The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying really hard to put what I am learning into practice and I am faced with a situation. One thing I do know is that I am a fixer, I want to jump in and fix things for everyone. This has been true in my entire relationship with my A. When we were first married I pushed to fight for custody of my step daughter, left to his own devices I do not think my husband would have done this. Her mother was an active addict and she was not safe, cared for etc. I knew we could provide better for her. We did get sole custody of her when she was 8. She will be 18 in two weeks. During most of the time that she lived with us she had little to no contact with her mother. Her teen years were very difficult, with a lot of turmoil in the household. My husband although sober for most of the time (11 years), still was very passive until he would blow. So I was the meany, well at age 10 I was the meany, by 17 I was the f*&^%Bitch. I was always the brunt of everything and she was mean, nasty and disrespectful. I was always one step ahead of her and he was always one step behind.
Anyway, my A picked up about two years ago and I was living with this in secret. Things were getting very bad with Christine and I was tired. He told her that she could not live the way she was in our house, if she did not like the rules here she could find somewhere else to live. Sneaking out in the middle of the night, failing in school, drinking, smoking, smoking pot etc... would not be tolerated, she could not come and go as she pleased. So she eventually left and where did she go, well to her mother's. She has been living with her mother since March. She refused to go to the local school there, thought she could continue here, NO. I worked hard to live where I do, it comes with resposibilities and choices I have made in my life. If she wanted that privelege then she could have the responsibilities as well. So she ended up dropping out of school so she could go to adult ed. (her mother's brilliant idea) Which is what she is doing now. She needs 6 credits to graduate, has a job (just got it about a month ago) at the mall but is still spending money like she has it to blow. I just do not see how she is going to get out of this. She has so much potential.
So, I gave it all up to my Higher Power. I cannot fix it for her. She has made these choices. When she was too young to protect herself, I tried to help. I raised her as if she were mine. Now, for those of you who have not read my previous posts, my A is not doing to good. We are in a really difficult place and I need to take care of me and my sons. I cannot be everything to everyone. and as much as it sucks that her mother is an addict (active or not I don't know, not my issue) and her father is and alcholic ( active or not who the hell knows today) I would be there for her if it were possible while still taking care of me. If she asked, I would help if I could and I felt it was not enabling her.
I have continued to cover her on my health insurance (30,000) in claims this year, with contnued rehab from an accident and follow up from female related issues needed. But on her birthday she will no longer be covered. I have spoken to her about this, she doesn't get it. Nor does her mother apparently.
Just when I have come to terms with truly lifting this up to HP He is there. WOW it really works. My mom fell two days ago and broke her ankle and elbow. She lives in FL. I do not know how she is going to get around. She is only 63 and very active. I have a brother who lives down the street from her, but he and his wife both work and have a 3 month old baby. My mom has been the one helping them! Then today she calls and says, do you think Christine would come here. WOW!! How does that work out. A fresh start for her, she could make it what she wants. Go back to school, who would know she hadn't been in school. My brother said he'd help her get a job at Publix where he works. She could get her license so she could help out with the driving. It all makes sense to me.... but here is the clincher, other than telling her, how involved do I get in the process. Do I call her mother and talk to her? Do I try to convince Christine? What if she cannot see it for the opportunity it is? I truly believe it is my Higher Power intervening, but will hers for her and if so will she listen.
Any ideas, she is still just a lost kid, who has forced herself into an adult world.
If I were in your shoes I would tell her about the opportunity and let her know you feel it would be a good choice, simply give her your opinion, then leave it up to her.
We all love to play God even though most of the time we don't realize that's what we're doing. We feel we know what's best for others, when the fact is most of the time we find it hard enough to know what's best for us. So keeping that in mind I wouldn't push her or call her mom.
It could go either way.......could be a fresh start for her and a great opportunity, OR she could act wild down here in Fl with your mom and then you're mom would have to find a way to deal with it and it could get messy.
Pray and ask God to guide your stepdaughter in the way she should go.
Good Luck!
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Lynn, If it were me, I'd approach it matter of factly with NO expectations and just tell her what has been asked/offered of her without pressure as to what to do. If you pressure in any way and she goes and then hates it, guess who will get blamed? (I have found what sounds perfect to me, sounds absolutely awful to my kids.) Publix will do drug testing prior to hiring - my son used to work there. Hope all works out for you and Christine, and that your mom has a speedy recovery.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I can imagine how you must feel with this child of yours going back to where she was rescued from. Rescue has been a double edged sword for me it has helped me in some ways connect (I did not feel connected for much of my life). I know I can put considerable energy genius and more into solving others problems. But I wonder what this instant solution to this girl, your daughter because she is your daughter, you did after all raise her, is a way to not feel some of your stuff around her betrayal and your frustration that she is not getting on the program.
I can stand on my head for others but for me it is a hard task to be really honest about where I am ,who I am and what do I need to do. So I would ask you what do you need to do for you around your mother's accident, your own feelings about your daughter leaving is it to rescue her and fix her one more time?
I dunno sometimes the stuff just falls in my lap but I know over and over in my life I have given considerable energy to others as a way to show love but in doing that I was not really showing love for myself. And when I did that I was not really being honest about what I wanted which was a response for myself for how generous I am (I am to the expense of myself) and how loving I am (and how I need love too) and how I wanted something back and very rarely got it even when i did ask for it.
Confused just pass the message on to Christine from your mother and then let them work it out between them. It is up to your Mum to set the boundaries if she wants her in her house. Take a complete step back once you have passed the message on and I would also tell your Mum that if she chooses to have her in Fl you don't want to be the meat in the sandwich if there are any problems. Sometimes everything that glitters is not gold. Luv Leo xx
