I have not mentioned that I live next door to a drug dealer. On New Years Eve the family (which is a long layered collection of drug dealers, enablers, whatevers in generations...of them from small children to grand parents to sundry hangers on) usually have a huge party which is accompanied by fireworks.  I have two dogs. One is a beagle and I have to be careful with her not to go out too late in the day. If she is caught in the fireworks and hears them she goes into  panic.  I guess my dog in some ways mirrors the way I am easily panicked. My big lab Akita mix thinks she rules the world so when the fireworks start she gets very antsy and surly and upset and starts barking. So it is no fun for me on New Years Eve is it bang bang bang all night long and then the kids run around in their bicycles generally in my driveway and I have trash all over my yard including bottles and other stuff.  But most of all I feel resentment before hand, afterwards and in the months leading up to New Years and of course I want someone to take me away from this preferably my boyfriend having recovered from all his issues which is unlikely in the next few hours.  But in fantasy I want him to see me and my pain and notice it for once but since he has not done that yet I doubt he ever will.

So today I dread really and then i go into my control mode. What can I do to get away, well I left that one too late because as usual I come last on the list. Can I do something. Well I can go to a movie but that would probably be downtown and then I would have to navigate other drunks.  I do not want to do that.  Its not that I don't want to do it but I have no energy to do it. I have no energy to look at someone who is drunk, wonder whether they are dangerous, not have conversations with them, have a conversation with them to placate them whatever I  need to do.  I do not have it to do that at the moment. So I want to be able to set limits even with myself and acknowledge when I am burned to a crisp as I am now.  So my options are few take a small bit of money I have and got stay in a motel one option, go to a movie and navigate through other drunks and get home somehow another option.

So then I am back to home.  How do I stay  home with my now returned boyfriend who I have said nothing to.  He is resting in his postslump stoned way.  And I will not go to him for help because I will just be entering in my normal communication with him. That would be request assistance, be turned down with an intrigue, get frustrated angry and annoyed and then push/ try to control/over react.  I do not want to do that either so I just leave him and say nothing and decide he will not meet my needs, he is not interested in meeting my needs and he is off in his own alcoholic/drug reverie and he can stay there. I will not try to control/make him see that I am a human too.  He does not seem to know what my needs are. Today he brought me a teddie bear. I do not need a teddy bear I need a human being who can see I am in pain.  I say nothing I do not get angry I do not get intrigued I do nothing.

I am praying about the issues and trying to turn it over at the same time shuddering about the bang bang bang bang then more bangs that is to come tonight until 2:00 a.m.  I ask  God is it selfish for me to want rain and sheets of it so there can be no fireworks so I do not have to experience dog barking me on edge on startle reflex all night long. The rest of the state (California) is flooding people are without electricity and here I am praying it will rain so I do not have to have startle reflex.  I don't think it is wrong for me to want relief so I decide I am not being selfish merely wanting relief.

Then I take another look at the family next door. The big brother who pays for everything even thought  he works all day and all night and nearly kills himself in the process. He will be out there tonight lighting most of the fireworks the center of attention. He must be the center of attention after all he is paying for  it all. The genial grandparents, even the police tell me they are so nice but without any limits. They never say no to the drug dealers they never say no this will not happen on my premises. They own the house, the children make it a nightmare.  I think today for the first time I realise that when the other dealers cars come at night at 3:00 a.m to be precise they get woken too. They are out there with all the grandchildren, nephews, second cousins, people down the street whoever, they are out there cooking, catering, smiling.  And I think what a sad life with children who are addicts acting out all over. One of their sons died last year from a speed overdose down the street, a brilliant mechanic by all accounts, crazed on meth most of the time.  They could not even acknowledge their grief.  The son's family moved in and took over his house and chucked his girlfriend out and she lives next door now they took her in and does nothing all day except ferry her children to and from school and the children are drug dealers in embryo lurking in the shadows all day annoying the hell out of me because they are sitting in front of my house every time I go out to persuade my dogs to pee.  I can get so angry with those same children who look at me when i rush out with my dogs urging them to pee and I have no way of seeing them just some projection I put on them of their judging me.  I can always project others have more than me even when they have nothing and are dying of their own disease right in front of my eyes.  And then there are the daughters, the crack dealing, smiling daughters who will be out tonight whooping, whacked out on crack who I sometimes so envy because they dont' seem to have a care in the world and have family (yeah what a family) and don't seem to need to fit in do anything but have a good time.  I guess I am not in reality because how much of a good time is it to be on crack (I mean i have never tried it but it is not so great a life but in my projections everyone has a better life than me).  So maybe this New Years eve instead of taking it so very personally that this dysfunctional dying family (they lost one this year who knows who they will lose this eyar) is trying to act out again and let them without preconceiving they are having a good time and I am not and they are selfish (they are so so whacked out, enmeshed and out there I don't think it counts as selfish) and let it be. If I need to I will take Pepi to the other end of town and tell her she is the best watch dog in the world but she does not need to be barking all night and tell her I am proud of her for being the best dog I could ever have even when I am wracked with grief and ptsd and let it go.  I can let it got that I do not have the boyfriend I need, the house I need, the money I need, the health I need and the life I need today because the fact I am alive at all is indeed a miracle and for one minute maybe i can be grateful for that instead of cursing out God that I want some other life somehow someway.

Maresie.

Well the heavens did open up the sheets of rain I hope for. Not that I think God answered my prayers it was just the weather. But there are no bangs, and no fizzles and no worrying if the fireworks are going to get in the driveway or start a fire or something.  And I am relieved to rest and not be in total ptsd mode all night long because I am tried and sick and lonely.  And I don't need another stressor.  So I can let myself rest and give myself some space rather than feel resentment or anxiety or take a stick to myself because I could not work out a way to take care of me.  I took care of me as best I could and that's enough for tonite.

Maresie.