The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I have started to write this four times now, but I can't seem to finish it. I don't even know what I am trying to say. I have been reading your posts now for a few weeks and I am trying to decide if this is for me.
I can't say for sure if there is alcoholism in my family. I feel like both my parents have substance abuse problems but no one talks about it, and I don't feel comfortable bringing it up to anyone, either. But because we never talk about it half the time I wonder if I am imagining it, and half the time I am sure that I am.
Three months ago I saw a pamphlet about adult children of alcoholics in the waiting room at a doctor's office, and I read it while I was waiting to get called. There was a checklist and a lot of it sounded like me. I looked up Alanon on the web because it said Alanon could help me, and I found this message board. I have been reading it for a while now.
I am so unsure of myself. I don't know if I belong here. I feel silly writing this. I just moved to where I am now a couple of months ago. My apartment is all boxes. I go to work and I come home to boxes and I go to sleep without unpacking them. I haven't decided I am staying. I got a new job here. Every couple of years I get a new job. It's usually a step up so my family thinks I am this hard working go getter type, doesn't put up with bad behavior, if I don't get what I want I just move on until I find it. That has meant for the past 10-12 years since I left my family I have been moving. For about half this time I have wanted to stop and just settle in somewhere. All of my friends are married, starting families. I don't have anyone. I couldn't meet anyone I don't stay long enough anywhere. I have friends I make friends easily but I don't get close to them and then I move and I make new ones that I don't get close to. So I am almost 30 and I don't have many close friends at all, and I've only dated one person my whole life. But to all my friends I look like I have this great career going so I shut my mouth because I think I must be ungrateful. I guess I'm just unhappy. I don't know why I am even writing this. I'm supposed to go visit my family for this weekend. But I haven't bought any presents and I haven't even bought a plane ticket. I don't feel like I have the energy to go and pretend like my latest move is the big deal it's not. They all want to hear it's going great, and I am so so tired of pretending. My parents always insist on picking me up at the airport. One or the other of them says they will come get me, and then no one shows up. So I wait for an hour and then I call my sister. Later they laugh and say they got confused. Someone thought someone else was going to do it. There's never a straight answer. Not to the forgetting to pick me up. Not to the failing to show up to a lunch we planned. Not to not showing up to the holiday dinner until everyone else is cleaning up. No one has a problem but me. I used to laugh like they did and think it's up to me to be happy and as long as I don't give in to the negativity in my head I will be fine. Lately I feel like the negativity is winning. I'm all worried and angry and emotional these days. I don't know why I am telling you this. I could be imagining all this like everyone tells me. I just don't know how I got to this point. I always swore I wouldn't. I feel like I am 29 going on 40. I'm sorry for this but I am going to submit this because I don't think I can rewrite it again. No matter what I write I feel like I'll never say what it is I'm trying to say.
Wow Laurel, sounds like you are indeed in the right place! I don't know what is going on in your family, but it is clearly disfunctional. Substance abuse of any kind ( or addictions) is a family problem - this is why the strange behaviours of your relatives, and your feelings of confusion etc. I would strongly suggest you get yourself to a counsellor (perhaps one that specializes in addiction problems.) and definately keep coming back here. Every little piece you read, or share sheds more and more light. You are not alone Laurel, we have ALL felt like we were in a vacuum at some point. We all thought WE were the ones who were crazy. There is hope, and you are making the first of many courageous steps! YOu go girl! Love, Angie
Welcome to MIP (miracles in progress). I can't determine if you belong here (only you can), but I can see that you are unsure and hope you give it an honest try.. Many people here are ACOA and for some it is not alcohol but other drugs.
What I can tell you is that Alanon is a wonderful program that I have often said "It should be a requirement for all". Many times I have used my program tools with other people, not just alcoholics. Alanon changes our lives, makes us stronger and most of all shows us that we are are complete all by ourselves. We don't need another person to make us happy. We don't need to be doormats and we don't have to let what other people think affect us. It's all about changed attitudes and in some cases removing yourself from certain unhealthy situations.
I hope you come back, visit our chatroom and allow us and Alanon to be your new friends and support system :)
Christy (Cjo)
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You are in the right place and your post touched my heart - in life I am in the same place you are in - single, alone, starting a new job, almost 30 with no marriage, kids, etc - the pressure of it, the frustration - etc etc etc. But you really are amoung people who will support you unconditionally here. Just share and you will find kindness and love.
I am so glad you're here. As with all of us, it sounds as if you have a lot of work to do. The first thing to do is figure out if you have a problem and what it is. The second thing to do is be gentle and patient with yourself. Do you want to change things? then you're in the right place. Keep coming back. Keep reading the posts and keep posting. You'll get a lot of feedback here and then you can figure things out.
I can so relate to your post. I am constantly feeling like I am the crazy one and no one else can see what is actually going on. It was not until I came here, started reading, sharing and chatting that I realized that I am not alone. For every thing that has ever made me feel like I am going crazy there has ALWAYS been someone here who got it.. I have found a place where I don't have to feel alone and like I am mad. Keep coming back. Read some of the old posts. Share - even if it's just something like "have you ever....." you will be amazed at the number of replies that you will get. We have all been there. Some of us are still there at this exact moment.
I know what you mean about feeling confused or wondering if anything is actually wrong in your family because no one talks about anything. My family is pretty much the same except we talk behind backs about what is dysfunctional and we don't confront the issues. Very healthy.
I am also about 30 and single. Not too many close friends, but everyone thinks I have it together and I'm happy.
I found this message board this spring, and it has helped me SO much. Things are getting much, much better in my life.
Welcome to the board! Take your time in deciding if Alanon is for you. The motto is take what you like and leave the rest. There is alot of literature on Adult Children of Alcoholics. I came from an alcoholic family who to this day will not talk about it. It does make you feel crazy because you can't validate your life. The first clue for me was hitting a wall in my 20's. I was frozen. I dropped out of college. I didn't even know why I was there. I felt that I had to please my mother. There is alot of help, knowledge and tools in Alanon. And there is understanding from the members because most of us have been there in one form or another.
Hey the rules schmooles say that you need to be affected by someone elses drinking. Your obviously concerned, so you affected. Your also affected it sounds like by alot of other A or dry drunk issues as well.
The wonderful thing about Alanon is it does teach us that it is up to us to be happy. Gee, that's all well and good, wiggle my nose and I'm happy. Right? Well as it seems you found out, WRONG !. Alanon gives us so many tools to give us vision into ourselves. That gives us the power over our own lives, the power to change things for ourselves, for the better.
Keep hanging on the board. Also I highly suggest you get to some online and face to face Alanon meetings. For me the fellowship and Experience, Stength, and Hope are such powerful forces in the program. There is so much to be gained, from not feeling your alone, to how others use the tools, to how others slip, move on and move up.
Even though at meetings you may hear alot of shares of those with a very active alcoholic in their lives, you'll hear from people that have been removed from the alcoholic situation for years and are still affected. You'll hear people come to self realizations about themselves and their childhood, and I'm sure you'll find many things that you can relate to.
Just getting by as so many of us have done or still do while we are new in program sucks. Welcome, give it a chance and by doing so give yourself your best chance at happily living !
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
If you re-read Bobump's first paragraph, that was what I was going to say - sigh, he beat me to it!
Try to get to face to face meetings, if you can. For my first 2 years in Alanon (been in the fellowship for 5 years now), I hung onto a little card which is called Just For Today. It helped me put one step in front of the other, some days, that was as much as I could achieve.
I can also recommend the book Courage to Change, it is a daily reader - we have to take little baby steps in the beginning, and having that book, just reading one page every day, it helps me enormously.
Hope to see you in the chat room - we share, and we have a laugh, something I bet you dont do often enough!
Welcome to this group Laura. I am new here too. Last time I visited my family of origin I was on a plane for 13 hours, then got a subway, then a train. Overall travel time was over 17-18 hours. I got to my mother's house and she did not even make me a cup of tea. My elder sister came from around the corner and she jumped up and made her special treats and more. I had not seen my mother for 15 years. I think that still hurts today. I have had to look at very closely my relationship with my mother and do a lot of 4th step work on it to get a sense of distance from that kind of rejection. Needless to say family visits are not on my immediate list of things I like to do!
One reason I hate the holidays is that I have not yet come up with enough boundaries/scripts to deal with the typical enquiries about family that go on in social circles. I avoid them as a way to deal with them. Obviously that is not the best way to go about living on a long term basis but then I always was one for survival rather than joy and happiness. Only lately have I even begun to feel worth having joy.
