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It is amazing how an alcoholic cannot understand that everything they are saying is working against the purpose for which they are saying it. The discahrge came through yesterday. I went ahead with lunch plans with a fried before going to pick up my husband. He had been indesicisive about when he would be able to leave and if he even wanted me to pick him up, so rather than sitting by the phone, I made arrangements for my sons for the day and did what I needed/wanted to do for myself before picking him up. I went to the bank to apply for a refinance loan, and he tried to call while I was in the bank. I called back when I was done and he said he was all packed up and just waiting for the ok from the Dr. I said I am meeting a friend for lunch and will come after, if you decide you want your father to come to get you just call and let me know. So I went to lunch and called when we were done eating and said I am just going to poke around a couple of shops and then will be on my way in about a half an hour. It was supposed to have been a day of shopping and lunch but... I was willing to cut it short. I went into two shops and the anxiety took over and I could not enjoy myself so I said goodbye and left to make the hour and half drive to pick my husband up. He called when I was about 30 minutes away and I told him I'd be there soon. So when I get there, all his stuff is packed, he intoduces me to a few people and says I am just going to go in the day room to say goodbye to a few people. Fine, but then I stood there for 10 minutes looking like an idiot in front of the nurses station thinking, I am glad I went to lunch and didn't he have all day to say goodbye, but I kept my mouth shut.
So the drive home was rather uneventful. We talked a day to day stuff, I told him how I made out at the bank and that I needed him to sign the papers and a copy of his driver's license so that they could process the loan. Well, then we got off the highway to get to our house AND BOOOM, the other shoe dropped. He says, "So, the fact that I didn't just go through a 4-5 day detox doesn't have any bearing on your decision?" (not to let him come home) and I said, (very calmly) "No" a few minuted later I said, "The fact that you asked that question indicated to me that you totally do not understand why I have made this decision" His reply was, "I'll never understand" and I said, "Perhaps when you are healthier you will." He said, "I never will" and again calmly I said, "Maybe when you have spent the amount of time I have spent trying to figure out why you do the things you do trying to figure out why I am doing this, then maybe you will understand." He said nothing.
We go to pick up the boys and have exactly 20 minuted to whoof done some food before I need to leave because my son has to be at a basketball game. Get home, he takes his stuff out of my car and puts it into his car and then comes in the house. Runs/stomps around the house, tells the kids he is going to his dad's and then to Maryland in the Am. His sister lives there. They are confused by this, but don't say a lot to him. I calmly tell him, if you are going to MD in the am then I need you to sign these papers before you go and then maybe you can fax a copy of you license to the women at the bank. He says, " I am not signing those papers" and of course, I lose my mind. I raised my voice but not in a scream, more in a plea, and said, " you gave me your word that you would sign them." The boys ask what the papers are and I told them it was what I had gone to the bank for that am, just some papers to situate some bills, and he is yelling, "they do not need to know about finances" I know that but... So before I left to go to the game I went upstairs and calmly said, "i do not know what had changed your frame of mind in the last 20 minutes, but you gave me your word that you would support this decision and the papers are on the kitchen table, I hope when I come home they are signed. and I left for the game.
Hi confused please don't take this the wrong way but maybe the timing of you getting him to sign the papers added tension to something that was already to boil over anyway. By this I mean him getting his stuff and moving out of the house. He has now dragged it into all other areas by threats about leaving and going somewhere else. They are all stalling tactics on his part and his way of paying you back I guess. You showed great calm in walking out the door to the basketball game. Remember the 3 c's. Deep breaths and get the focus back on you. We are here for you anytime. Luv Leo xx
When faced with alot of changes or projects I try to keep one day at a time in mind, even one minute at a time or one project, one decision at a time. Sometimes they seem to get all jumbled up together and it feels like one can not get done without the rest moving right along but it all works out in the end, even when others are not ready to make decisions that I am ready to make.
When my A got back from the doctor and started his medication for bipolar, we would walk to the store at night for a chance to talk away from home and a treat, at first I wanted communication, answers, decisions .... after about 3 days of watching him not be able to decide whether he wanted an ice cream, soda or candy and wandering kinda aimlessly around the store I realised that maybe I was asking too LARGE of questions from someone who couldn't choose someting that simple. Whether it was to manipulate me or honest adjustment time or fear, I had to find a way of not being frustrated for myself to feel better.
It's hard living when everything seems up in the air. I hope today is a nicer one for you. Keep the focus on you.
my boyfriend would do that passive aggressive stuff to me too. I then learned to put it into a request. Can you do this as a chance to say yes or no. Of course he has the option to say No.
That helped. I ask for a lot lot less than I used to. I accept no althought sometimes I would like to shove my fist down his throat.
I set bottom lines on pleading, begging, shouting and admonishing (sometimes that one is harder than others). I also put a lot into getting out my resentments at my boyfriend and letting them go day in day out. I imagine you have tremendous resentment with his abandoning you and letting you do the brunt of the day time work for a long time. I do. My boyfriend does nothing around the house. At the same time he currently pays (well in theory he does in practice he doesn't) more than the share of the bills. I notice when I do more than my share I don't necessarily negotiate for him to do more. Right now he paid for the groceries and I paid the rent. Next month I hope to go back to paying for the groceries again. I have to negotiate a lot more stuff with him and know that at the same time I can't fall into magical thinking. He can do the ox bull thing in a second and I can learn not to over react.
