The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
looking back over this past almost 2 years...i have made my peace with me and finally i can "file" my dead parents.....this next year???? will be focusing on me, of course, but PRACTICING what i have learned in this program.....if there is old anger, i shall discharge it and keep moving on...old grief, i will honour and allow as i "take care of me"...this next year will be "training" for my life!! the life i was MEANT to live, but was so horribly interrupted....now i am in "training" with "practicing" what i have learned...
as for my "forgiving" goes???? for the "key players" in my near death and restoration???? this is what i feel....
i finally after 2 years nearly venting/ raging/ discharging my anger/ grief, FINALLY came to the point where IF she were alive, i could tell my mother i "forgive her" for enabling my perp to attack me....she was a hopeless alcoholic who was on her own death wish, she couldn't even save herself, much less me....
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i know she deliberately drank herself to death bcuz of the evil she married....she couldn't STAND life w/out being numbed out drunk...it was the only way she could take it....unfortunately for me?? when i needed her most??? she was not only unavailable, but the times she WAS cogent, she blamed ME!!!! so i began a course of self hate/ self abuse... she was my last hope for help..and i got none!! i didn't know where god had gone to, so i hated/resented god too......
after working so hard in this program, i know that god does not, many times, interfer in "natural law" sickness and death go everywhere/ reversal of fortunes hit anyone/ sudden disasters have no predjudice.....s*** happens to EVERYONE.....noone is exempt....and god many times does not interfere,
but he/she/it DOES interfer in the "spiritual law" each time i choose good over evil....stopping the buck with me....helping other spirits have hope to go on, etc.....i have the TOTAL control over whether i want to make good karma or bad....i have total control over how i choose to think/ act/ behave....and i know that my higher power is 100% involved in matters under "spirit law"
and part of that sprit law stuff is comming to FORGIVE me for the incest....forgiving god (i was in harms way, like so many other children, i was just in harms way, and the demons seek and destroy , i was in their path, thats all..and they used my willing father to harm me)......so i can forgive god , even tho i'll nver understand the mass suffering done here, i can forgive god becuz there has to be a reason for all this, children being destroyed, etc......i can and did forgive me as my only "sin" was to be "convenient" prey for him....
i can and did forgive my mother, i figure the karma she had to pay for what she did was enough....not in my hands....AND had she been in her right mind, i think she would have acted to protect me.....for her sake i hope i am right...she is dead, however i still forgive her....
if she were alive, i would give her forgiveness, however, i most likely woudn't want a relationship with her....she cost me my life!! she hurt me too bad, but i CAN and DO forgive her.....i can even feel some compassion for her plight, but most of my compassion is for ME!! i was the innocent child who had NO choice NO say NO help NO defense NO place to run NO one to run to....i was the helpless victim!!!! so its ME i am going to give my love/ compassion to
him??? i went to court and ERASED his name from me.....i told a judge here in dallas that i did NOT want to sign my name to documents and be reminded of my eight years of hell at the hands of my rapist/tormenter! ........the judge agreed and signed my name change petition...i TOTALLY wiped his name from me....i searched my house and burned everything that had his touch on it.....pictures?? i took hours making sure i had no pictures of him.....i do not want ANY thing of him in MY house....i cast him away and i ERASED his name...i never mention him unless i need to in the course of my recovery......
the months in recovery here, that i spent literally cursing his dead and sorry, condemned soul!! beating a chair visualizing his face as i beat the chair, cursing him, cursing his soul, punishing him for destroying the best years, MOST of my life.....i would scream and beat the chair until i was exhausted......
FINALLY i got to the point where i CRAVED to hand him over to god/creator and take my hands OFF....cut him OUT of my thoughts by thinking only loving/ good thoughts for ME....now i focus on ME, the good.....not him , the evil.......i finally was able to give him over and turn my back.....now i work on loving and caring for me....my recovery...my needs.....my good.....i cannot harbor hate for him, if my heart is full of love for me now can't i ???? thats what i chose.....let the demons have him as i walk away and take care of me
oh i will never forget what he did to me...but i don't have to wallow in it...i don't have to let it run my life....and i DONT......i keep the focus on me and the good!!!!! i leave the bad!!!!!
Thanks for your post. I too went to therapy to face my perpetrator figuratively speaking. I was able to rescue my child and that felt so good. I heard something today on TV about a woman saying no one made it safe for her. That is the way I feel. But it came to me that if no one will make it safe for me then I will have to do it myself. So my task at hand is what do I need to feel safe? That is empowering.
I heard something today on TV about a woman saying no one made it safe for her. That is the way I feel. But it came to me that if no one will make it safe for me then I will have to do it myself. So my task at hand is what do I need to feel safe? That is empowering. In support, Nancy
wow, nancy, "no one made it safe for her" that is EXACTLY how i felt and feel even today....i also know that i must do that for myself.....i guess that is why the program nudges us to "keep the focus on me"....cuz it "begins AND ends with me".....so true, thank you for this reply, nancy, it really resonates with me.....in support to U 2, rosie
