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I am so disgusted with my A! the only thing that keeps me from losing it is the fact that I KNOW I don't want to stay in this relationship, and I am doing what I can to work on leaving it. He came home last night so drunk! he tried to fight b/c he knew I was mad, and as mad as I really was, and as disgusted, I tried HARD not to fight, b/c honestly that was the LAST thing I wanted, seeing as how I would probably get only a few hours sleep b/c the kids would be up early. Anyway, the true revulsion came as I was watching him shove handfuls of Frito's in his mouth. I said "how trashed are you?" and he goes "I am pretty smashed"I said "I asked you if you could not get that bad, since we are going out for New Year's Eve." He goes "So? I will get trashed tomorrow night too" I said to him "Don't you think maybe that is a sign of a problem?" and you know what he does? He LAUGHS and Says "Sign me up for AA" I honestly think he KNOWS he has a problem, but doesn't care, and thinks it is funny! well all of his friends are a's too, so of course it is "cool". I asked how much he drank and he drank 7- 32oz beers, and 4 bottles. In 3 and a half HOURS! I am just so disgusted by him. I am not sure how I am going to hide it until I leave. I am not even going to tell him when I do leave, we will just be gone. I don't think there is any point having a conversation about it. He does not care how I feel, and will not change, in fact I doubt he will care if I leave. Our lease is up in Feb. so I am going to start apartment searching. I am afraid he will try to take my kids though. I don't want to fight with him over them. He can still see them, but he can't even take care of himself, he couldn't take care of 2 kids on his own. He wouldn't be able to go to the bar all the time then! Well thank you all for letting me vent. I guess I will figure out a way to hide my revulsion, I will hand that one over to my HP, b/c I have no idea how I will do it. I slept on the couch last night b/c I could not stand to lie next to him. I went in the bedroom this morning, and the whole room just reeked of alcohol! well thank you all for listening. I think I may take my kids out to breakfast this morning. Happy New Year everyone!
Tough stuff Leah, but you're on the right path, by trying to focus your efforts on YOU, and what you need to do in order to get healthy enough to be the best mom and person you can be, under the current conditions....
I agree with you.... some A's absolutely "get it", that they have a huge problem.... but simply aren't ready or willing to do anything about it.... It is a very scary disease, and one that can frustrate the heck outta the best of us....
I wish you well
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
thank you for this post. My boyfreind is in a mountain of debt. i think it is because rather than working he hangs out with his buddies all day drinking and using. He was always off out working all the time and a friend of mine told me people do not have people at their houses working all hours of the day and night (he is an electrician) I know he was out drinking. In fact I have walked up the street and seen him partying with others at a friends house. So he earned money and spent it on booze. I have also been home and seen his friend walking around my yard with a 40 ounce or whatever in the middle of the day. He spins me these stories of the jobs he does which he does not get paid for and the cost of being self employed when he is self employed. Then he spins other stories of not getting paid. He always has a story. Then he embroiders those stories.
Then he breaks his foot and has no money to pay the rent and I have to do it. Then I am not supposed to say anything because I might make him feel bad. Yesterday we had an argument because I said I resented that I had to dig deep again and then did not have the money to go to the doctor. He is a veteran so he does not pay to go to the doctor. When I am sick I can barely afford to go to the doctor, pay for my prescription and get to the pharmacy. When he is sick he is content to take off work (after all I pay for the rent when he needs it) and food too.
He has bill collectors calling day and night, liens arriving by the minute, certified letters by the minute. He always allows stuff like his phone to be cut off. I have not really wanted to look at admit to that he has spent his money drinking. I have wanted not to see when I have gone up the street and seen all his friends drinking with him. I have wanted to believe his bullshit that he is always out working at jobs that don't pay him.
He feels tremendously sorry for himself that all these bills are piling up. He takes no responsibility for any of it and no action. he could go to his creditors and say he has been sick and arrange alternative payments. He does that and then he goes out and buys dope with his brother. I do not know how much dope is but I know it is not cheap. If I say anything he becomes violent. Then he crashes the car, blames a friend who is working with (who he was on the phone with) and brings home a candle to say he is sorry. The if something breaks in the house he goes on night and day day and night somehow it is my fault rather than things break. Of course he does not say that a tv being broken does not in any way equal a car being crashed.
I pointed out to him yesterday that my chaos is not raining in on him day and night, night and day. His life is not interrupted by calls about my bills, I am not calling insisting he pay my bills (and I have a very very low income) and I am not afraid to go to the mail box to open my mail. Of course that is not something he wants to hear because my only role in his life is to feel sorry for him, rescue him and enable him. If I am not doing that he is gone off with his friends, drinking and carousing.
I do not want to admit that he spent the money drinking and using. I want to make it the big other, the job, the illness (he has a physical illness). I want to make it that I should rescue him control it take care of it, rage against it, rage against his mother (how I like to rage against his mother who does so little for him but enable him from time to time when she is drinking too). I want to enter into his chaos, make it something else, deny it, lie about it, blame him for it and never set limits on it. I want to drown in being a victim or drown in being rageful but I do not want to admit he spent all his money on drugs and alcohol because that would mean he lied and lied and lied and then lied some more.
Your post hit a cord with me. When I decided that I was leaving my a husband I felt like I had to tough it out until our son left for colllege, that was 6 months of waiting. Faked it through his graduation,through my birthday, through our 22nd anniversary and my a's birthday. My a now tells me I should get an academy award for my performance! My award is my peace and quiet in this little apartment 15 miles away from him. It was so worth it. He doesn't know where I am so calls on my cell phone alot.
Get a plan and keep it private. You can do this for your kids not to mention your sanity. Pray for guidance and you'll be amazed the doors that open up. Stay strong!
Your message sounds like me years ago when I was disgusted with my A first husband. I really hear what you're saying and know exactly how you feel. After 7 years of marriage, I did leave. I don't regret it for a second.
I was sick of him thinking too that it was OK and cool because of his friends and lifestyle, making it seem like I was the one who had it wrong. I absolutely hate that smell too and don't like to sleep with it.
You sound strong and that you know how wrong it is and what you need to do.
