The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A has been in the detox for over a week. We have spoken everyday, it has gone quite well. He had decided that I was the only person that he wanted to talk to (as far as family was concerned) and that was OK with me. His bed date for the rehab is Jan 3rd. Yesterday i went into the city to spend some time with my family...I'm conquering my fear of driving in NYC (yeah me!) and had a good time. Last night he called to say that he cannot get a 1/2 day pass to take care of his business (get his clothing from the house he was living in, his car etc..) and had a choice of going straight in or coming out for the night and going in in the morning. He said he wanted to leave the decision up to me as he was in no position to make the decision himself. Point is, and I told him today I don't want to make ANY decisions for him. It's not my call, it's not my treatment. Doing so will only set me up in the end. He was concerned about how he was going to get everything together but also felt that he would feel uncomfortable being out for the night. I said I would be willing to hold on to his belongings but asked if his friend at the sober house could drop it off....to which he replied "well I can't ask him to do everything"...Well, why the hell not? Why am I, then. This puts me back a bit and I started to feel some resentments. I matter of factly stated that I will not be responsible for it, if he needs help I will help, but I need help too.
The seond part of the story revolves around me driving. He called when I was en route home and I was sooooo proud of myself for doing it. The first thing he said (as he was the driver of the two of us) was "I guess you don't need me anymore".........It immediately brought my mood down. It shouldn't have, but it did. I explained that this is how I felt and all he said was "it scares me"....which to some degree I understand. But I also want for someone to be MY cheerleader. Thanks for letting me vent...
Kim.... you're right on all accounts, from my perspective.... I agree that he's asking too much of you, and it's not your problem to solve.... It's kinda nice that he (theoretically) cares enough about his sobriety right now, to be concerned about himself if he was out for the night, but you are being fair and reasonable in what you can, and can't do for him....
The line he told you on the phone is classic 'pity pot' manipulation stuff..... just think of yourself as "teflon lady", and let it slide right off.....
Have a great New Year
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'd agree with most of Tom's reply post, but just wanted to add another perspective regarding what the A had to say about the driving..."I guess you don't need me anymore"... "it scares me"....
Many A's are very insecure, have low self-worth, self-esteem. Perhaps it was "classic manipulation" as Tom said, but perhaps it was the A's fears, insecurities, etc. also. I find nothing wrong in reassuring the A that he/she is loved and needed while also stating that there are things I need to do for myself also, that these things in no way detract from my relationship with my A, but rather should enhance the relationship as they help me to feel better about myself and when I feel better about myself I am a better person and have more to offer in the relationship.
I can also understand that the A may not have the emotional maturity to understand that, so I have to keep a close watch on my own expectations of him. If my expectations are set too high, then yes, I'm going to just end up hurting myself.
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Part of recovery is being able to make decisions for yourself and living with the consequences. I am surprised that they would let him do this so soon after being admitted. I do like the fact that he's admitted that he's scared to stay overnight. I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Kismet is right about needing love and encouragement in their recovery. They are going through so much that like us, support is vital. Does it mean that we should hold their hand every step of the way? Of course not. But we can still practice that love with detachment. I remember I told my A that the one thing that I wished for him, was an emotional independence from me. I didn't want him to stop loving me or needing me. I wanted him to be able to stand on his own. To realize that he had the strength and fortitude to do this. Everyone wants to feel needed. It's a way of sending a message of we're not alone. "As long as someone needs me, then I'm not alone."
Realize that while they are recovering they as well as you will run the gamut of emotions. There were times I didn't want to see my A just because I was tired. But he was tired too. Then I would feel excitement, etc. They put in a lot of hard work. So do we. Remember our recoveries are two separate issues, but we share the same kind of experiences.
I would keep my expectations low just to be safe. I'm not saying that he can't do this. But the stats don't lie. Just stay focused on you. You can be as helpful as you want to be. But don't enable him by doing everything for him. He needs to stand on his own. My expectations were so high when my A came home. How naive I was. Now we live in the moment and take it one baby step at a time. You're doing just fine.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
