The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I thought this holiday would be so special. I have bee looking forward to it all month. My company arrives today and I am a mess! My daughter came home this morning from her dad's so I could put different pants on her before she went to preschool. Her dad has no clue how to dress a girly girl! He (one of my A's) found out today how hard it is to get a 4 yr old ready in the morning. He was an hour and a half late. Had pinched her fingers in the car door. She was clinging to me begging me please not to make her go to preschool today. Her dad picks her up again tonight and keeps her overnight. This joint custody is just killing me inside. It has been a year already and I still cry every time he has her. I lost myself in her when she was born. I gave up my career opportunities. Don't get me wrong...I do not regret it at all. She is so special to me and work will always be there. Funny since she was born I have done better in my position. However I have had to pass up promotions.
I know her dad needs her too right now. He has no job and no money. I know she brings happiness to his situation. I just wish I could let go and let god take this pain from me.
Her dad doesn't want me to pick her up from school early when my company arrives today. He thinks once she sees them she will not want to be with him. Oh duh! Why can't he just let her be with her family? My sister is driving thousands of miles to be with us this holiday. Her 18 yr old only son (an A) was kllled last Easter. Her and her husband quit their jobs, sold everything and bought an RV. So they are coming here to have Christmas with me and my mom and my daughter.
Anyway...thanks for letting me vent. Any advice on handling joint custody with an A would be greatly appreciated.
Hello Julia , sounds like you have all the makings for a great xmas, family and a beautiful daughter to boot. Enjoy!!!! Take it easy i't's your xmas too. With your daughter at ex's for the night u and sis will be able to play catch up with no interuptions sounds good to me.
I was told to lower my expectations of the people around me and i would begin to feel better. My life is much easier since I have learned to start accepting what " is " instead of expecting things to be different. I had to get rid of that fantacy that was always in my head of the way I thought my life should be going . Acceptance is a wonderful state of mind.
Somedays reality truly does suck!! but it's a much nicer place to live . No suprises when I accept things just the way they are. and dont set myself up for dissapointment.
Keep the focus on yourself enjoy your family and have a great Xmas . Louise
Thank you Louise...I felt better just getting it out on paper so to speak. I know I have it easy compared to many who post here. It is just when my baby clings to me and won't let go....I know she is so torn up inside. So much for a 4 year old to handle.
I am trying hard to accept what I cannot change. Facing reality is not my favorite thing either. I always expect him to be what I wanted instead of what he is. Even after an ugly divorce. I expect him to be the person I fell in love with. Even if that person is one I made up in my mind. My friends tell me not to give in to him. That he will hurt me again...without thinking twice about it.
I guess I am back at step one again. I am powerless over this too.
I am sorry that you are having a hard time this holiday season.
I have no ESH to share with you on joint custody, however I just wanted you to know that this is a safe place to vent, so when you need to vent know that we are here to listen/read.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
With your daughter being so young, the best ES&H I can share with you is to have the gratitude that he dad wants to spend time with her. After two separate marriages and divorces, both with dad's that not only left me, they also left their children... One is basically a birthday, Christmas type of Dad and that is even begining to wane over time and the other has never quite made it even that far. With that said, I can tell you it is really hard for the children to accept when they don't feel loved by a parent. I have seen my now 25 year old daughter struggle not only with the "abandoment" of her natural father, but with the abandoment of her step-father as well. It has been three years since he has left the family and she still struggles deeply with losing a "dad". Out of my other three children, one is able to take him in stride for the most part (she is 20 years old), however, my 17 year old daughter and 12 year old son is pretty angry with him. They refuse to call him since he doesn't seem to call them on any regular basis. Neither one of them called him to let him know that they had concerts this past month (which he has been good to come to)... and all I can remind them is to put the "S" on his forehead and remember that he is very affected by the disease. I know it's tough to have to share your daughter, but she really needs both of you as much as possible. Sometimes we think it is easier if the other parent just backs out of the picture.... it's not... well.... maybe for us, but not for the kids.
My boyfriends mother is a Birthday Christmas woman. Come Birthday/Christmas she remembers she is a mother. I think she loses trace of it at the rest of the year. I think I resent deeply that she has to come first every Birthday/Christmas. I know there is some pay off for my boyfriend in that I resent it so I am not going to show it anymore.
I know that I have to focus on me and my reality and some of it is mourning that I did not get to have Christmas with him as I would like. I did not get to feel that he wanted to share christmas with me. I also got another embroiled, invovled family situation to separate from. But this time I did separate (emotionally) and this time I will set boundaries and detach and this time I will learn that I can have a Christmas for me too.
I really needed to hear that it is good for her to be with him. Even when she doesn't want to go. Which by the way is often. My ex suffers from a brain injury which has affected his ability to communicate and develop and sustain interpersonal relationships. Often he takes her home and then ignores her and she desperately wants his attention. He has severe ADD and when he drinks his memory and attitude is severely affected. I try and tell myself that it is good that he wants her. My dad never wanted me around. But I also fear her codependance. She so wants to make him happy and he is very moody and depressed.
I had to get rid of that fantacy that was always in my head of the way I thought my life should be going . Acceptance is a wonderful state of mind.