The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Guess I'm looking to vent a little.... Thought I finally had figured things out. I decided I had enough and started planning to leave my husband..my A. I had reached the point where enough was enough after so many years of dealing with things. This past year has been especially difficult. On the other hand, this was the year I found Al-Anon. That has been a blessing. I had a conversation with my husband one night after yet another episode. I basically told him I was done. His behavior was not healthy for me or the kids and although I could not control his behavior, I had a responsibility to look out for myself and our children. Because it was the holidays, I was waiting. I did not give him a specific date for my leaving, but made it clear that was my plan.
He also found out I was seeing a therapist. He wasn't happy about it but agreed to go see her. At least he did while we were having the conversation. He changed his mind the next day. He is suddenly trying very hard...coming home early, being as pleasant as he can be, etc. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Been down this road before as I'm sure many of you have as well. I just don't want to be on the roller coaster anymore.
Here's the thing...now I'm feeling guilty about my plans. It's driving me crazy...can't sleep, always doubting myself. I still believe it's the right thing to do but his behavior (at the moment) is making me question that. Just very tired.
I hope I find the courage to do the right thing and I hope it's the best thing for all of us, my husband included. Maybe this will cause him to hit bottom and he'll finally get the help he needs.
Hi Michele surrender to a higher power. I myself am going through this at the moment except I haven't got to the stage of initiating anything. Last night I was very clear on everything read the book Getting them sober and today I am wavering so I am not ready yet. Surrender to HP and ask for guidance. The A will use manipulation and becomes really nice so that you then start to question yourself and feel guilty and crazy. I told my A husband the other day that I was not going to end up in hospital because of his drinking now I need to follow through. Hope this helps. Luv Leo xx
Hi It is good to get some kind of support group which is important. I have the face to face meeting I go too. I have the people here online, I have a sponsor which is very important, and I have a best friend who is also in the program.
__________________
Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
It is my experience to separate from the A, has to be for me only. As far as hitting bottom, I don't know about the term so much anymore. Used to.But when I saw my A dead and having to be zapped back, I wondered, how far to bottom can ya get, than being dead?
In other words, sometimes our poor, sick, A's bottom is death. Sometimes it can be as close as they can be to death and it is still not their bottom. Not sure what this bottom thing is anymore.
I do know, when I say something I better mean it. If I waver the A's disease will use it against me later to try to beat me down.
It was my experience to make the marriage work, he would go, come back and again I was going to make the marriage work. Trouble was I had an opponent I could never conquer, that dang alcolism that always controls my A.
So.....we all have our own path, and only you know when you are ready to make a change to make your life better, for YOU. love,debilyn
Michele.... for what it's worth, and this is obviously just my opinion here.....
he is accomplishing exactly what he wanted to.... he wants you to stay... he wants his life back..... and he wants to drink..... the single biggest reason why he IS showing some signs of life, some signs of improvement, is the fact that you finally scared him, and he saw that you were serious this time....
I try to never offer advice to "stay or go", as I can't possibly know what is right for you.... my concern is, that without "credible evidence", i.e. a commitment from him, to follow a rigid program of recovery, with appropriate boundaries AND consequences..... you may be considering a path of sure failure here... By staying, and letting him 'off the hook' just cuz he's being a little nicer, and drinkiing a little less...... is every A's dream come true.
Just my opinion
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
To stay or go is your decision alone. No one else can tell you what is right for you about that. As far as it making him hit bottom, you can't do that, only he can. If you really want to go, do it for you, not for the hope that he will wake up. That just continues the roller coaster. If you have thought it through and realize you don't want to be a part of it any more then it is the right thing, but just know your reasons. It won't work as a threat or a punishment.
First, don't feel you have to rush the moving out thing. You'll know when the time is right. I seperated from my a husband of 22 yrs. in Oct. I had been planning it for a couple of yrs. and I was more than ready to leave when I did. I did not tell him I was going because he would manipulate me into staying with promises. You have to decide what is right for you. I prayed for guidance daily and truley felt that my HP was watching over me every step of the way.
In my case my a surprised me and instead of drinking himself into a hole when I left he instead started by to his AA meetings. He's actually working the steps this time and is praying. I've never heard of him praying before! Unfortunatly I feel like I'm still don't with the relationship. I don't see us getting back togehter, I don't love him anymore.
Please just don't force a solution, you'll know when and what is the right thing to do.
I too am having a hard time with the manipulation and the making things seem better. My husband was recently hospitalized and i made it clear that he could not come home when he was discharged. I did not say he needed to go into treatment to come home, although I do believe that is where he needs to be. Since his discharge on Tuesday the rollercoaster seems to be on hyper speed. Wow the things he can do and think of to try to get me to change my mind.....proof of the insanity of this disease. But the current one is the Mr. Nice guy routine and going to meetings yada yada yada. I just am trying to stick to my boundary and doing ok with it. The only manipulation that has really trwon me off kilter is the suicide threats.... but I am doing ok, today. I realized that I need to do what is good for me right now, and right now I cannot be a part of what he is doing, whether he chooses to drink/use or chooses recovery. I need him to be at a more stable place in recovery, I cannot be along for the ride right now. I have not given this a time frame, but I know it is not a week... he wants answers, he wants to come home..he wants to "start the new year together", but this time it is about what I want for my recovery not for his. Stay strong and keep posting.
