Hi everyone,

I know this is a little unusual, but I have a friend that had something they were going to post on the board her, who has lost access to internet.  They wanted me to post it for them to get feedback from yall and I will print these out for her to read.  I would sure appreciate it if you guys would take a few minutes and share a little ES&H with her, she gets  a lot of stuff from me...  ... but think she could use some "outside" insight.

Yours in recovery,

David

Oh! if you would like to have a name to respond to, just use Unicorn, she'd like that one I think

It all started (in her opinion) about a year and a half ago. Her husband started acting differently. You see, he found a new friend to hang with, and the new friend shared his own views and opinions quite freely and effectively. This led the husband to think that life was just too short to not be doing what you want. The only problem is he forgot he had a family at home. At first, it was only a few beers and only a few late nights. But as time wore on, they both increased. This in turn, led to quarrels with the spouse, and more responsibility on her shoulders, too. You see, She works the full-time job, pays all the bills, cleans/cooks, and shuttles her girls around like a taxi to have social opportunities. She doesn't usually have a lot of time to herself, but she enjoys being with her family the most anyway. She has always wanted to take a trip or vacation but they have never been able to afford it on one income.

The house needs repairs (the carpet was torn out and the boards were never bought to replace the ugly linoleum-again, money being the issue. There is also a huge hole in the roof that was supposed to be repaired three years ago), the new car was repossessed because he said it was too much money (even though she was making the payments just fine), and the oldest child is almost grown. Her father promised a year ago to teach her how to drive, but his "schedule" just didn't allow it (heavy sarcasm).

All she wanted was a little help. Many times, it was financial because nowadays you just can't do much with one teacher salary and a family of four. Most times, it was just comfort/time shared with the spouse that was needed (as she left early for work, and he would frequently be gone when she returned).

She tried stating her needs in a positive manner because she knew that to do so otherwise, would be futile. However, she had a hard time controlling her emotions, and they would often reign in her outbursts of frustration and resentment. She tried blaming everyone and everything but the responsible parties involved-him and her.

He continued to do what he liked (hanging, playing music, drinking,..), but it was always with the same friends. She just wanted to feel included, as she was not invited or asked to these places very often. But the more she whined and complained, the more he stayed out of reach. Communication is still the key to the problem. They had no cell phone, but his friend did. The trouble with that was they were often in places the phone didn't work. So, she asked him to just leave her a note now and then, to call once in awhile...but mostly, to just try to come home at a decent hour a few days a week. He resented her trying to control him (his words), and refused to compromise with her. It became a vicious cycle. They would argue, he would leave/come home very late, then they would talk and start over. Admittedly, sometimes he was working with the friend; running errands, fixing things...but, lately there just hasn't been much money coming in from his side of the fence. He would just like to make a movie and play music for a living, but he hasn't figured out that most other people work jobs and do those things on the side until they get going good. She wants him to have all the nice things he is always talking about- a nice motorcycle, a truck, a guitar and amp...but, he just can't seem to understand that to get those things, he needs to set goals, and if that means working a regular job, then that's the price you pay. But,because he values the freedom he has had for so long, the "job" is out of the question.

Yes, they are both quite stubborn people. She however, is supportive and always available to him and the children. She even attempted to help the situation a few months back by putting the girls in public school. This way, they would get more social opportunities and help with their homework, and he would have the house all to himself for his "work." You see, he's an artist. So, he writes, paints, videos, plays music...and when he applies himself, he can do great things. The funny thing is...when the girls started school, he started being gone during the day too, not just at night. So, the theory that he could get more work accomplished with no interruptions, fell through. Lately he has become so obsessed with music and motorcycles and beer, he has pretty much forgotten everything else.

It's really a shame because he has sold every painting he ever did for at least $300 and his video work was steady for awhile, too. He just can't seem to focus on these things anymore. It's almost like he wants to become his friend (who does the music and beer scene), but the "major" difference is the other guy pays the bills, and takes his family on trips several times a year. Hmmm...? What's wrong with this picture? Why does he think his wife is the crazy one who is never happy? Could it be because she feels abandoned, hopeless, that things are never going to change because he doesn't want them to? Let me tell you...she has tried everything short of a divorce/separation to understand and communicate her feelings with him. He has "had enough," he says. No one is going to gripe at him. She is (his words) "stupid," "dumb," "crazy," "needs to grow up," and, "if she doesn't like me/what I do, then she can go to hell." Oh yeah. I forgot the one about her making his whole life miserable, and the one about her being the "destroyer of all things."

He says she doesn't trust him and asks too many questions. She just wants to know what's going on and be included once in awhile in the fun. The trust issue is really funny because every time she has trusted him to do something he said, it has come back to haunt her. Like, "let the car go. I'll get you a nicer one," and, "I'll call you," and "I'll be home early," and "I'll get the money," and "I'll fix it,"...shall I go on? She walked to work one day because the car was gone and not replaced yet. She couldn't sleep for worrying about him drinking and driving late at night. She cried herself to sleep so many times, it's amazing she can function at work at all. She has paid late fees and reconnect fees for small bills she asked him to take care of. She "trusted him" to pay bills or buy certain things needed, and he spent the money on beer, cigars, and gas in someone else's vehicle. She still loves him more than life, and she doesn't really know what to do anymore. She doesn't want to be alone or divorced, but things have gotten so bad, they no longer talk until they come to an agreement and make up. He doesn't want to hear it anymore; he won't feel bad when she cries... What is the answer to a problem like this?

He hasn't been home, called, or talked to the girls even, in two days.

She feels abandoned, and she just wants to know what the hell went wrong.

Why can't she make him happy?

She has tried talking to people just to get different views of the situation, but this hasn't helped either. She has prayed about it, and this does seem to

help. I just can't see things ever returning to the way they were. Everyone

tells her to, "Let go...," but she is so afraid of losing him forever. I think she already has.

He thinks she only cares about money, but this is not true. How can he not see the pain, the love...?

She has been so patient. Waiting for him to think/do whatever he needs to

be able to return to her. How long will that be?