The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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well here is my latest success although i feel kind of lousy. a came over to talk for a little bit. i asked what he was planning on doing and he didnt really have an answer. that hurt to see that he has still not hit his bottom. he told me his counsellor really believed that a wanted sobriety and was able to stick to a relapse prevention plan. a told me he realized he didnt want it bad enough thats why it didnt work. he said when he sees counsellor on the 3rd hes gonna be upfront and let counsellor know he needs more help then an appointment with him every two weeks. (we'll see) my a asked me to come to dinner at moms tonight. i said i didnt want to be around that craziness anymore. he went on about how mom needs him right now cause she has a broken wrist and cant function when i suggested just me and him get something to eat. so i said ok i understand she is sick and set the boundary that i would only go if he didnt smoke any pot while i was there. so after a long talk about that i explained again that i love him but cant live with him and wont even consider it unless i see positive changes done by himself. i also brought up 90 days sober of every substance. it seemed like he was gonna agree about the not smoking pot so i began to get ready to leave then asked again if he wouldnt touch it while im there, he said i cant eat today unless i smoke it and it will only be one toke and i promised mom i would smoke one with her so she can eat too (she doesnt eat sometimes for two days) and yada yada yada every excuse. i said you know what? i started off by asking something simple of you to just not touch it while im there for maybe as little as an hour and he said well you will have to accept it. i said no i dont, im changing my life, and im sorry you just made that choice, then i shut the door. it hurt me to see the tears in his eyes but he doesnt understand that even one toke still bothers me because im still not with someone straight in the head. its hard to explain but sure some of you know what i mean. its kind of like the person is there but there not. so i did an awesome thing for myself why do i feel so bad?
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Yes, you did a great thing for yourself. You set boundaries you can live with! I am learning that when I do something I have never done before to take care of myself, often I feel afterward - shame, guilt, grief. You are practicing letting go of behavior that you have used to cope with for a long long time. So naturally it doesn't feel right to behave differently. Your feelings are letting you know that you are changing, and not all of you is comfortable with that. But like a good parent, you are setting appropriate boundaries for yourself, so even if the little one inside you rebels a bit, you are still being a good parent. Bravo for you! Keep us posted! Thanks for being here and sharing part of your journey with all of us. It really makes a difference. mebjk
You know, sometimes I've felt lousy setting boundaries, too. I think the bad feeling comes from the fact that the person I'm setting the boundary with doesn't want to abide by it (i.e. not get high over dinner) and I am forced to enact the consequence (then I will not go over to your mom's with you). Then, I feel alone and lonely when what I want most in the Universe is to not only be together with my partner and have them be really present, but also I want them to want to be with me. And, furthermore, I don't understand why I can't convince them to want what I want. Coming in second to an addiction is sooo painful. But nothing changes if nothing changes, so in the end setting boundaries is such important progress; boundaries help show YOU how much you value yourself. Good for you!
I am really proud of you. Way to go. I certainly know how hard the boundaries setting is and how the A just cannot understand the motivation behind it. Ever kind of twist and mind game can be thrown at you but you stuck to your guns. Kepp up the great work.
Wow Nsn you did great. Keep it up you are starting to get a little sanity back in your life because you are walking away from the ones who are dragging you down emotionally and physically. Things will get better because you are now looking out for you first. Well done. Luv Leo xx
I have to practice both the internal and external boundaries all the time night and day. I particularly have to practice the internal boundaries. Right now I am flooded with ptsd so I am isolating but in time when I go back out in the world I will at least have the internal boundary in place.
