The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted previously about being depressed about my A. He says he wants to be a big part of my life but I haven't heard from him since Monday. I think the depression comes partly from expectations. At first I thought that maybe my husband and I could be friends but I was only fooling myself. It's just too soon. I'm still very much in love with my husband and even though I know that we can't live together you still can't help but to hope for what you once had. I'm already feeling hurt because I haven't heard from him all week. Expectations. Part of my depression is also coming from anger at myself. Anger for letting myself fall for his manipulation. I feel used. I feel that he wanted me to be around to help him get through Christmas. I feel like a fool for going over there during the Christmas holidays. And there is still that little part of me that is hoping that he loves me enough to want to get help. I need to give it up to my HP and stop trying and take it back.
I dunno Julie my younger sister is an alcohlolic. She was a total death alcoholic looking like death warmed over till she got married then she had children. Now she is a closet alcoholic. I think she loves her children tremendously more than life itself but she cannot get sober. Her best friend is also an alcoholic she left her children (3 of them) and moved with my sister to live in a bar. I always wondered about the logic of their move until I could come to terms with they were both alcoholics. A year ago my sister told me one of the children committed suicide and my sister said it was sad. I think for her there is no correlation between her best friend being an alcoholic and her she lives in some hallmark story. I think an alcoholic or a drug addict gets so far out of reality they can't come back till there is a lot of bottoms for them.
I also of course understand what it is to love someone who is a substance abuser. I loved my boyfriend very much and i see sometimes the tender side of him and the love in him for his animals and the creativity in him. I also see the tremendous destruction he cause in both my life, my animals life and the rest of the world. I fear some day he will kill someone out drinking and driving.
Damn they're good. My husband and I are separated. We let the boys decide whether he should come for Christmas or not. We spent a week together. And of course I haven't heard from him for a couple of days now. He does what he wants when he wants. It seems so unfair and yes I feel used. It makes perfect sense to them. But I think that is the disease talking. I feel foolish too. But my strategy is to not let those thoughts overwhelm me. They are selfish and controlling. We can't control it. We can do things for ourselves and take care of ourselves. You came to the right place.
Sure he wanted to be with you at Christmas. The disease always makes them want the best of all worlds.
Try not to think of it as him not loving you enough to get help. that isn't it at all. The question is can he love himself enough to get help?
So easy to say and so hard to do, but try not to take it personally. It isn't about his love for you. The reality is that is has nothing to do with you. For an A, it is all about them.
Be kind to yourself and be gentle to you.
I'm not going to say it stops hurting when we realize that it is not personal, but it does make it a little easier.
