The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So we're ready to take on the world, at least to take the next step. That's when it hits. Or rather we hit it. The wall.Suddenly the path that looked so clear, so easy, so laid out in front of us disappears. Just a little glitch, we think. We take another run at it. It's still there.Must be me, we think. I'll try a little harder. Get this problem under control. We may mumble a few words to a Higher Power, something about needing help, but essentially we're praying for enough steam to ram into and run through that wall, sometimes chanting the mantra My will be done all the way.I wish I could tell you there is a way to avoid this wall-banging, head-bumping vortex of chaos, but if there is, I haven't found it. It's a dirty dust devil of self-will.Hearing that we're powerless over people, places, and things (such as alcohol and other drugs) and intellectually understanding that concept is one thing. Experiencing powerlessness is another. I didn't surrender to my powerlessness over alcohol and drugs because I wanted to. I surrendered because I had to, because I was worn out, because I couldn't keep going anymore. I went down hard. One morning, a friend called to see whether I had solved a problem I was struggling with. "Yup," I said. "I told God last night that whatever happened was okay with me." I was willing to do whatever God wanted. And I meant it."Oh that," she said gently. "Sweet surrender.""Yeah," I said. "It's sweet . . . now."Surrender. The place that those of us on a spiritual path call home.
#######ROSIE....when i was first in the program, i thought "oh yeah, FINALLY something where the sea is minus the sand bars and ice burgs of hinderence".......NOT!!!! after i was in recovery about 12 months, i too felt i hit the "wall".....like "ok, if i PUSH/ FORCE/ SHOVE more, it will progress".......i did the old "forcing my will" routine on my own recovery instead of "easy does it" "keep it simple"...... NOW??? i take days off.....i took two days off this past week....>NO recovery work.....i decided to "trust in the process" brick walls and all...the good/bad/ BUTT ugly....its all gonna work out anyway, IF i am willing IF i am open, IF i am honest.....and IF i am willing to "release" me from the "fighting and resisting" and just "go with it....COOPERATE.....go WITH instead of AGAINST, the process, the ANYthing i do"......
########knowing WHERE/ WHEN i am powerless helps me know when to RELEASE..........it wasn't until i COMPLETELY accepted my defeat that i was "plyable" enough to be reshaped.......i surrendered to my being powerless over my life in so many ways, cuz i HAD to....its that or wear me out fighting it...........i am learning to just RELEASE me and let the universal energy take over.......this god described in this meditation above i cannot grasp...i think it is all about energy flow......go WITH it or AGAINST it...and reap the results......shit is gonna happen....and i am not going to be in control many times.....i can "roll WITH it" or i can "fight and resist the karma that is STILL going to happen" and it will be WORSE cuz i am "feeding the negative forces" so i say "STARVE the demons, and let GO"......give it NO energy and it drys up on its own nothingness...
########i like to watch water......you watch it drip from the top of something to the bottom......what does it do when it hits something it cannot go through????? it gently goes over, or under, or aside, or it gathers, but it does NOT fight the path....it makes ADJUSTMENTS......i want to be water!! i want to "flow over or around or aside" of something!!! or if i have to i'll just gather.....but either way, i am NOT going to fight it!!!!!! ......
You have such powerful shares! It reminded me of a saying I say in my mind which is "just go with the flow". That is what I learned to do with my panic attacks too. Just let them float through me. I guess I haven't hit my head on a brick wall for quite awhile. Keeping things simple sure seems to help with that one for me. So many alanon tools and sayings have made a huge difference in my life. Ty again for your awesome posts! your friend in recovery, cdb :)
"So we're ready to take on the world, at least to take the next step. That's when it hits. Or rather we hit it. The wall. Suddenly the path that looked so clear, so easy, so laid out in front of us disappears. Just a little glitch, we think. We take another run at it. It's still there. Must be me, we think. I'll try a little harder. Get this problem under control. "
"We may mumble a few words to a Higher Power, something about needing help, but essentially we're praying for enough steam to ram into and run through that wall, sometimes chanting the mantra My will be done all the way."
"Experiencing powerlessness is another. I didn't surrender to my powerlessness over alcohol and drugs because I wanted to. I surrendered because I had to, because I was worn out, because I couldn't keep going anymore. I went down hard. "
"I was willing to do whatever God wanted."
Wow, I have known this experience ~ as I am sure we all have, to have found ourselves in "these rooms" aka this life saving Program. I so relate to what you wrote, as you know, I was in a similar, hopeless dark place as you (RSL). Miraculously God interveined for both of us and gratefully so.
I too was banging my head against the wall ignoring God while screaming at me to pay attention, making things exponentially worse in my life, until I finally surrendered, after another suicide attempt.
But what you wrote about water, made me think in a flash of many things: water off of a duck's back; learning &/or processing by osmosis (fake it 'til u make it or something eventually gets through, if u are willing, open, determined; water does flow, takes any shape, it is the most powerful force on Earth... as a constant drop, flow can break through & shape rock.
It also creates ripples that touches others, makes waves; six inches of flowing water will knock a 200 pound person off of their feet.
I too love the sight & sound of water... unbounded waves crashing at the shoreline, waterfalls, even the simplest trickle, soft rains & huge thunderstorms, thanks for sharing.
Love, K
-- Edited by kitty at 15:03, 2005-12-13
-- Edited by kitty at 18:45, 2005-12-13
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
