The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am sitting by the fire going over in my mind my conversation with my A tonight. I was going to prepare myself before he called but he called earlier than expected. I thought I should seek guidance from my HP on what to say and then we wouldn't end up fighting or yelling. At least now I am gaining some awareness of how subtle and consuming the disease of alcoholism is. It really doesn't matter what I say. He is selfish and self serving and arrogant and I just jump right in there. He says that he doesn't want a marital relationship with me. He says that he wants to do what he wants when he wants. I say that as long as we are legally married I expect some sort of martial relationship. He said that he would come and help me with the wood and chores this weekend. I said why, because he would just leave again. He said that he knows that he screwed me over by moving out and that he feels guilty about it. So if he helps me out now and then, then that lessens his guilt. Boy, do I feel like a pawn in my own life.
My awareness through attending f2f meetings and posting online is that I do need to focus on myself. I need a plan A and a plan B. I need to find out what I want out of life. I also need to open that path to my HP. I am powerless over alcoholism. Thanks for letting me think out loud.
In prayer, I have discovered the more aware I am, the more awareness I have. Being open & willing, God has shown me more. I used to feel like God was laughing at me but now I feel like I'm being let in on some of the jokes, which is a neat feeling.
But the same thing happened here, my step-father - the aalb (alcoholic adulterous lying bastard) - he won't leave, won't stop lying, won't stop drinking or cheatting.
I had a hard time stopping thinking about him but once I did, the pain lessened.
There are so many techniques you can use too, if you want God to help you at any time, even in the middle of a fight, just say God, help or give me words... it helps, I find HP always willing to help.
My ESH... all I know is, none of us deserve to be abused & we are capable of doing a lot on our own. I felt like my (ex) addict - was a dead weight. My dad, since my mom told him, "I love you no matter what, drink if you want to" has been a lot happier & more helpful.
However he IS locked out of the house, living in the efficiency apartment (about 300 sq ft) that 2 years ago, was my room - now he has to call & ask permission to come in the house for anything.
"He is selfish and self serving and arrogant and I just jump right in there. "
Well, u got that right! The A's are that & when I first found this place 7-25th, that's what everyone told me, even in recovery, they have so much to work through, they aren't thinking about you, they have too much on their plate. My mom's A sd that to her a month or 2 ago, "I don't even know if I want to stay married" he said a few things that "did it for me" & that was one of them!
They can be some of the most selfish, self-righteous jerks, I have ever known. Think of you, consider your needs, be kind & gentle to yourself, you are what's important... that was the hardest thing for me to realize but it's true, the A's put themselves first. God help's those that help themselves. If we don't love ourelves & consider us the most valuable & cherished ppl, why would anyone else?
in love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I was gonna say (I talk so much, I forget) I am very confrontational & it takes little to hook me into an argument.
I started reading Zen @ 15, when I was hunting for spirituality... I started reading the philosophy of Aikido when I was 18, because it teaches about EVASION & I wanted to learn to control myself, to not be engaged verbally or otherwise. I have read a lot of Aikido boks over the years, maybe you would like the concepts as well.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
