My boyfriend is my world. He is the one that I know God made for me. After we had been together for just over half a year is when I discovered that he was an alcoholic. Now about once a month he goes through a vicious cycle of leaving me.. Because he says that I am too good for him and I deserve better. He tells me how much he loves me but his low self esteem and dad (who pressures him to leave me bc he is "no good"), always cause this to happen, and of course being drunk. I never judge him, or put guilt or blame on him for anything that will put him down. I constantly reassure him with how much i love him and am willing to be here for him through all of this.. rehab and the bumps before and after. What more can I do to stop this cycle of him leaving me and help him? When he leaves me, he shuts down and wont talk to anyone for days... I usually give him about a week or so before he contacts me or I contact him and we work it out. Any advice? Im so lost and very sad without him, drunk or sober, im his biggest advocate and supporter. All I want is to be there for him to help and support.

Hi and Welcome to Miracles in Progress

I hear you and can recognize the pain and confusion of which you speak  Alcoholism is a progressive  disease over which we are powerless.  Living with this disease and trying to "Help" the alcoholic causes us to loose the focus of our lives, stop taking care of our needs and become lost.  We need  a program of recovery just as the alcoholic. 

Alanon Face to Face meetings are held in all communities and are important to break the isolation caused by living in chaos.  Check out the alanon telephone number in the white pages and call for a list of meetings.

Living one day at a time , focus on ourselves, trusting the alanon tools is the best way we can help change our lives.

There is hope

 

http://alanon.activeboard.com/t38730205/okay-so-what-can-we-do/

 

Hi Kelsey... glad you found us.... it's really hard, watching the ones we love self-destruct, and feeling helpless over their journey....  I pasted a link to an old post, where Toby Rice Drews has some wonderful insight into some of the positive things we CAN do, to help pave the way for their opportunity to recover....

Hard as it is to hear - reassuring a sick individual that you will be there with them "forever" - might not have the same positive effect within the insanity of alcoholism, and in fact, can contribute to their disease....

I'd encourage you to read & learn, get yourself to Al-Anon meetings, and your answers will become more clear...

Take care, and please keep coming back

Tom

I'm glad you found us. I know for me the people here have been a lifesaver, Tom being of particular note. Read that book "Getting Them Sober". It helps. It is the most baffling disease out there and it amazes me how it works. The bottom line is this is HIS problem to deal with, what are YOU going to do. This is not YOUR problem. You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. For me, the first was easy to accept but the last 2 were the hardest. I know I have found that with my wife she has on one or two occasions gotten emotional and sad when drinking about other things in life. It is very difficult not to run and comfort her as she sits there crying and at other times when she is sober and cries about other things in life (missing her dead mother, etc, etc) to comfort her. It's a real balancing act. If your significant other had any other disease and were suffering from it (cancer, diabetes, etc) you would provide emotional support. Here, you do the exact opposite. I'm not saying be mean but they must decide on their own that alcohol is contributing to this problem and on their own decide they want to do something about it.

The loved ones of alcoholics must concentrate on US. Put your faith in a higher power that the HP is the only one who can help his alcoholism. When he returns and/or says he doesn't deserve you, you might try simply saying "You know how I feel about this and I love you." Then move on to some other topic or go do something else NOT related to that. What in effect is happening is he drinks and acts this way and you show him an overwhelming amount of care and love. Think of it this way, if every time he drinks and acts this way, you do WHATEVER he wants and say EXACTLY what he wants to hear, is that not in effect encouraging the drinking to him to a certain degree? Detachment with love. It's not easy but it works. For my wife (and this is still a work in progress for both of us) it was the most difficult thing for me to stop searching the house for bottles and counting her drinks. Last weekend I even went in the spare bedroom closet for a different shirt. I heard her (with panic in her voice) ask me what i was doing. I told her getting a different shirt for me. I see in the front of the closet a glass of wine (obviously trying to hide from me). I cringed to myself for a second and got my shirt and left the glass there. I came back in the bedroom and saw the look on her face of panic. I could almost even read her mind of what excuse she was going to come up with, thinking I was gonna say something. I literally acted like I had seen NOTHING (you couldn't miss this glass). About an hour later I was in the kitchen and saw her with the glass going to the sink and pour it out. While I wanted to run to her at this point because I was happy what i had seen I acted again like I saw nothing. Does this mean she is going to stop drinking completely and problem solved? My expectation is no but I know I am in a happier place. Once you work on you your mood will improve. Will that rub off on him and will he change, no one knows but with that and the people here and in Al-Anon you will make it. One day at a time.

I agree with everything you said. I do need to better myself so that I don't feel so helpless during these rough times. Its just very difficult to fathom that someone leaves me because he is not well and not good enough, when I never pass judgement and only support and love. It is funny because yesterday he talked to my mom, but when I text him, he completely ignored me and wont talk to me. Im just desperate for reassurance that this is just another phase in a vicious cycle of an alcoholic and that in due time he will come around.