The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I do understand "When it is Great it is Great" I did find that when it is not great it gets progressively terrible.
I am so very sorry that you are experiencing this dreadful fear and dread. The disease of alcoholism in a loved one does tend to generate the powerful feelings that you describe in a partner. Alanon face to face meetings are very helpful in addressing this pain and breaking the isolation.
Alcoholism is a Progressive disease that we are powerless over. We who live with this progression also become progressively fearful, angry and resentful. Attending meetings, learning new tools to live by enabled me to learn to Live one Day at a time, not projecting , Focused on taking care of my needs and trusting a Higher .
Please take care of yourself and keep coming back .
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 28th of August 2012 07:35:26 AM
The GOOD STUFF is that you are now seeing the pattern, the high-highs and the low-lows of living with addiction, it was like that for me too.... that is recovery progress! You see that it's a cycle that will come again and again, and you see that you cannot cure it or control it. I did that cycle for 26 years (yep, I was deep in denial and a tough nut to crack.) I finally surrendered because I didn't want to die (yes, I was that hopeless) and went crawling on my hands and knees into the rooms of al-anon, in complete utter defeat. I was screaming in pain by the time I crawled in, having exhausted everything else, self-determination, self-help books, professional counseling, etc. etc.
That was years ago. I learned that he was there for him, and I was there for him.... and there was nobody here for ME, I had become just a shell of a person. By working this program persistently, one day at a time, today my life is so much different. This program taught me how to live life on life's terms. But I can only do that by keeping my recovery first and a top priority, so I gotta keep coming back. Otherwise, my brain is going to do what my brain is going to do, and I will fall back into my old ways of fearful thinking and become paralyzed by fear again.
While I am clearly powerless over the alcoholics in my life, when I embrace my powerlessness, I discover where my real power is....
And you will too. Keep coming back, my friend, there is hope! It gets better and better, one day at a time ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 28th of August 2012 09:06:51 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I keep telling myself, "I should've gone last week, I should've found a meeting!" but the truth is when things are good they're REALLY good and when they're bad I'm too busy picking up the pieces to think twice about what I need to do for myself.
I'm currently with my boyfriend who is an On Again-Off Again recovering A. We have a 5 and 4 year old, and I'm 5 months pregnant. The Alcoholism is whats kept me from marrying him, he's never been capable of being sober more than a few months at a time. We've gone through 4 years of AA, he's had mandatory out-patient rehab, been to jail twice and recently got a DUI going 115 mph. People who don't know that see us as the "perfect family", he's the most loving Dad and sweetheart anyone could ask for...when he's sober.
The most difficult thing of all is that until he decided he needed to be sober, nothing terrible had happened. It started going downhill when he would relapse one night at a time. I've yet to meet anyone or find forums on anyone who's in my situation. We have spent years with the ups and downs, the cycle is typically every two months and I've done everything in my power to prevent the triggers, but it seems hopeless. Once he starts, he doesn't stop until he gets hurt or gets locked up. No one in my life knows about the occurrences but the two of us, I would be scared to let family know because of our children. He's jumped from my moving vehicle going 30mph, jumped off the 5th story of a building, came home throwing down all the furniture, put his fist through walls/windows/vehicles. That's not even the half of it. The morning after he's typically remorseful, tearful and loving as ever. We come up with a plan and I help make it better. Everything seems fine, the kids haven't caught on to any of the terrifying nights. I've scooped them up a handful of times to safety during these relapses. I know they won't dodge the effects for much longer, or I have failed to see what damage is already done.
After years of this I feel like I'm going crazy. The anxiety I have over the possibility of a relapse has stopped me from living. I check in on him every few hours in the day, if I don't get a response I start to feel nervous. If he gets off work later than usual I start to panic. I wouldn't dare take off and leave him alone for the evening because I know it would lead him to drink. I have no freedom.
So tonight, like every other night that he's gone, I'm shaking and scared. My teeth are chattering and I've been shivering for three hours straight. I won't be able to sleep until he's home and I know he's sober because if he's not I have to get away from here as fast as possible. 4 times out of 5, things will be fine...but I'm going crazy.
I need help and don't know what the right thing to do is. When it's good it's great, but the bad keep getting worse.
Our secrets keep us sick. Help can come when you reach out to others and let them know the truth about your life. Alanon meetings are a safe place to start with that. Please know that you and your children deserve to be happy and live in a peaceful environment. The disease of alcoholism has you in its grips when you are scared, feel trapped and hopeless. But that is a lie. There is hope for a better life. But what I've learned is that it was useless to wait around for the alcoholic to make things better, to change. It just wasn't going to happen in my situation. I had to accept reality and reality was - nothing was going to change as long as I stayed and did the same things over and over. Glad you are here. Its a great place with many wise people who have been where you are and have come out the other side.
Welcome. I know how you feel. The ups and downs. I used to worry sick but now I just accept. He is going to do what he is going to do regardless. It's a temperary bandage to a deep deep wound. It's important to when the wound is that big and deep (it has to be cleaned, sewn and tended to). Egg shells are very common here as well. We all feel the stark tension. Waiting for that pin drop, when everything goes haywire. I worried lastnight that my S/O was going to head to the bars (thankfully he didn't but I was surprised). Keep safe, and keep those beautiful babies safe. Hugs,
__________________
"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
so glad you found this site it has been a life line for me.
Al anon meetings are a safe supportive place that we can gain support while living along side this illness. I have learnt so much about alcoholism and its affects on the drinker and the people who love the drinker. Today I can protect myself and my children better. It is hard to put into words what al anon has given me it has been life changing. I can slepp, eat and laugh again, it has helped me so much to parent my children better while in the middle of this madness. My partner has been in AA for 3 years and been sober for 9 months once when he has a slip remove myself and the kids and leave him to it my boundary is I will not be around him when he is actively drinking. There is always hope. He has gone back to AA and is trying again. However this is not my problem my problem is that I have become anxiuos, angrey, nervous, depressed and I need to get better. al anon has helped me to recover.
They say try 6 meetings and see if it is for you if not you can have your misery back , I did not want to be miserable anymore. My children are 16 and 19 now and explain what it has been like for them wish I would have fond this support when they were little.
Thank you all so much, Last night he was drinking, and I could feel it. When he came home well past midnight I was in hysterics. I couldn't stop yelling at his shell standing in front of me, he wasn't even there to hear it. I cried well into the morning and I'm happy to find some hope on here after waking up. I see there are some meetings nearby this evening, I'll find one to attend. I'm shattered and finding a way to let him have his problems without me feels like it would be impossible. I'm scared of the outcome, scared we'll be left with out a home. I've already left with my two little ones, but I have no idea how difficult it will be getting them and a newborn away. I desperately need a plan for us! I'll be checking back often.
I am new to this group and joined because I am going through the same thing. My AH has had two relapses in the past year since going into rehab for drugs and alcohol. Those were short lived. One night of a major drunk and then back to AA, back to what I call normal. Just recently he started drinking again. He told me he was going to mix a drink, just one. One turned into two and these were not small drinks. He just went to bed thankfully, because it honestly turns him into a monster. You never know what will set him off or what he is going to do. Of course I was hoping it would be like the other times, the one night and that be the end of it for a while. But just a couple nights after everyone was in bed he went outside to where he was hiding the bottle and mixed a drink. He thinks I don't know, because I never said anything. On top of that he's using again. I was seeing signs and then found it. I did confront him about that because that is something that could cause some major issues if he's ever caught with it on him when I am with him. He swore he would quit, but I know better. So at this point I am just waiting for the worst to come. I know he can't control it and I also know I cannot control what he does. All I can do is take care of myself and my son look to my higher power to make it through. Not sure what the outcome will be, but I know I need a place for support knowing what's to come if he doesn't quit this time.
Relapsing is one thing. It doesn't sound like he's relapsing right now and having only gotten 2 months at a time, it doesn't sound like he's ever really been sober either. You wrote "We have been through 4 years of AA." I would probably counter that he's been to a few meetings, maybe gotten a sponsor, but has never really worked AA. I wouldn't want you to think AA doesn't work because it does. A person can recover but they have to be willing and wanting it. Right now it sounds like your husband wants to drink. Knowing that, Alanon is there for you to figure out what YOU want to do. You also wrote that it would feel impossible to "let him have his problems." You have no choice. He is going to have his problems regardless of you. You cannot stop him from having problems. Alanon is also there for you to really start accepting this so you are not constantly shattered and upset when nothing you do will make him stop drinking.
