The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm fairly new here and with family visiting for the month haven't had much time to log on. I really need to vent right now. Last August I left my home in MA to move to FL with my A. It was going to be fresh start for both of us. Driving down from MA he got a DUI in NC. He had to appear in court on Tuesday so he left on Monday (10 hr drive) Lucky for him he was found not guilty after spending the entire day in court. He called me from a hotel in SC and said he was exhausted and would be spending the night. That was on Tues. nite and here it is Sat. am and he still isn't home. He's been drinking round the clock but did manage to stop long enough to sober up and drive down to GA. He got there yesterday afternoon and was drinking again. In the meantime we bought a house and are scheduled to move in on Thursday. So far I've done all the packing and some moving of small items on my own. I don't know what I was thinking buying this house with him. I know that was a BIG mistake. I'm sitting here not knowing what to do. I want to go back to New England but can't now that we've bought this house. We've been married for 31 years and the first 12 years were great but it's been a rollercoaster since then. The man lies and sneaks all the time and I just can't trust him or believe him. I just can't see being married to someone I cannot trust but I am so afraid of leaving at the same time. I keep praying to my HP and saying the Serenity prayer. I don't want to do anything in haste but have had many years to think about this and the last 5 years have been the worse.
One thing I have found which helps us best is looking squarely at reality. Instead of letting ourselves be lulled into "It'll be different in another town, with new friends" or "It will be different at another job" or any of the other hopeful lies we tell ourselves, we need to accept - this is what he is. Then we can go about deciding what to do for ourselves.
For some of us, using alanon principles makes it possible for us to continue to live with the A, and be reasonably happy. For others, alanon gives us strength to get out of a hopeless situation.
I hope you can get to face to face meetings, and continue coming here. There really is hope of a better tomorrow - a better today, in fact.
Since my divorce 3 weeks ago, I have found myself being mad at my a-husband for NOT moving me to a fresh start. Realistically, the story probably would have sounded like the one you just told us.
I watched my parents divorce, my dad struggled with alcoholism. He quickly remarried and moved away--to a fresh start. Through that marriage, up to the time of his death, he struggled with alcoholism and got DWIs.
Whatever the outcome is for you, at least you can know that you TRIED to help him start over. I TRIED to get mine to start over, he just would not. I am new to this website, but no stranger to the disease. It is nice to find a place to share these things, having faced a lifetime of this kind of thing with no one to talk to about it. Let me know how it goes. Really. Sherry
I have been married almost 32 years to a sober A (22 years sober but not without other addictions). By far this last year has been the most difficult of our married life including when he was an active drinker. We made geographic moves when he levelled out in jobs and wouldn't face his issues. I would give up homes and jobs and friends to follow him. That's how they cope by changing situations. They don't seem to have any other life skills. This last time he moved out because he wasn't happy in this relationship. So we just have to have a plan for our own happiness. I hear you.
Do not be hard on yourself. WE do the best we can at that time with what we have. WE need to be kind to ouselves. I like the not doing anything in haste. What's the hurry anyway after 31 years? WE are over 27 here and I still am considering living by myself. In the meantime if we work on us and make us better, we have a better chance of not getting into a similiar relationship in the future. The new house may give you an investment on your money. Try to think positive. Take babysteps and keep things simple. Work on you and all will eventually fall into place for you and for what your HP/higher power wants for you in your life. I believe we work as a team with our HPs. HP has his own timing in my life. Keep coming back and working on you! Things will get better. cdb :)
