The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I an confused again. I took a half a sick day yesterday to try to get some things done for the holiday without messing with the kids routing too much. I was quite successful in that task. Task it is, quite tiring. But I was happy to be able to buy the kids the gift without the added guilt that it was going to put me deeper into a financial hole. Thank you God again for my angel.
But... I spoke to my husband and he is having a difficult time in the hospital. The care coordinator called and asked me if I would come there today for a meeting. I agreed, and will be making the 1hour 15 minute drive today for the meeting. I told him it was important to me that I be back for the kids after school. The meeting is at 1:00. I am anxious about it though. My husband said that the Drs. think he is bipolar. I am not surprised by this, I have mentioned this possibility to him many times in the past and this is the first time he is in a place where they are looking at the possibility of some kind of imbalance. HOwever, I am very anxious about it. Not that he might be bipolar but that he will use it as an excuse. I did not realize how anxious I was until I got up this morning and felt as though I had been hit by a bus and had not slept a wink.
You see, when he was there in April, he had been on Clonazapem and Zoloft. They told him he should never have been on the Clonazapem, as it is a chemical trigger. He seemed to use this as an excuse for his choice to pick up and expected a quick fix. At least that was my perception. I am afraid that he will think if they put him on Lithium for the bipolar that that will fix his addiction. It will not. The are two separate, yet intertwined issues and both need to be dealt with.
So today I am anxious, confused, and yeah, a little bit angry. LOL I knew it was in there somewhere. I guess these thoughts and feelings just put me back in a different time when I was REALLY angry.
Oh, on a more positive note. He wants to try to get the unemployment that he was unwilling to get before. But wants me to make the call. I asked him why he could not do it and he said the phone situation at the hospital is not conducive to it. I suppose he is right. He had already looked up the number, a plus, at least he did not expect me to do that. I am going to ask the Dr. today if he can use my cell phone while I am there to make the call...It is his responsibility. If this does not work then I guess I will do it. In the end it will benefit me and the kids anyway.
I will be thinking of you all as I go through this day and doing my best to stay strong.
As always, thanks for listening and the sharing, you have no idea how much it helps.
My A is a mentally ill chemical abuser as well. A is the chemical of choice but she was taking tons of pain killers and xanax w/ Dr. Permission as well. Personally one of them jump started the cycle this year again.
When my A was inpatient, some of the darn meds they gave her were addictive. When they released her, her outpatient wanted her to go into rehab. Nobody would take her until she was detoxed off the meds from the inpatient psych unit. It's amazing how two different units in the same hospital do not communicate and can operate with such differences.
My A used the excuse that she was abusing the alcohol before she went inpatient because she wasn't being treated properly and was 'self medicating'. Interestingly enough, I think she was trying because while in outpatient, she did attend AA, got her 30 day pin and would ween herself off alot of the psych meds because they wouldn't allow her to feel. She was diagnosed as bipolar at the time, but later had a doctor tell her she wasn't an take her off those med. She might not be because I don't see the huge swings anymore.
Of course now, she is being tended to by psychiatrists and therapists and she still drinks. Yesterday I tried to have a rational calm caring discussion with her. Something came up and I mentioned that she was drinking earlier and earlier, that she promiised the kids she wouldn't drink on day she worked and that only happened the first few days of work. She asked me, why are you doing this (meaning saying something). I said because I care, I could ask you the same question, because your doing it after 6 doctors have told that you shouldn't be drinking. Her answer was that this was a choice she was making. I agreed that we all have our power of choice.
I do sympathize with her struggle. She has yet to realize that it's not always a choice that she makes to drink. She is an alcoholic, and addict. She still thinks she has the power over the substance and it is all choice.
I sympathize with your struggle too. Being with a mentally ill chemical abuser is tough. {{{{{{{Lynn}}}}}}}
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Hard to know what is yours and what is not, in a situation like this. As to whether this will be used as an excuse, such why not, an A will take any excuse, why not use such a good one? My A used to do those "Could you be depressed" checklists that you would see in the newspaper or wherever, as an excuse. I would see that he had checked off every box, and yet would not urge him to see a doctor about it. Why not? Because I knew, in my wisdom, that he would lie to the doctors about how much he drank and about the other drugs, take any medication they gave him, continue to drink, and overdose and kill himself.
Maybe he would have, maybe he wouldn't. Maybe if I had urged him to get medical help, and been supportive, he would have gone for help earlier, and years of pain could have been avoided. Maybe he would have just gotten a diagnosis, and refused treatment, and used it all as an excuse to feel sorry for himself, just as he did with all his physical ailments. Maybe ..... Anyway, what I DID do was hide my true thoughts and feelings, and try to manipulate the situation to what I thought was best for another person's health. I played God, just as I did in almost every other aspect of our lives, because I didn't know what else to do. I tried to control it, because if I didn't, I was so scared that the whole thing would just swing into insanity. I pretended that we weren't ALREADY well into insanity.
In alanon, all we can do is the next right thing. Focus on yourself, detach with love. let go and let God. Live in the moment - so many of the things we worry about never come to pass.
