The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Early Wednesday morning my Father In Law passed away. He never regained consciouness since being taken to the hospital a week ago.
This past week and especially these past few days I have run the gammit with emotions, starting with guilt. I have fought so much with this man over the years. He enables my husband so badly, but he also tried to help the kids and I in so many ways that I so often needed and just as often resented.
Towards the end he was doing what he could for us. He did things his way, and I did them my way. Neither of us did things the right way, but we both loved his son.
He often made my life difficult and I just as often and probably more often made his life just as difficult.
He was a hard working gentle man, who had no idea how to deal with an alcoholic son, or a headstrong daughter in law. But he loved his grandchildren and tried every day to be a good man and a good father.
My husband is a mess. He is literally falling apart in front of me. He has depended on his father so so much over the years. My youngest children are not as dependant on me as he was on his Dad. He has no idea where or which way to go. I let him hold me and cry and he just hangs on tight, and I can't make things better. I can't undo the past, or make him grow up or give him his Dad back. I just hold on tight and tell him I love him and that things will be okay. The way I would comfort a child.
All my Father In Law wanted was a good Holiday season. He wanted my husband and I to put our differences aside and enjoy the holidays all of us. I couldn't do it. Then he ended up in the hospital and it didn't matter, he wasn't even aware of the holidays. The irony is we have put our differences aside now for him. we have stopped everything to lean on each other and lay this man to rest.
I pray that God takes care of him and gives him the peace that I helped deny him in this life. I pray that God takes care of my Mother In Law who no matter what wars her and I have fought is hurting badly right now. And I pray for my husband that he finds the strength to get through this, to grow up and become the man his father wanted him to be. I thank God that I listened to him and allowed my Inlaws to take my children to a Christmas party a few days before he was hospitalized. I almost out of anger said no, but something made me say yes. My Childrens final memory of PopPop was a Christmas party with Santa, and that was one of his final days as well. I am reminded again to be careful how I treat people, as I might not have the chance to make ammends.
My Father In Laws hard times are over, I am certain only good things are waiting for him. I think my husbands hell is just beginning.
What a difficult time for you and your family, especially during the holidays. How wonderful that your kids were able to spend time with him before he passed away. My Dad passed away before I had my son, how I'd love for my son to have just one day with him.
You and your father in law had one common goal, to do what was best for your husband/his son. It's up to your husband to do the rest. I hope he's ready!
Jeannie-I am so sorry for your loss. I have been reading your posts for a long time and have been deeply touched by your serenity and how you care for your children. Please take care of yourself. Athena
i relate to that childlikeness. my A and his brother lost their mom (dad died when they were teenagers) when i was pregnant for my daughter 8 years ago. his brother had become totally dependant on her over the years. when i watched him cry (he was 36 years old) it was like watching a little boy. he was so full of fear. it was the first time i saw how alcohol delays their development......and i had a hard time to feel compassion for him, tho i knew it was the disease.
i lost my dad 1 year after we married. my children have only known my mom who is their only living grandparent and she is in the beginning stages of dementia.....so she is moody and easy to anger. but she is all they have and they love her.
grandparents are a blessing.....i am sure your children have been touched by your father in law over the years. i am sorry he caused you so much heartache. people are just all doing the best they can at any given moment. that includes your fil, your A and yourself. God bless you and your family.....
