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My boyfriend stopped drinking 36 days ago. We've been together for 2 years. I told him to stop drinking or get out. He's been drinking for 23 years. Heavily for about 5 years. It's a mixed blessing. We live together and he doesn't really speak to me anymore. He hasn't slept in the same bed with me for months since he could sleep because of the alcohol and I'm a light sleeper. No hug, no kiss, no contact, no sex for 36 days. I asked him for a hug the other day and he said no. I said please and he folded. The hug felt like a stranger. He said he's sorry, but he doesn't even think about me anymore. He said when he figures things out, I'd be the second to know - he would be the first.
He's become free of emotion. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm trying to be patient and have him on supplements as he became malnourished. I don't want to play caretaker. I'm doing more of my own thing and if he wants to participate he can. Will his emotions come back or has he damaged his brain so bad that this is the new him?
I know all of the other issues will eventually go away, but I've never heard of being emotionally numb/free. Thanks for any support. I just joined Al-Anon.
Ok here: fools rush in where angels fear to tread... I have been married 30 years, but I am not too old to remember...
The clincher for me is the serenity prayer. I still use it a lot. Some things happen because of the alcohol, and other things are just going to happen anyway. One observation- after about 2 years into a relationship the old honeymoon period is over and real life kicks in. The old man [me] burps over breakfast. Some of us build a relationship- in for the long haul. Many, and men in particular, like the thrill of the chase and move on.
Having the alcohol addiction on the mix makes things really tough. it takes time to build trust, and only if the will is there. The 'rule of thumb' is that once drinking stops it takes two years to achieve some sort of normality. All that said, it is an honour to offer some ESH- experience strngth and hope. It always generates renewed hope in me. Thanks for the chance, A.
Oh Birdie-I so get where you are right now. My ExAH was sober for 7 months and the emotional void was so heartbreaking. I kept waiting for him to" reappear"- or to show some emotional connection for ANYONE...never happened. I finally left...all respect and trust were gone...he was still lying about stupid stuff...I think all the years of drinking and smoking pot deadened a "chip" in him that is what makes one connect with other people...
I also think the alcoholic is so incredibly involved with him/herself that is little or no thought for others. Seemed like his favorite pronouns were "I and Me" .. I remember thinking "When did ME replace WE?" Sad...
Just do today...keep you head up and know that you are enough for yourself.....keep coming back. Lots of wisdom here and the beauty is that you can pick what you can use and leave the rest.
Your answer really touched my heart. You've been there. My boyfriend has never lied to me. Been painfully honest. Our lease is up at the end of June. I guess that's when it's time to really be able to separate if nothing happens. He has been making an effort to talk to me more since I asked for the hug.
Today, for the first time in awhile, I'm focusing on me. I'm going to get a massage and a haircut.
It is different for different people. For me, I was over emotional...crying and spazzing out all the time. For him it's not an emotional void probably as much as it is being overwhelmed by emotions to the point of not knowing how to act or what to do.
Removing the alcohol allows the person to become the person they are underneath...sometimes that does take years and it also takes intensive work in AA and with the steps. A radical change like that means that he is not going to be the same person and whether you guys remain compatible is a toss up. Prior to me being sober, I didn't realize how much of what I thought was "love" for others was really dependence. Hence it would appear I fell out of love or lost feelings for people, but really I was just learning to do some things for myself. Right now you are dealing with someone that has the emotional maturity of a toddler. Don't expect him to fulfil your emotional needs too well for a bit. Also, don't obsess and caretake too much either or he will stay childlike. Ideally, he will step up and grow into a real man but the scary side of that is that you will have no control over him and he may grow up and out of the relationship. Let go and let God.
Hi and welcome birdie! I can only speak for myself on this issue. When i was drinking and drugging my almighty mind has me thinking i was a stud. The greatest lover, the best thing since slice bread! I got sober and i turned into who i really was. An insecure, shy, easily intimidated, sick person who suffered true feelings and fears of sexual inadequatcy. My libido bottomed out with my mental and emotional center and i reverted back to the emotional, mental and physical makeup of a lost and confused 14 yr old going through the change of life.
Give your man time and space to rediscover himself. If it seems to be something other than what i have elluded to here, a physical check up may be in order, possibly even some counselling by outside professional would help expidite his continued development. I deal with many sponses in early recovery that also go through this. Not only do they have all the ISM's related to early recovery (I, SELF, ME) and a long drinking career to over come but they tend to detach emotionally because they fear the next shoe dropping and losing the most valuable asset in their life. Their wife, partner, friend, companion. Many come into recovery suspecting that they are still on a losing streck. Also, depression that has been dealt with by alcohol (which doesn't solve it but only mask it can adversely effect someones ability to be present and available once they get sober.
If its libido.... a doctor visit ending in a script of viagra might help move "things" in the right direction again. He is not hopeless today. Nor does his issues have to effect your own sense of worthiness. 36 days is 36 miracles and there are many more on their way. Just remember the HOW: honest, openminded and willing part and you both will do well.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Wow. Thank you so much. I forget that the struggle isn't just with alcohol. I know there are a lot of other issues from his past, not to mention being malnourished (the hospital told us that when we went to the ER because of withdrawals one morning after a huge bender). The alcohol revolved around everything and everything around the alcohol.
It's nice to hear someone was there and came out the other side.
This is a forever process. It's reassuring to hear other people's experiences.
Thanks for all your insights i am dealing with a loved one who has been pushing me away emotionally for the entire 6 months of his sobriety since returning from rehab. i eventually couldn't take what felt like a lack of respect and cut-off contact with him a short time ago. Don't know what our options are for the future but reading the experiences of others has been tremendously helpful to me. Thank you.
