The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First off, let me say that I have been impressed with and encouraged by the amount of understanding and genuine caring I have seen on this board--I've been a "lurker" for some time now, trying to decide if I belong here or if I would be imposing on you.
I've decided that I have a problem with my H's drinking--eventho he doesn't--so perhaps I can gain some insight on how to make changes in my own thinking and behavior--because he is such a happy camper that he has no reason to stop. I get that. What I don't get is how do I start--how do I separate his behavior from mine, his thinking from the way I think? Does this make any sense? We've been married over 37 yrs and for the last 20 or so he has not been the man I married. I think I am tired--tired of being betrayed, yelled at, called names, belittled, put second to his drinking--the list goes on.
Well, I am sure I haven't typed anything you haven't read before--but it is the first time I have put this down on "paper". I guess that is a start, huh?
Glad you found us! I am an ACOA (Adult Child of An Alcoholic) and although I'd been aware of Alanon since childhood (my mom attended), I just started attending myself a few months ago. Here's where I started: I looked up several face to face meetings in my area (you can call 1-888-4Alanon) for this info and started attending. At the meetings, I bought the two most recent daily readers _Hope for Today_ and _Courage To Change_. I earmarked the topics (using the index) that most spoke to me right now (for example, all the sections on self-care). I read my readers regularly. I got the phone list from my meeting and started calling Al-Anon members to talk (this felt like such a scary step to me, but well worth it!). I found this board and started coming regularly to read and to post.
After these first few months, the messages of the program are starting to sink in and I'm finding myself naturally relying on the ideas and ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) as I move through my life. As I work the program, my thoughts about myself, my situation, and the Alchoholics in my life has changed. I'm taking better care of myself and feeling better, and more in charge of my life.
What a wonderful start. Welcome! You are in the right place. The first step is reaching out and asking for help. It sounds as if you are gaining some insight just by "lurking". You have learned the importance of detatching and be good to yourself. You are right, you have no control over whether he continues to drink or not and must focus on you and your happiness. I'm a mess myself so don't have a lot to say tonight, but wanted to welcome you.
Welcome to the MIP family. I am glad that you decide to stick around. Here you will find alot of good sharing you will learn alot from peoples growth. For me I have been here 13 months and I have learned alot. I also go to face to face meeting which is good as well. I have a sponsor which has helped me so much. I have made myself a nice support system. I have people that I can talk to just in case things are not going well. I have an active alcholic my husband. When I first got here I would be worrying about him all the time, what is he doing, where is he going. When he went out the door I would be foolowing him around. I do still worries about where he goes however I have gotten better. When he leaves the house I don't follow him. I used to call him all the time and when he went out drinking last Tuesday i didn't call him one time which was a big step for me. It has taken me a while but it does work if you work the program. It is worth it.
__________________
Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
Thank you for your responses--I really appreciate your taking the time to "speak" to me!
Last year I made a resolution to lose weight--and I kept it--am within 3 lbs of my goal. This year my resolution is to find a way to live in this relationship in a positive way so that I can feel like a worthy woman, deserving of happiness, love and security. Losing weight was easy--I knew what I had to do. This year's resolution has me scared because I don't know where to begin.
I know I need to find a meeting place. Have not wanted to do that because I can't leave the house without my A asking where I am going--and I won't lie. He works from home in his own business so we are together all the time--he knows everything I do, everyone I talk to, etc. That sounds like he is a control freak but he isn't. He never tells me I can't do such and such--he just wants to know about it. Money is not an issue in that he never says I can't spend what I want for what I need.
I'm just so tired of the behavior brought on by the daily drinking. And so tired of the "things will get better" promises that are never kept. I am beginning to feel like a shell of a person.
Sorry--off my pity pot now. Thanks for letting my whine.
and I'm finding myself naturally relying on the ideas and ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) as I move through my life. As I work the program, my thoughts about myself, my situation, and the Alchoholics in my life has changed. I'm taking better care of myself and feeling better, and more in charge of my life. 
