrum he pulls it is on him not me. I am not taking responsibility for his friends, him or anyone else anymore. It feels better to be in that position than taking the blame day and night and feel over responsible and trying to make it up to.
The first step is getting to Alanon meetings for YOU. Just as they need recovery, so do we. Alcoholism is a family disease, it affects everyone. I have heard how many relationships fail in the recovery process, and one of the reasons can be that one person is going through the steps of recovery while the other person is simply remaining the same, not growing, not changing. We learn new behaviors, healthier behaviors. To act, not react. No one wants to come home to an "old idea" that didn't work in the past.
Glad you are here!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Although the damage done to my marriage started years before I got sober, my marriage really fell apart when I entered rehab. When my wife would talk to me on the phone, I'd ask her how everything was at home. She'd say everything is fine, no problems, she's doing great, she has a lot of help and support. She lied. She was led to believe that it was in MY best interests not to burden me with home problems while I was away. Big mistake. Because of my own insecurity, I really thought that she was glad I was out of her life, things were much better for her that I was gone, and she didn't want or need me back. This really helped drive a wedge between us.
Add to that the anger she felt towards me by 'abandoning' her without being able to verbally express it. I felt it though. When she came to visit, she would give me a half hearted hug back and would turn her head when I tried to kiss her. Looking back, I think this was an expression of anger, not lack of love, but I felt completely rejected and empty. My already low self worth was destroyed further. She was so wrapped up in her own stuff (as I am sure I was) to see how much she was shattering my self confidence.
I really wish we had had some better couples guidance to get us through it. Things only got worse between us. Because of her reaction to me being away, I decided to stay at the rehab for extended care 60 more days. I did this because I felt I no longer had a home to go back to and thought I would be putting my sobriety in jeopardy by going back to a wife who no longer wanted or needed me. This created even more problems because she felt I was further abandoning her. I wasn't abandoning her, I was trying to save my life.
Just try to accept the fact that, for a while, the two of you may be incapable of communicating. This is a big change for both of you and you're both experiencing it from completely different perspectives. Give it time and don't let anger or fear interfere with the process or with the love you have for each other. If he's doing this with the 'right' motivation he's doing for himself FIRST. Try to understand that this is usually the only way we can get recovery, and it may seem very selfish at times. From my experience, most people who try to recover to save their marriages, families, jobs or possessions are not successful. They need to do it to save themselves.
Hang in there and try to get to some open AA speaker meetings. It may help you understand what we go through.
Thanks all. UncleLou, I really understand what you are saying. It is almost scarier to have him come out "different" and not know what to do or say in front of him. Not that I liked the Addict, but I KNOW the addict. When he asked me yesterday how we we were, I said "fine", "don't worry". I could almost hear his disappointment. I then said "I miss you" and he seemed to feel better. He's just not in a place yet to accept that we'd be ok without him. He fears we will abandon him while he's gone, that he'll come home to an empty house. His self confidence is shot. I'll keep you updated, thanks for the input.
