The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I committed to God that I would not run away from my marraige. I promised him that I would follow what I beleive he has guided me to do. I shall ask for strength, guidance, and patience to make it through each progression of the disease.
I beleive with all my heart that God has a great plan for my marraige, that the future is bright. I also beleive that God won't let me down. If I ask, he will give me the tools I need to make it through...
He helped me again last night, and i didn't realize that I have auto-pilot now...
My husband was expected to come home at a certain time, I was so excited to see him. He had phoned earler in the day to let me know what he was up to (we had fought about that last weekend) and I was estatic about his attempt to communicate.
For this, I downloaded Stevie Nicks Leather and Lace and memorized all the words in anticipation for his return. (his new favorite song)
He came home, with his damn friend again, who I asked him NOT to bring home when the kids are sleeping!
they were both drunk again!
Well, my boundaries were crossed. I instinctively got mad. Now looking back, I went into auto pilot. I asked God to give me guidance, strength, and to keep me sane. I asked my husband to send his friend home, that I could not accept this for the third time this week. He would not.
I told my husband, "fine. I will have to." His friend is not welcome to sleep on the couch, it is not acceptable to bring friends home drunk at 1:30 in the morning, and his dog is not welcome either. Hubby started to freak cause friend was drunk, he couldn't drive. Sorry, not my problem. I do not feel responsible for this person's safety. I did not provide him with the alcohol, besides, he drove to my house
I told the friend to leave. I said right out "I am sorry D..., but you can't stay here tonight." And he left.
Hubby got REALLY mad, but I felt so calm. I told him that I am not going to let the disease make me uncomfortable in my own home. I said that I know he loves me, and sometimes he can't do what is right, cause he can't offend his friends, but not to worry, cause I can be the BITCH. I said I am not going to let the disease win tonight.
I asked him to come to bed, he said no, wanting to fight. (of course )
Calmly, I said, looking right into his eyes "honey, I love you anyways", and went to bed.
I then proceeded to have a heart to heart with God. I tell you, I wanted to fight BIG TIME! I wanted to teach that bastard a lesson, make him feel what I feel, but I felt an overwhelming sense of urgency to stay in my bedroom, with the door closed, and to back out, cause God has some work to do.
He slept on the couch.
I don't hate him...so weird. I kinda want to "punish" him, but I do feel some peace, knowing that I don't have to punish him. It seems so clear to me to just back off. Not my business. Let GO and Let God, Thy Will, not Mine Be Done...
Anyways, wanted to post my courage, cause I can't keep it if I don't give it away.
I'd be curious to know if he wakes up remorseful in the morning. In reading your story I was just thinking of my A and how he tends to want to start a fight when he knows he is the one in the wrong. If I act as you did, staying calm and matter of fact, detaching with love, then he ends up just going to sleep. Sometimes, not always mind you lol, he will apologize the next day. I think their own guilt is punishment enough. Sometimes I even feel sorry for him, I think how awful it must be to still be a slave to the disease, ya know?
Thanks for sharing your story. Love hearing how program tools really help!
Luv ya! Kis
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
"Calmly, I said, looking right into his eyes "honey, I love you anyways", and went to bed."
Aron, excellent way to stick to your boundaires, that must have really stunned him. I don't blame you with kids in the house, they really lose their judgement, it's amazing how exponentially it gets as they progress along.
He must have heard you, I'm sure you shocked him, way to stay calm & praying. My therapist has told me the same things about forgiveness & anger that being that way just keeps HP from doing the work of the Divine Plan.
From the book Beyond the Influence my mother read & used the same technique the other week with my step-father. We knew he wasn't going to mtgs & it seemed pretty obvious by his resentfulness he was drinking again.
She just gave him a big hug & sd, "I love you no matter what, if you want or need to drink to be yourself, I don't want you to hide, just be safe & drink her if you want." (He's locked out of the house for 6-7 weeks now & living in the pool-house). She said he looked completely stunned.
You rock on! Thanks for sharing, love, -K
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hi Aron- that progressive part of the disease is what scares me too. I can handle what I have on my plate today---but I am scared about the future days. Good for you for holding down onto your boundaries. I would have told my husband to leave with his friend! thanks for sharing your challenges and successes! It is nice to see you holding onto your serenity despite his continued active use. Jeanne
__________________
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Wow, this post is really powerful Aron, and brings out many emotions for me.... Part of me wants to say how well you are doing in your program, how wonderful your faith in God is, and how I admire your courage and commitment to your beliefs. The other part of me wants to question whether this is really the best path, is this "really" what God intends for us, and is there not an element of us 'enabling' if we are patiently loving them throughout their drunkeness?? (i.e. are we holding them accountable enough for their decisions?)
I continue to be amazed by the "fine line" that we ALL walk, when it comes to these issues.... The line between accepting, condoning, and perhaps even enabling, can be so murky sometimes (and I'm sure I don't know the answer of where exactly this line is for you, me, or anyone else!!). The line between 'detachment with love' and 'protecting ourselves' and even 'no longer caring' is also a tough one, and likely a moving target, to some extent.
Good food for thought posting...
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The other part of me wants to question whether this is really the best path, is this "really" what God intends for us, and is there not an element of us 'enabling' if we are patiently loving them throughout their drunkeness?? (i.e. are we holding them accountable enough for their decisions?)
WHo am I to make that judgement? I am not his mother, nor his keeper, and I can certainly not play God. Step 11 says "pray for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out"
That is what I have done. The freedom is priceless. with letting go comes serenity. with serenity comes acceptance. Besides, I can always change my mind... I AM a woman afterall....LOL
I think you did a great thing!! You go girl!! It takes alot of courage to do what you did.. It was an inspiration to me! I wouldn't have had the courage to do that.. But I would like to get to that point soon.. I need to set some strong boundaries for myself..
I said I am not going to let the disease win tonight.
Aron 
Thanks for sharing, love, -K 
I wouldn't have had the courage to do that.. But I would like to get to that point soon.. I need to set some strong boundaries for myself..