The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need help with boundaries. Does anyone have experience with an A who constantly uses the visitation with the kids to manipulate? Mine keeps making changes to the visitation schedule based on his situation. 1 year and 4 jobs later I am tired of this crap! He expects me to just give in to his ideas on visitation and all the changes. This is not what we agreed on and I do not think it is good for our daughter either. He is now working part time nights so he expects to have her 5 days and nights in a row because he cannot get full-time work. I fear for her safety. We agreed on 1 evening and 1 overnight a week and every other weekend. He has a brain injury and has no medical insurance for meds he needs and he is drinking. I have to find a way to enforce the original agreement without starting a huge fight. He can also use the time with her to legally force me to pay chid support to him because he is not working. I am freaking out. I can barely afford to get by now. I know I am over reacting. I need some ESH! Any words of advice or understanding would be greatly apprectiated.
When you agreed upon visitation, did you do that legally, by court order? If so, all you have to do is say you wish to abide by that court order. I do not see how he can receive child support for having the child visit overnight if you have legal physical custody of the child. Is he telling you this? Bollox! Hold your ground and set the boundaries you need. You'll feel much better once you do. Also you might telephone your local bar association to find out whether you can receive some pro bono advice which would put your mind at ease.
Good luck and best wishes, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Your statement, "I fear for her safety" is enough for me to hear that this is serious and you need to follow your gut on this. If you feel she may be unsafe, you are likely correct. If you have this custoy agreement bound by the legal system, you can use that for this purpose. If you don't, I would tell him that your plan is to get the legal system involved for her safety and tell him for the time being, the child stays with YOU until it can be worked out. You are her mother and you have every right to see that your child is safe. From personal experience, I have to say that we need to consider our mother instinct and put her first over his resentment or whatever else he throws your way. Don't let his needs supercede hers.
How old is your child? Is she old enough to tell you if things aren't right when she is with him?
If your custody arrangement was written on paper of ANY form. You have a legal right to enforce that yourself. I understand the not wanting to start a huge fight becuase that affects the sanity of your child. However, if you set your foot down, I have found that most "A"'s are either too drunk, lazy or broke to do anything about it. They might yell and show up at your house, but that's about it.
However, I do not know how old your child is, but do know that if it comes to the police showing up, 90% of the time, they will grant immeiedate phsyicial custody to the parent literally holding physical custody at THAT moment. So, if it DOES come to that, literally, and physically, hold on to your kid.
That being said, most any kind of arguement, blow up or what not is going to be worth the safety of your child.
Thank you all so much for your kind words. I have the custody agreement in writing and it is bound by the court. He is taking her today and he wants her through the weekend which is not in our agreement. I fear he will not bring her back tomorrow. But I have calmly told him I want to talk to him today. I also have an al-anon sister here who is an attorney. She has told me to stand my ground and tell him no...the visitation agreement is in place already. It does not change everytime you lose your job. I don't know how I would handle this chaos without all of my al-anon family. Thanks you so much for being here.
I dunno how it is that their needs always supersede ours and oh what's that's no rules apply to them. I think its a very hard line to walk being away of their limitations and being compassionate and then being asked to stand on your head and walk around on it to "save" them. Personally I am sick to death of people asking me to put their needs first all the time and mine last. I know that there is something about me that puts that out there..walk on me...and I am so so tired of it. Sometimes I think its taken for me to get good and angry to have boundaries. Before I got angry I did not have them. Now I do. I may not be liked by everyone but I got boundaries. I know where I got boundaryless too in my family of origin.
I think it takes tremendous courage to say no more to this stuff and still recognize that he is the children's father. If you need to document that he is not taking care of himself so is a risk to them do that. It would not be betraying him he already did that by drinking himself. I hate being put in these constant double binds by them.
If you do not feel that your child is safe with him, I agree with Maresie... document everything. Do whatever you can to get those visits supervised. In my case, I had to go to court (and I will be paying for it for a long time), but it is completely worth it. It IS hard to suddenly have the father of your children supervised with their own children, but it's for the good of the kids.
My ex is an addict and was continually losing jobs, threatening suicide and even had a current prescription for the pain medicine that he is serving probation for. I documented everything, kept emails that he'd sent, documented calls that I had made to the sheriff's office on his suicide threats... the judge didn't need much.
The visitation doesn't cost me anything. It is done at a facility in our town that handles alot of this kind of thing. You could probably find a similar facility in your town. Probably check with Department of Child and Protective Services. I believe that the Attorney General's office pays for our visitation. The best part about it is that the people doing the supervision really know what they're doing and they can see through these 'A's' like we can't.
