The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm so happy for knowing the 3 Cs today. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it.
My mom called me this afternoon, wanting to chat about my upcoming visit. She didn't want to talk about this too close to my arrival because "she knows how I can be when I am confronted." She goes on to say that she hopes during my visit I won't do anything to "upset" anyone. She wants this to be a "happy holiday" for the "whole family." So, basically, from where I stand, she's asking me not to do anything to ruin it. I asked her what she meant. She said my "attitude" is frequently "out of alignment," and she would appreciate it if I could "keep it in check," not that she is trying to be confrontational, she says. Just trying to "head any potential trouble off, in the spirit of the season." She has such a sweet voice when she says these things. Like she is complimenting me. Reminds me of how you can say anything you want to a dog, as long as you say it in the right tone of voice they will wag their tails. Too bad I'm not a dog.
As usual, I didn't know how to respond. I usually think of something appropriate to say later. I didn't think there was much point in getting into an argument, so I didn't. I told her I'm sure I will have a good visit. It's true. I'm sure "I" will have a good visit. I'm not so sure about the rest of them.
Boundaries. When I feel stressed out around them these days, I walk out of the room. I walk out of the house. I keep my mouth shut. I choose not to engage. Lately, this has meant she follows me into the next room screaming. Follows me onto the front lawn screaming. Follows me down the street screaming. I'm wondering, whose attitude is in need of alignment?
The other thing I get when I visit, from other relatives, is "I wonder what it is about your visiting that causes this to happen," when my father drinks or my mother acts like a looney toon. I know I didn't cause anything to happen. But it drives me ballistic inside to think that everyone else thinks I did. How's that for lack of serenity. Somebody suggested a good answer would be to say "I don't know, why don't you ask them," and walk away. I like that. I'll use it if and when the opportunity arises.
These little comments they make, sometimes they just wear at me. Chip at me. Until I feel broken. How many times can I hear the same thing before I start thinking, maybe I really am wrong about this?
I asked my husband why I keep going to visit them. He reminded me that I go to visit because they are the only family I have, like it or not. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, right? Well maybe the insanity isn't so much that I go visit. It's that I expect these people to somehow wake up and respect me for not doing the same old thing anymore.
I'm going to have a good visit, and I'm going to visit the people I want to see, and it's going to be okay. The thing I need to remember is not to take it personally. That part of my attitude I guess I can change.
Boy can I ever relate to this - and you are right - you can leave, stay with a friend, cut your visit short, just laugh in their faces at the absurdity of it all.
When it came to my ex-husband (who is still an active addict) he would follow me, screaming from room to room for hours. I had no program, no coping skills. Everyday I tried something different & nothing ever helped... I simply had to remove myself from his life completely, love him compassionately & with detachment.
I do realize you're talking about your parents & not someone you "chose."
You can control yourself, change yourself therefore you can cure yourself.
Sometimes the laughter of the craziness in the moment really helps me. I expect my step-father to be a totally insconsiderate jerk, that drinks, gambles & cheats. I know it is possible that he 'could' change but I don't get my hopes up... that way if he ever does change & I do pray for it but know, like everything else that has happened in my life ~ it happens it God's time ~ not mine & all I can control is me.
Happy Holidays, thanks for your post,
love, -kitty light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
(((Pixel))) what a week ahead! I had visits like that for years. Just as you describel. Boy, the analogy of talking to the dog is right.
One time, my brain shifted and I heard love in their words. They were saying the same nonsense but I heard it as love. I tried from then on to listen to love in both directions, from me and to me. I am so grateful for that shift, because that is my memory now. I no longer have the option of visiting them, but I am left with rich memories and the knowledge my hp flipped that switch.
