The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's amazing what I can take away from a step for a step that's so far ahead of where I am.
We were reading P2R as is our norm for our Wed Step Meeting, first 1/2 of Step 9. And I don't remember exactly what was shared and how I got to the realization but something hit me.
Someone was talking about control and joking about how, 'they are always right.' And wow, I think I finally realized why I have always had such an easy time of critisizing and 'correcting' the women in my life in serious relationships.
I'm so much better at having compassion and empathy for others around me and my life. Everyone gets the benefit of the doubt. I'm also less likely to get confrontational with any of them either. How is it w/ my A and wife I can be such a bastard at times? How is it w/ my ex fiancée I could be so bitter?
Well, I think so much of it boils down to the pattern in my life. I so often end up with people that appear to need rescuing and/or 'fixing'. No wonder I can be upset at them for not listening to me. I mean, I must be right, I don't need the fixing, and they do. How dare they not do things my way, the right way. If they did, they'd be fixed. I guess its so much easier to criticize when you think this way. What an insane way to go about ones life. Yup, I'm ill as well.
Luckily for me I'm coming to this realization and having awareness breeds the posibility that I can continue to grow and can grow away from this behavior and pattern. It will help my current relationship and if there is nothing in this one to salvage, then should I ever have the chance to try again, maybe I can enter into a healthy relationship and instead of growing apart, grow together. Ah..we can all have hopes. It can also help me in my relationship with my children as I can be less critical of them and more supportive. They will be much more inclined to use the square building blocks I try to give them if I don't try to pound them into their round heads. ;)
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Yep, they say 'being a good role model' instead of critisizing is the way.
It is a joy to see your growth, Bob... thanks for always being there for me, my friend.
I often have wondered why it is easier for me to be kind to other's & not myself. I am trying to change. Like you said, there is a big difference in complaining & in actually working on yourself & making changes.
Gotta love those cognitive shifts! Keep up the good work (on you)!!!
love ya, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I can often spend hours obsessing about all the hurts my boyfriend has perpetrated on me. I forget what I have done to him in the name of love, my need to control and my needs. I can be very very needy too. I try these days to take my needs elsewhere and not to overwhelm the relationship with needs. I also try to be nice to him and pleasant even though at times that is very very difficult. I know when I am being self righteous i just turn all forms of communication off. But when I am feeling self righteous I am actually feeling very very powerless and out of control. If only I could admit that to myself rather than act it out on others...
It can also help me in my relationship with my children as I can be less critical of them and more supportive. They will be much more inclined to use the square building blocks I try to give them if I don't try to pound them into their round heads. ;)