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I just wanted to comment on what you wrote, I too have had the same feelings about my abf, wondering if the whole world (pub...I'm british lol) thought of me ie doormat, bi@*h,stupid etc. I remember a time when i had just had our son and i was breastfeeding, he went out to get a curry takeout because I was STARVING!! and didnt come home until the next day. I felt so hurt letdown and pretty worthless with a precious newborn while he was partying! 4 years down the line and I know alot more about alcholism, I was in denial then.
Like you I worried about what people were thinking....Now I dont care because I am in al-anon, Im trying to work the steps (early days). The freedom it shows me and I strive for in the steps is achievable and I no longer have to worry, concern myself with my abf, my only duty is to our beautiful son and my eldest son from another relationship.
I have to put me first so I can be a better Mum for my kids. Looking back over the years I can see how I emotionally neglected my children as I was always trying to control the abf, I thought I was managing..lol but in fact I was trying to control and if i worried enough about the abf it would be ok.
I feel like I have been asleep and just functioning the last 4 years and now I feel truly awake and open to possibilites, and with the God of my understanding I know I am not alone...so screw anyone who has opinions about my life.
I go to f2f meetings I'm not sure if the group i go to is going to be the one for me, but the al-anon fellowship shares so much love, compassion and hope that I keep going back to that home group for now, theres a part in the CA lit where it says we love you in our own special way, and its so true.
Hope you get to a f2f soon Hugs and love Simone
-- Edited by Zimmy on Wednesday 26th of September 2012 01:40:40 AM
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
So even as is wrote that subj line, the other part of my brain was saying, "who cares". Buuutttt...Heres what I wonder....my ah is out ..at bar, at friends...2_3 and sometimes more, times per week....me, im home taking care of the home and our child. Hes rarely home for dinner, sometimes barely home by sunrise ( ok, thats a slight exaggeration)...but I find myself wondering what the people at the bar think, what his friends think...they all know hes married...many of them know me. I guess I wonder if they think..."she must be awful to live with"...."he must be trying to avoid her".... "she must be a total doormat"...."he must be gaving an affair"...this is stuff that runs through my head when hes out and not home. I have trouble shutting that off...im a worrier...i worry.
I also wonder, what must my child think...her dad misses dinner ALOT....he often sleeps on the couch, mom is alone.....that said, maybe its just her (sad) normal.....maybe im just too obssessed with it all. But, I do worry and wonder....at the same time ....do I REALLY care...im still here afterall....@#&$@!!!! Im so confused sometimes. Im married but I feel and often function as a single mom....it screws with my head.....anyone out there who feels similar ir can set me straight. IVE GOT TO GET TO A F2F.....thanks
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Bettina already gave you the standard 12 step response to worrying about what others think of you. It's a good one too which is why it's a common slogan across all 12 step programs "What other people think of me is none of my business."
In my experience though - the only times I have really gotten to wondering and worrying what others were thinking about me, were times when it was ME that was thinking bad things about MYSELF. That's the real issue. You are sorting through some of your own misgivings and what it means to be in this relationship with an alcoholic. Those are valid feelings and the decisions in front of you are not easy. You will be okay and you will find serenity, peace, and solutions in time through Alanon and as your Higher Power has it planned out for you.
Once you truly have faith in a higher power and the path you are on, you wont doubt yourself so much and you wont feel concerned with what others think of you.
When I am feeling good about myself and what I am doing, the assumptions I make about others (if I make any at all) are much more positive. The whole world is more positive because I'm looking at it through clearer lenses.
I can relate I too many years ago also worried about what others thought about me & my alcoholic. I use to be so ashamed & I made excuses for my AH. The truth is most people actually feel sorry for the spouse & wondered why the AH or AW is being such a jerk when he or she has a beautiful, loving spouse & kids at home. The only people that think the alcoholic is wonderful are the people that drink with them.
Really , you know you are a good person, so don't give it another thought what others think. We who are in the program understand.
Have you read the books "Getting Him Sober" If you haven't I highly recommend that you get them , you can order them on line or maybe a book store near you will have them. My major book store carries them & they are cheaper than on line.
You are soooo perceptive Ocean...you know that those things are what you think and what you think they think and what you think she things...after all its your head. That was a big lesson for me growing up in program and I even got to go test my fears and ask others if they were thinking such and such (what I thought they were) and I was wrong everytime...the world doesn't run by my crazy thinking. Your very last thought...the one about getting to face to face Al-Anon meetings?....now there's a good thought. Let us know how it comes out. Thanks for the trust. ((((hugs))))
Thanks to all of you for your support and sanity. I know I know better than to worry what others think...its a trap I alliw myself to fall into. Im looking fwd to the f2f mtg...i need the persprctive..in my face!!! ;)
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
The attitude, "what they think of me is none of my business," has always been a mystery to me. I CARE what others think, and do my best to present myself as the honest, decent person I am. In my eyes, having him behave like an obnoxious, cursing, lying, ill-behaved animal reflected on me, and I didn't like it. Sooo...I fully understand where you are coming from. SOmetimes I thought people were saying, "She must be as useless as he is since she puts up with his drunkneness." You bet that bothered me. I have lived my whole life bringing honor to myself and my family, so having others think I was down on his level was unacceptable to me.
I dumped that feeling by dumping HIM! Please understand I am not trying to insinuate that you should move on from him. Honestly I don't know what to say to you to help you alleviate those feelings of "worrying." But I want you to know I understand, and my thoughts and hopes are with you. Take care.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
