The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been feeling so good lately and today I just dont feel so happy. I started thinking heavily about my ex. I have been questioning everything - especially why he hasnt come apologizing to me about ruining what we had with his drug use. I am starting to doubt that he really was happy with me even though we never fought. I feel like I am convincing myself that everything was a lie - that sending me sweet text messages after I went to sleep telling me how lucky he was to have me in his life and what did he do to ever deserve someone as good as me - were all lies. I keep going over and over in my head - that there was someone else in the picture even though there were no signs pointing to that - and all signs were pointing to him abusing drugs: pinpoint pupils, vomiting in the mornings, passing out at random times, moodiness, not being able to sleep through the night, uncontrollable rage (not ever directed at me), pre ejac, and sometimes impotence, lying, slurring his speech, hiding things from me, etc etc etc.
And then I get upset that he hasnt come to apologize and be his sweet self again - and of course FORGET that I havent been answering my office line on purpose (and getting yelled at for it even though i hardly get phone calls and now all of a sudden I am popular with the front desk getting calls for me) and he doesnt have my cell phone number - and we dont use our house line for anything except tivo (dont even have a phone connected to the line). And he lives 2 hours away so it would take a lot of balls for him to come here ESPECIALLY after I hung up on him over a week ago.
I dont know - I just feel bad today. And I feel like a loser because I am sitting at home instead of going out - which I could go out to the bar in town and hang out with my friends but the desire is not there. I am actually kind of wiped. But then I think about him - and feel shitty because he is probably having sex with some girl tonight - some girl NOT me and I start thinking why I wasnt good enough. Which the icky thinking starts.
I am not missing out on anything right? He didnt clean up over night and some girl is getting the best of him - right??? I am better off without dealing with that?? That his life is probably still a mess like it was 2 months ago????
May I offer some encouragment? Believe it or not someday you will remember this relationship and wonder why in the world you were ever in it! About 20 years or so ago I was in one like it and I did get over it (very quickly) and I still wonder what that was all about! I sometimes think Karma is the only logical answer to some of the things we humans put ourselves thru. I remember I was so hurt, angry, confused and all kind of stuff. But the main problem was I was thinking it was ME!!!! Guess what it was not me. You need to be your own best friend right now and go look in the mirror into your own eyes and tell yourself you are worthy you are good and you are not the problem! It is the drugs! Nasty Filthy Things they are. They have messed up so many lives and stop right now and tell yourself I am not gonna go down this road tonight!!!!!!
This is my first time on this site but I read your posting and was touched by your ability to put into words so much emotion. I felt your pain and confusion. I hope you write out your thought often as you are very talented with words.
Turn your back on the fellow. You will go on! And do so much better! It happened for me and if it happened for me it can happen to you. Just have some faith in your new best friend that person you are gonna go look at in that mirror. The mirror thing really worked for me!!!!
Give yourself some love, girl! And, some credit for being willing to see what was really going on and taking a clear stand.
Believe me, I've been down the road of the "Was it me?" and "Do they now have a fabulous life without me?" I think it's natural to ask, "Was it me?" And, I think in a relationship without drugs there might be some value in this kind of self-reflection. However, in a relationship with drugs, we will ALWAYS lose against the drugs. The drug user has one objective, to score. No matter how good, loving, capable, smart, brilliant we are, the drug is always going to win this beauty contest. It's that simple.
In the aftermath of a relationship, especially one in which you felt loved and nurtured at points, it's natural to be lonely and longing for what you had. Try to be gentle with yourself during this time. Resist torturing yourself with the what if's and the where is he's and do something good for yourself.
Cyn , h is using has nothing to do with you. WE aren't powerful enough to make anyone use OR stop. He is an addict which explains the behavior. What we need to find out in recovry is what makes us think we don't deserve to be treated better? that we are willing to put up with the crap just so we aren't alone. Starting over is not easy , but once settled in Al-Anon f2f u never have to go thru anything alone again.
Here is my email I will send u a couple of pages from our literature that may help.
It is the disease. They lie and they know it and don't even know it. My husband lies about everything. He's sober! They believe themselves, they do it to protect themselves, and to make them seem better than they are. When we make it all about them, then we give our personal power away.
