The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've mentioned some of this in other posts, but I need (for ME) to do a detailed rundown of what is going on with me and my A daughter. To review: she's been living on my couch for 6 years. She went to three different schools and got neither certificates nor degrees. She is sick a lot, has had a number of abortions, and lost the job she got last summer due to missing too much time. I forced her (pre-Al-Anon) to save $1600 from her salary while employed, and as soon as I turned the money back over to her (meant for her to move out of here) she spent it all in two months. Nothing to show for it. Her son, my grandson, slept on the other couch in the living room, and finally got tired of it and went to live with his A dad. As soon as I started making noises about her becoming more independent and moving out, she started "Internet dating" and finally settled upon a former drug dealer/drug addict who was recently released from prison. Now she's pregnant and is getting married, seems to have stopped drinking, has found another job (2 whole days now -- whoo hoo!) and is planning to move out March 1st. (She'll be getting a tax refund in Feb, making it feasible.) He seems like a nice guy, doesn't have a job either (hard to get with a prison record) but is looking. Neither drives nor has a car.
So that's 'Da Situation' and now for my part in it all and how I'm doing. It all started with my other daughter and her children. She has severe learning disabilities and both of her daughters (my granddaughters) have similar disorders along the same spectrum. We moved in together 10 years ago and I still think it was probably the right thing to do. She needed help with the hyperactive children and with all the special education stuff, but me being an Al-Anon I got way too involved and didn't take good care of myself while trying to help her. (WHAT a surprise!) Now the girls are teenagers and seem more stable, and I've come to accept that maybe I helped and maybe I didn't. Without assistance she may have had the girls taken away (not from abuse, but some of her behavior could be construed as neglect -- sends the kids to school sometimes with birdsnests for hair, etc.) Finally I can say with some detachment, 'maybe that would have been best?' Who am I to say?
When my A daughter moved in "for a few months" 6 years ago, I gradually have gotten worse and gone downhill -- gained weight, became depressed and unhappy, and have been waaaayyy too involved in her ups and downs, happiness and unhappiness, etc. Once I FINALLY figured out she had an alcohol problem and joined Al-Anon (6 mos ago) I'm slowly learning to detach, to stop giving advice, to stop trying to fix everything, and I'm TRYING to stop interfering with her consequences.
I'm not doing too good with the consequences. She lost a front tooth (implant) over the holidays and I swore to myself I wouldn't offer to loan her any money. However, when she was offered this job I caved, thinking she couldn't show up for work with no front tooth. I've also loaned her small amounts for Christmas gifts, etc. And I gave both her and her fiance money for Christmas. If it were me (and of course, I know everything and always knows what's best -- NOT) I wouldn't be spending any of that money on fast food. She owes me money, they still need to get the marriage license, pay the minister, etc. However, they've been frittering it away and it just pisses me off. And I piss myself off that I couldn't seem to refrain from "helping" her.
I'm trying to stay out of my own extreme pessimism about this upcoming marriage: they are starting with so many strikes against them. As my brother said, she'll be lucky if she isn't out on the street with a baby in a year or so (or less.) I don't want to be airy-fairy, I don't want to make dire predictions, I'm trying hard to duct tape my mouth shut. I love her dearly and I can't wait for her to leave! She's been a Clingon for way too long, with my assistance.
So that's how I'm really doing. Just had to tell some folks who would truly understand. Thanks for listening.
What a load on your plate. Incidentally I have a temporary flipper and am saving up the money for a implant/whatever. I think your daughter could have got a temporary flipper and that would suffice for work. I have done the rescue so much till I got so burned I could fry myself. I am so so tired of being asked to rescue. My boyfriend has a chronic disease. I told him today I have my own sickness and I am sick of your bullshit.
0f course he then turns it around that I am rude. Well hey maybe honesty is rudeness but I am sick and tired of being asked to cough up and then being punished for it.
I think in this situation there are so many hooks you need to get clear on what the hooks are for you. I know the hooks for me with my boyfriend is his being sick, unable to work (he is not concerned when I am unable to work but there you are he is not that concerned about me full stop and that is something I do not want to face at all). When i am super duper clear on the triggers (his mother being one of them) I can be clear on my responses. I also have to be super duper clear on not being that invovled in his life and not that irritated by how he lives his life because after all I need the space to live my own life.
So sorry to hear ~~ so glad you shared though ~~ we cannot fix in ourselves what we don't acknowledge ~~ that's the first step.
So now that you have the awareness, you can slowly but surely take action as you need to. Use all the slogans ~~ First things first, let go and let God, How important is it?
I have used this tool in the past ~~ when something is going on, I ask myself, "does it interfere with my breathing or is it life threatening?" if it is, I need to do something. If it isn't, it's none of my business.
Keep coming and Keep posting,
Maria123
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I hear you. We have gone over the edge with our oldest son financially. We just wanted to help and he sensed a gravy train and the whole thing snowballed. I have heard that you get what you tolerate. We will need to set stronger boundareis with our son - for his benefit and our benefit. Keep coming back and answers will come to you.
Waking up I think the rescuing bit is even harder when it is your children. We mothers' tend to be a lot softer than the Dad's I think because we carried them for 9 months and that is a bond that a male just doesn't have with his children. Your daughter is always going to be a battler and struggle not matter what you do or don't do. If you want to help her just try and have some boundaries fo yourself so that you are not suffering for it either financially or emotionally. When was the last time you went and blew some money on yourself for a massage, facial etc? Time for you to have a little giving yourself. Make that your first goal for 2006. You are a very kindhearted person and it is okay to spoil yourself you know. Luv Leo xx
It's such a relief to tell folks who really understand! BTW, the tooth I loaned money for was a temp, but still $180. She had dental insurance and money when she was working and didn't get it fixed. She just never seems to learn. These situations just repeat and repeat. Why? Because she has a place to stay and food to eat with me, so the consequences never get that bad to force her to learn. aaarrrggghhh! Anyway, thanks for the responses. It lightens my heart that you understand and care. I used to have a really awful psych teacher in college who used to sneer about all the people who supposedly "care" about us. Very sick guy -- his point seemed to be that nobody really cares. However, I care about all of you, and I feel the warmth of your understanding and caring for me. Thank you!
Well I can understand loaning her the money for the front tooth after all it is hard to go anywhere without a front tooth. I am phobic about my teeth breaking will not ski or do any contact sports because I do not have the means to fix them if they break! I am trying to save up the money to buy a bridge, a implant is probably out the question as there are a lot of complications. I of course spent, rescued and did so much for the a I am financially and spiritually bankrupt over it and totally burned to the crisp. So I can relate. Right now he is sick with some physical stuff but I am sick too so I have had to go back to that I cannot give right now. I am gived out totally bottomed out on rescuing and can do more unless it is life threatening. But he is an a and every thing is life threatening to him and he can manipulate and scam with finesse.
Boy, do I hear you, Maresie! My A daughter is adorable and lovable and lies and manipulates, and she would be the last to believe that she does that. I can so relate. I too am gived out. {{{{{{{Maresie}}}}}}}
