The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been feeling off the last 3 days - dont really know what it is. I know I have felt anger towards my ex, sadness, confusion, doubt, the whole gammut...but I cant shake it off very well the past few days. I dont really even know what was really going on in his life when I walked away - I was 90% in the dark about it all and that makes things much worse for me because I still dont have the answers and am making them up and finding new scenarios that may have happened. I dont think this is healthy. I think this is keeping me in one place and not letting me move forward.
The one thing that feels like I am swinging back and forth on - I shouldnt be and I need to stop. I keep convincing myself that the relationship ended because he didnt want me anymore and I walked away from it before I could get hurt. Why am I convincing myself this!! I KNOW it wasnt the truth. I KNOW it was the drugs and I couldnt compete. Why am I trying to HURT MYSELF????? Why am I constantly telling myself that I wasnt worth it - HE ISNT WORTH IT!! Why when I have the world at my fingertips with all this great stuff going on - do I still need to feel wanted by a guy who's world revolves around smoking pot, making sure he can get weed everyday, getting mad at people who steal his money out of his car and not leave the "package" and then spending the night running around trying to find him when he could have been spending it with his girlfriend, taking painkillers to make his day more tolerable? What is even remotely attractive about all of that?? Why do I want him? There is nothing logical about that - and if it were my best friend going through all of this - I would have turned to her and said - you are worth so much more and why are you still in love with a guy who lives in a totally different world than you do? Why am I so afraid that some other girl will be able to make him happy and he will stop doing drugs for her - when he has been this way - exactly the same place in his life since I first met him 10 years ago. Not much has changed in his life - and I have been through college, 3 great jobs, moved upwards in my life - and he is still without a bank account, without stability, no high school diploma. He has been through 3 different relationships - one with a girl he had nothing in common with except their drug use - and NONE of them have worked. Why do I beat myself up over this - it is just STUPID!!
His entire family are addicts - uncles, aunts, brother, sister, mother, father - etc. All are alcoholics, crack addicts, dealers, etc. All have NO stability. Why do I feel like I can be this miracle in his life that will sweep him off his feet and bring him to a better place - a happier place? What is WRONG with me??
And I am rediculously bitter right now - I read all the posts and hear all the pain and frustration in everyone's lives with their A's and I wonder if it is even worth it to ever get involved with another person again romantically. It is just going to cause pain and suffering and I dont want that. I love living - I love being happy and seeing the beauty of the world around me. I love to laugh and sing and dance and just enjoy life. I dont want to be lying awake at night wondering why my husband isnt coming home - and just detaching myself from the situation because I cant "control" what he does. It isnt about controlling the person I love, but caring and loving and wanting to be with the person I am involved with. And if that person doesnt want to come home to me - or call me - or want to give me the respect that I give him - it isnt worth it to me. I dont want to be miserable in a marriage for any reason - and I dont want to ever get a divorce.
I love being here - I have gotten so much strength from people's experiences and shares - and I wouldnt trade it for anything in the world - but I seem to be getting sadder and sadder by hearing about all the pain people go through with their A's and feel there is no hope for true love and real happiness in this world anymore.
I may need a break - I dont know...
PS - IF I have offended anyone in this post - I do apologize. I just needed to vent.
I have read that we are as addicted to our alcoholics as they are addicted the alcohol and drugs.
We have a need to rescue.
I have also learned that unless I CHANGE I will find another alcoholic or similar type person in my next relationship.
I go to weekly face to face meetings and am doing step 3 with my sponsor.
The work on ME is really helping.
In my face to face meeting last night we read the August 6 Courage to change reading about the courage that it takes to change.
The leader of the group then told the story of the dog.
this dog was sitting on his owners front porch on a nail. The nail dug into the dogs hide and hurt. A mouse came by and said, when will you get off the nail? The dog replied, when it hurts enough.
That;s when we will be ready to truly work our program and get improvement in our life.
Hearing the pain of others. Some days I cannot take to read the shares and have nothing in me to give back.
I look at the fact that, if someone has found this board and alanon, their life is already 100% better than when they lived in denial and had no access to tools to cope.
Other days I am able to read the shares and give back any ESH that I might have ODAT.
Keep working your program and posting Cyn, enjoy Chicago
In support and recovery
megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I think one thing I am addicted to with my boyfriend is the intriguing. He will go off and spend all day smoking pot with his brother (his Christmas tradition) and then act like he is on top of the world. He will "intrigue" me with the idea that he is taking care of his stuff when he is not then he will "intrigue" me by asking me to rescue him and promise fidelity, love, support, understanding and all the things I crave as a result.
Then when I do rescue him and he does none of what he has promised he turns around and is very nasty. Of course it was a con job to get me to help him in the first place after all I am nothing without him (that may be true in my mental state somedays). I have not been willing to look at how intriguing this all is.
Now I am and there was a very very similar pattern with my mother who in reality intrigued me till she died and then carried on the pattern after she died. Her will was this very "intriguing" document. She left money to people who had once sent her a mass card and nothing to others (including me). I was "intrigued" by that for a long long time.
My boyfriend is an expert on intriguing its how he has survived and hooked others in.
I don't know why you would have offended anyone here....
My take, on your post, is that you are getting all wrapped up in the "whys", instead of dealing with the "whats". My sponsor used a simple tool to help me, when I get into that spiral (and it is easy to get into that spiral)....
He simply tells me to use the following question, as a litnus test to see if it really matters:
"if you knew the answer to your question, would it REALLY change anything?"
The reality is, for most of our why questions - why does he choose drugs over me; why does he not feel comfortable talking about his feelings; why does he seem oblivious to what he is doing to his own life;, etc., etc..... the answer to the above question is NO, even if we knew the full answers (which we likely never will), it wouldn't change a darn thing.
I hear ya about the whole relationship thing, and I think that is a natural reaction when we are down about past relationships.... Bottom line is, as we get healthier, most of us crave and need relationships, and so hopefully we do our work, so that our "next one" will be much healthier....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Cyn, this is my experience ok? I am going to say,"you" but I mean Me uno? like i am talking to myself...
You think these thoughts becuz you allow them to be thought. I hear, i am too fat to be loved, I am too dumb and scared to go to college. We broke up becuz of me, he really does not love me.
So stop the crap you are putting in your head. literally. When you begin the talk say or yell, STOP. put in I am a worthwhile, cool person. or whatever. Do this every time. It took me a year, but I rarely say things or think bad things about me.
It is up to us to stop the bs in our heads. I know what you are talking about, i did the thing, he really did not, or does not love me. I don't care anymore. he is a very very sick man. HE cannot love, he does not know what normal is. If normal comes, he soon sabotages it.
heck with thinking about him. I am going to think about ME. I Like me, I love the me hp gave me. I won't allow anyone to hurt that precious gift.
scenerios are insanity, they are not real. Playing with your head and heart are totally a waste of time. I can look at the firey sunset. looks like shiney gold in the sky. He is thinking where he can buy his needles. I think he is sharing a moment with me.
does not matter.
Look forward, more keep to your moments. Go get books from the library of things you are into. or just get those books of photography. I love those Fill your life with postitive stuff. Go dig around at goodwill, get your mind into what you are doing.
MY friend told me once a long time ago. "When ya don't feel normal, do somthing normal." like the dishes or fold cloths or take the dogs or dog for a walk. Living in fantasy is a waste of time.
anyway, if you can let that stuff go a bit at a time, fill that space with some thing else.
It sounds like the disease working on you. Even when they do things like addict we take it personally. Always wondering what we could have done differently. Go easy on yourself. Try to separate who you are and the disease. You are a good person. As I was told, go towards the light.
I know many times I come on here and read, and do not have enough in me to respond to others. On those days I just pray for their well being and take care of myself.
Yes Alcoholism can hurt us and rip us apart> It can make us so miserable. Alanon gives us hope. Hope that we can continue to love and still lessen the pain. It reminds us that we do have choices.
In all relationships there can be pain, not just in dealing with A's. If we didn't have tough times, how would we know to appreciate the good.
I think many of us forget to write the good, we write the most when we are in pain looking to vent. I know myself I am quick to share the bad, and don't always share the good. that is something I am going to try and work on.
