The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm losing it a lot lately. The stress is getting to me. I'm just tired of worrying about everything.
I was upset about my Mom last night, and then my husband called and he was giving me a hard time. My Alanon tools did come in handy, but I still got angry. Who knows maybe I told him some things I needed to get off my chest. He was questioning me about my program. He was telling me that I needed to do more, he said that his side of the street is clean, but mine isn't. He said it is unreasonable for me to expect him to help support the kids at this point in his recovery. Then he went on to say that I wnated to sabatage his recovery, that I wanted to keep full control over this family, did not want him back so I wanted him to fail.
He told me that I didn't write his unemployment appeal, that I did not write the letter to his former employer requesting his job back and telling them that he is 30 days sober. I told him his unemployment appeal is not my responsibility but his, he replied that I write better than him, and I told him it was his unemployment and I would not handle it, nor would I deal with his former boss, that is all his business and not mine. I told him that he should face facts and deal with the truth. Okay, that might be asking alot. But I also told him he might be willing to lie about his sobriety, but I would not do it. He started calling me names and said I wanted him to take a demeaning job to keep him in his place. I told him that demeaning is letting your children do without, and your wife bust her butt, while you live off of your parents. That no job is demeaning, any way you can support your family is admirable.
At this point in the conversation I realized he had been drinking. He was drinking last week as well. He times it for Thursday and Friday nights, so he can pass a urine test when he goes back to group on Monday. I told him I was not going to speak to him when he is drinking, and he got angry. He started the whole you want me to fail nonsence.
I should have just hung up, but instead I vented. I told him that if he wants to pretend to be in recovery that is his business. That if he wants to celebrate 30 days of sobriety while he is still drinking, that is also his business. But I would not celebrate a lie or a scam. I said that apparently he had the people at the rehab scammed, but I know him too well.
I then told him that if the time ever really comes where he is celebrating his recovery, no one will be happier for him than I, but right now the only person who he is fooling is himself. I then hung up on him.
His Father called me a few minutes later. I was going to ignore, but instead I answered. He asked me how long my husband had been drinking. I said I didn't know but I have felt he was on several occasions. I told him I really don't think that accept for detox he ever stopped. He said he had heard all the shouting and gone outside to the garage and realized he was drunk. The man really seemed upset.
He then asked me what happened to the money that my MIL had given my husband for Christmas. I told him I didn't know, that I never saw it and there where no presents. Apparently he used it. He asked me if I thought the rehab was making things worse. I told him I didn't know. I said it is making it easy for him to justify neglecting this family, but he does that anyway. I said I don't know if he is getting anything out of it, but that it was his problem not mine. I said he has to want recovery, not just be going through the motions because he feels trapped. My FIL said he doesn't know what to think. He then asked if I would be around this afternoon, and I said yes. He said he wants to stop over and see if we can come up with a way to make the holidays a little easier on the kids and I. I told him that I would appreciate that.
I don't know what he will suggest. I guess I will find out. At this point, I think anything would be better than the way things have been.
The funny part is that while I lost my temper with my husband, I had so much bottled up in me, it felt good to get it out. He probably won't remember anyway, but I feel a little better.
Well girl, you have picked me up when I was down, I hope I can do the same for you.
I too have been emotionally crazy these last few days. Today I finally feel better. Last night I was serioulsy concerned about my own mental health. I felt SO crazy, literally! I was obsessing about the smallest things, feeling so down about the things that I usually feel so content about, my kids, my husband, the house, my finances...
Then I came onto this board and red someone's gratitude list...
How easy it has been for me to forget everything that I am grateful for!
Then it came to me this morning.
Even tho I have been a nasty person, there are many people who "love me anyways".
If I want to feel better, I need to do the same. I have to, if not, I go completely insane!
Well Jeannie I think you did great and you kept your boundaries you even gained the support of your father-in-law. May be now he has his eyes open and can see what you have had to live with. Good for you to finally get everything out of your system. Take care of yourself for you are very special to all of us here. Luv Leo xx
Sending lots of hugs and best wishes to you. Do we need another "Blame it on Karilynn Day?"
Stay strong, and keep venting. There are many outpatient treatments where the addict can "beat the system". My brother-in-law does it. Tells me he's not ready to be sober, nor ready for it. A secret part of me wishes there was a hotline that one could call to them that they are at it again. But then what good would that do? Besides making us feel better.
Wishing you the best. One day at a time lady.
Live strong, Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
(((Jeannie))) Oh my goodness, I will send you a bunch of wishes for now to hold you over -will think about this one. I need to get going for now. I will add the first thing that comes to mind is although he is your husband, he is in treatment and he's taking " your inventory? " Seems wrong to me (-imo) You have gone above and beyond lately from what I have been reading.
Please go easy -start simple, breathe.... ((lots of hugs)) Tracey
i dont' have anyone "working my inventory" but if i did, i would congratulate him for being "that perfect..completed...finished" with is recovery/ life purpose that he can take all that precious time thinking about ME/ my inventory........really, i would....the last time a family member tried that on me, i did that very thing...only they were not in recovery, but basicaly i said "gee, i take my hat off to you that you are THAT perfect...THAT completed in your life lessons, that you can stop looking at yourself and look at me....must be nice not having ANY issues/problems to deal with...how do you STAND the boredom of perfection??????".......needless to say, they shut up!!!!!!
i too, have been "losing it" lately...stupid, small things, stuff, of course, i am powerless over, happening to pester me/ make me feel helpless/ than the fear/ than the anger over it.........i am hunkering down and doing the following
allowing the feelings..ALL of it......
taking Xtra care of/ nurturing me
sticking to the BASICS of my program , and all other things
doing my GRATITUDE list......AS i be honest with my hp about how i feel/ what i discover about me, being HONEST as like in a step 4 work...........
i know, for me, a lot of it is **expectations** of my HP to do for/ with me, instead of just working my program, having NO expectations out side of myself and what i can do to take care of/ change ME......."keeping it simple" "living and letting live"....."keeping focus on ME".......GRATITUDE list.....honesty about my feelings, etc..........is helping.................peace/ rosie
I too have vented my anger, and wasted my time arguing with someone who was drunk - we are not perfect. Anyway, reading your post, I agree with everything you say, not lying for someone, and especially, no such thing as a demeaning (honest) job.
These time differences drive me mad - well, actually, my inability to work them out drives me mad! Not sure if it still afternoon where you are!
Your father in law sounds like a decent man - who cares about you and the children. He, too, has had the disappointments - the let downs - that alcoholism brings.
I hope, between you, you can find a way to make the holidays happier for you and your children. You deserve it.
Try to do something for you, today, even a little thing like painting your nails or reading a rubbishy magazine!
I am so happy to hear that your father-in-law is concerned for you and his grandkids. Maybe the in-laws are starting to come to new understandings about this horrible disease. I have seen so many changes in your life since I have known you and to me they all seem like things are moving forward, even though it may not seem like it to you now. This is such a horrible disease! Keep on focusing on you. I am sure you will make sure you and the kids have a very nice holiday. Your HP and theirs is looking out for you. You are a very strong woman and I admire you for all the hard work you have done! your friend in recovery, cdb ((((((((Jeannie)))))
