The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, My name is Nick. Im from Tempe AZ. heres my story..
I met my girlfriend about two years ago and fell head over heels for her. We started dating and I discovered she was using pain meds daily. I was drinking and I would do the pills with her for about three months. The time came for me to drop the pill thing and try to get us to quit, together.. She said she was done so I had no issue. We both went through withdrawal or so I thought.. On a side note, I would see her texting her ex boyfriend alot. I would tell her its either me or the highway and she would get really defensive about the topic. Saying she either wasnt talking to him or he was just texing her. I knew she was lying because I would see the messages with my own two eyes. anyhow, She said she quit and soon i would find her not answering calls or texts. Virtually disappearing for days on end. Lying about absolutely everything! her job, where she was, who she was with so on.. I finally had enough and got her mother involved. We took a trip to her apartment to find her locked inside. Mom unlocked the door to see she was using Heroin.. BIIIIGGGG SURPRISE!! blew my mind. I have never even seen the stuff and to find out that the women I loved was doing this under my nose for months really hit me hard! We sat her down and tried to get her into rehab. She claimed she was going to stop and didnt need help.. Typical addict talk.. I knew she wouldnt get help until she was fully ready. but in my mind, her rock bottom would be death... scared me.. so we went on. things were fine for a while . then the disappearing act showed up again.. this time for weeks at a time. got to the point to where she would only contact me if she needed something. Broke my heart. I loved this girl more than anything and didnt know what to do but to walk away and not involve myself in her reckoning.. I went 2 months without speaking or hearing from her. I found out she was seeing one of her ex's during half of our relationship.. after we split, she soon was kicked out of her house. Found out she was working for her dealer for quite a while when she told me she worked somewhere completely different. again, Blew my mind how many lies were flying past me.. about three months ago, I received an email from her. Long and dragging. about how much she loved me and was sorry for hurting me. I worked up the nerve to see her and talk to her. She looked horrible. About 95lbs. looking deathly sick.. I begged her to seek help. She finally took it upon herself and contacted a local womens rehab. I got her mother involved and the ball was rolling. She had nothing to worry about but just getting clean.
So here iam, Three months have pasted and she is doing AMAZING!!!! in a four month inpatient program, she loves it! She has gained the trust of the facility and has gained some really good responsibilities on campus. She is taking this and running with it. Iam very very proud of her and love her very much. We are officially back together and are working on things over the phone and seeing eachother everyother week. Im just wanting her to focus on her recovery then when she graduates we can work on us. Heres the catch, Ive been to a few Al anon meetings and think they really help with a few issues. My fear is her Cheating on me again and or just lying in general. She has come to terms with almost everything she has done but still hold things in. I know she is still working through her own demons and maybe isnt ready to confront those parts of the past but how can I know that this was a Drug related thing.. The cheating and lying.. Freaks me out that for my whole life I have never worried about these things and now its all i worry about. I love her with every piece of my heart , just need help...
Sorry for the essay. Any tips? I feel that I can gain trust in her, I just need tips on how to start.
I'm not an expert. Just a soon to be ex wife of 12 years to a alcoholic, prescription pill addict that recently morphed into a Chrystal meth addict. He is not in recovery and I have no contact with him. But I know about the lying, dissapearing and cheating that you went through. And while it's great that your gf is Ina recovery program and not using right now, I do think that the withholding of information that you seek is a problem. I don't think it's true all out recovery until the addict can lay all the cards out on the table for you. Answer your questions honestly and humbly. That's what we all want right? I want that. But I'm trying to accept that I may never get that and I have to live my life no matter what someone else does or does not do. I don't know if the cheating would have happened without the drugs. But the fact that she did drugs says she was looking outside of herself for something to make her feel good. That's what cheating is also. It's not really about the other person, it's about how that person makes them feel. And some people can't feel good about themselves without that rush of adrenaline that comes from knowing that someone else wants them, or two people want them. That's even better. It shows a great lack of self esteem and a lack of respect for others. So until she is honest about the cheating and you feel she is truly sorry I would be wary. People get their "fixes" from many different sources. Take care of yourself. Try not to let your happiness or unhappiness lay in someone else's hands. I know this is hard. Sending support~ Greenergrass
You sound like such a nice guy . Im glad your girlfriend is in recovery.
Glad you reached out to this board, we have all walked your path, whether its heroin, alcohol, pills, etc . its all the same. Was with my addicted husband for over 26 years.
All I can say is that it is a long road to recovery and a lifetime disease.
At alanon the focus is on YOU and your recovery from being affected by an addict and the disease of addiction.
The best thing you can do for you and her is to step back. Get an education about the disease of addiction and Alanon will help you with that. See if there are face to face Alanon or Narcanon meetings in your area. I think there are more Alanon meetings. There for the spouses, family members and anyone affected by an addict. We cant help who we love and we never know how long it will take the addict to be recovered, they are never cured.
Keep coming back and learn more. I wish you the best. Hugs, Bettina
Thank you so much! I feel the urge to support her through this. This isnt only her recovery, I lived it with her and need to see it through. She is the only person that I have connected to on many other levels. I think she has a strong grasp on her recovery for such the short time she has been sober. I do agree with the fact that if she cant confront the lies that she will never earn my trust. But, This is all still new. I trust in myself to make to right choice if things do not pan out. Just scared to lose someone I invested so much love into. Im sure you all know what i mean. like a counter weight, one side heavier than the other. I have been to a few al anon meetings and havent found one for me yet. I need one with men i think, and havent found many with men. Ill keep looking and praying that things will work out. This is tough.... I think shes worth it though! thank you sooo much for your tips. I will keep writing on here with updates Nick
It is only her recovery. The best you can do is to focus on you and making yourself strong, confident, independent - so that if things go south, you have a support network and coping skills that you learned through alanon. I get that this has been a tumultuous relationship and some of the things you are saying sound romantic. It's hard to not confuse romance with losing yourself in a relationship.
When you say you are "scared to lose someone you invested so much love into" it makes her sound like a project or like you are losing a part of you. Alanon for you and NA/AA (both...whichever) will have you focusing on being a whole person and her being a whole person and then coming together to be a better couple. Two half people do not make a whole. Two whole people do make a couple.
It says a lot about the strength of your character that you stuck by her in this - but if she is going to have a good recovery, it might help to step out of the rescuer role. Look forward to hearing more from you Nick. It's not an easy position you are in. Praying for both of you.
