The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a picture of a narcissus flower hanging in my apartment.
It has been there since I moved into my own apartment in July after leaving my alcoholic husband of 14 years in May.
It is there to remind me that I live here, apart from my emotionally abusive A to take care of myself.
I hit my bottom. I found alanon and I grew strength.
I learned that I mattered and found I could no longer live if I ate to cope, gained weight, got high blood pressure and downed 4 sleeping pills a night to sleep while my A tried to wake me with loud TV’s and lights in my eyes.
I broke
I had it.
I left.
I am taking care of me.
But, old habits die hard.
Yesterday a co-worker on my team (I am project manager) was whining about how he needed a snow blower in his new home. How we would be traveling heavily January – April and his 19 year old daughter needed the snowblower on and on.
FINALLY after 20 minutes of this he asked me after work to follow him to home depot where he would buy this $1000 snowblower and haul it to his house. (I have a pickup truck)
Thursdays are special for me. I have dinner with my best friend and we go to an alanon meeting together. This is very important to me.
I explain to the co-worker that I have plans.
Then the people pleaser in me says, if we leave work at 3 then I can help you. Work is slow for me but he seems busy.
Now I am committed.
I leave early (boss is out) and follow co-worker to Home depot.
I get 4 phone calls while there and leave him be
The last call is from him hey where are you?
Still here dope, I’ve got a life too, but of course that speech is only in my head
He buys the snowblower, I help him lift it to my truck and then follow him to his house.
I help him unload the snowblower.
He invites me in and I decline.
I start to my place to get changed, 20 minutes behind schedule. The traffic is brutal and I end up 30 minutes late for dinner.
And the co-worker is smug at home with his new snowblower.
He does this kind of manipulation to the women in my office all the time, any thoughts???
MY NEEDS MATTER! I need to tell myself this every day. I have so much more to learn from this program.
Thanks for listening
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I do this also - I am really working on only doing favours for people if I really don't mind. A favour carried out in resentment doesn't count towards my life long sum total of good works, anyway! My ettiquette book has a suggestion for this type of situation. You say, with a smile, "No, I'm sorry, I can't" . When asked again, you say it again - same tone of voice, same smile, same words. Don't give excuses, don't lie or apologize, or anything. Just same words, same tone, same smile. When he says "Why not?" you say "Because I can't". If he has any manners at all, even just vestiges of them, eventually it will sink in that he is doing something inappropriate. If he doesn't it will still make him realize that he isn't making any progress,and he will move on to easier prey. This isn't as hard to do as it sounds - I've tried it, and it really does work, and quite quickly too.
I love having the reminder hanging there of your freedom and growth.
As far as being a doormat, you can get up off the floor and walk away. Of course that is easier said than done and your post and lin's reply only serve to remind me of that. Because I'm the same way.
I can see myself doing exactly the same thing you did. and I loved the comment about a good deed done in resentment doesn't count. That was kinda painful to my psyche....so it's obviously something I have to look at.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I do this kind of thing time and again Megan. It is because we are kind and caring people, and then we become angry at ourselves for ending up being controlled. Yep, it's all too familiar. I will admit I am getting a bit better...not much, but a teensy bit. From now on I will refer to it as the "Snow Blower Syndrome." LOL!!!
Take good care, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
(((( Megan )))) You have given me some of the most simple, eloquent advice... sorry your super Thursday plans got kinked.
I guess, 'cause I have always been SO co-dep & involved with my mom - other people, I used my teeth on, saying "no, I'm sorry" in a chipper & empathetic voice has always worked for me.
I was taught the same thing... say as little as possible, I only tell ppl that I care about what I'm doing - I personally don't want to hear a bunch of details or excuses, if the answer is "no".
Boy, I sure hate hearing that word myself, I will go on to find a 'yes' just like Lin said, it works petty fast. I worked in the Beauty Industry for 17 years (since I was 16) so I learned early on, a pleasant sweet tone of voice, of course a made-up face as 'beauty is power' - whenever I have something serious to do or have to deliver bad news it just sounds less harsh or more palatable coming from a pretty face, pretty voice - might seem really corny but it works.
What's that Military saying... don't ask don't tell - no details, "oh, I wish I could help."
Besides asking you at the last minute, like that, not like 'tomorrow or next Tuesday' was pretty rude on his part.
Trying hard to be a 'good person' - no good deed goes unpunished, so it seems, especially in a larger group, I am on the HOA at my condo's - someone always complains, even when you make improvements... guess change is just hard for some ppl -- fresh paint, new trees - just makes some insane!
Think of the Nike slogan, "just do it!" - Megan, 'just say no!' It gets easier & you'll learn the happiness, saying "no" can bring!
love ya, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Yes I can pick myself up as the doormat and brush myself off. I have done it before and can do it again J and when I do then I will feel better about myself.
The “snowblower syndrome” brought a smile to me…I will remember it when imposed on J
I like the “No, I’m sorry in a chipper way. Even saying that with a smile – I will need to practice this, but that is certainly a good tool J
JUST SAY NO!!!! Great motto!
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Reading your post reminded me of ME. It took a domestic violence incident/incarceration/restraining order to get him out of the house last February. Then in April I moved into my own place, me and the kids.
I realized after reading some of the posts here that, since I got into my own place, I don't think I have had the first suicidal thought. I have been very busy juggling the bills, making sure I make the most of my grocery money, making sure the kids have what they need. My focus changed from 'poor pitiful me' to making a pleasant and comfortable life for the kids. What a milestone for me.
I guess helping those that I CAN help is the secret. Do you suppose?
I still have very deep feelings for my ex-husband. I don't pretend--I REALLY DO dream about getting back together with him and everything being normal. But I also know the chances are slim.
But now he looks at me differently. He speaks to me differently. I guess time will tell. My biggest fear is reliving those 10 years of hell with him. And I try not to ask myself WHY it turned out like this.
>>>>>>>>>"No, I'm sorry, I can't" . When asked again, you say it again - same tone of voice, same smile, same words. Don't give excuses, don't lie or apologize, or anything. Just same words, same tone, same smile. When he says "Why not?" you say "Because I can't".
ROSIE>>>>>>>>>>>i LOVE this and i do it too!!! ....there are times when i just say "NO"......the word "NO" is sometimes a one word sentence......i used to think i had to give an EXCUSE as to WHY i need to take care of me.....now???? i just say "nope, sorry i can't"...and stick to it, as i walk away if they persist.......i learned in this program......don't do anything unless you REALLY REALLY REALLY want to do it, otherwise their lack of "thank you's" or any appreciation would be resented.....i do'nt do stuff unless i REALLY want to "give it away, and not look back"......othrwise??? i say very nicely and calmly that " sorry i can't".......now if it is someone REAL close to me and they are there for me??? of course i will do a hell of a lot more...but the "not so close" relationships???? i don't owe them my resentment................good share, rosie
wow, megan, i can really relate. i have always had a problem saying "no"..especially to coworkers. i tend to pick up the slack alot and then i'm resentful later. guess what i should do is remind myself that i don't have to do everything. so like bob said, when these things happen, pick yourself up and dust yourself off and maybe next time say whatcha mean, mean whatcha say and not say it mean. i've done it before where i spoke up to a coworker and let him know how is non action at work affected me and he has been very conscientious (sp?) since. i'm sure hp will give us more opportunities to practice the non doormat behavior :)
"Snowblower Syndrome" - lol - I love it! I too have been a chronic sufferer of this disease but am very pleased to report it is not a terminal disease! I believe it is one of thoses diseases that is very controllable, if not curable, with work and commitment.
I, naturally, am one of those people who is a "carer" or "giver" but especially since I separated from my A I have learnt that my family and myself must come first and now, always will.
Example from yesterday: I got a call from work, that someone couldn't find an urn. The call came right at dinner time, in the past, I would have put my meal in the microwave and raced down to help immediately. Not now, the urn is not needed until tonight so I assured the caller that I would sort it out today. And it was not painful at all!
There is always the risk of a slip back but now I am in remission.
