The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In some ways what is currently happening in my life is a blessing. I lived my life as such a good girl, so innocent at times and believing in the good in all people. I went to a Christian HS and didnt really have my eyes open to the world of drugs and alcohol. I didnt have my first drink until I was in college and I can count the number of times I have smoked pot. Although I come from my own family with dysfuntions - they dont drink, noone smokes and noone has ever had a drug problem. Falling in love with a man who has an addiction opened my eyes to a world that exists all around me that I never bothered to look at before.
In the last month I have heard all of the stories here - found out friends of mine had siblings, ex's, parents, children - etc that have addictions. Heard the pain, sadness, frustration, and destruction that they inflict on the people who love them. See all their loved ones hold on to their unconditional love for their A's no matter how they may talk to them, ignore them, hurt them, disappoint them, etc. How children of the A's are affected by their actions and how families fall apart.
My parents fight all the time - I know they love each other and I know they dont do anything to harm one another. But I always thought that other families had it so much better than I did. I thought everyone elses families were great at communicating, loved each other more outwardly than mine, had the good life. I really was ignorant to the real world. I thought alcoholism and drugs were easily overcome - you just stop. I didnt realize how much of a problem it was.
I am more aware of the world around me lately - I see families together and I wonder if they are hiding the secret of an addiction behind their smiles; I sat in CVS waiting for my prescription and saw the huge bottles of Oxycodone, Hydrocodone and Codeine - and they were the biggest bottles in the place; I saw a parent of a former swimmer of mine walking into a liquor store and remembered him coming in to pick his daughter up from practice reeking of vodka every night; I thought of all the people who had gotten divorces and wondered if when I was thinking why they couldnt work it out - if addiction was the reason; For some reason all those commercials about talking to your kids about drugs strikes a chord now.
I am forever changed by this. My eyes are opened and I am sadened by a world that is not what I ever thought it was. I am learning more and more each day....
I think we are all learning and it can be seen as a blessing. I am a bit sorry that I am learning so late. I think to myself that had I known the hell this family would go through, would I marry my husband all over again? I have my beautiful daughter and we have certainly, and still do, have wonderful times. Some days I am so full of love for him that my chest swells. I believe that I would. I think that I would have done things slightly different to protect things like our finances and such. What an awful way to live, without trust. I keep praying that I get the lessons the first time around so that my HP doesn't feel the need to keep sending me the message until I get it.
But take solace that here you can find people that are able to sucessfully live their lives and find happiness within their selves. It's a hard lesson and I think all of us went thru some levle of pain to experience it.
In one hand it is sad to see that how many people addictions affect when you come to Alanon. That it affects others all over the world.
I will say this though. Pre Alanon, I didn't know this much unconditional love exhisted on this planet. I'm touched by those I've met here and f2f. Just think, that kid whos swim lesson you gave, who's dad wreaked of alcohol..... your swimming lessons may have been her escape to normalcy and childhood for the time it took for the lesson.
You have a chance to make an impact on youth, doing something you enjoy, and managing to sustain your livelihood doing it. That's such a positive part of a total model for living. You are part of the word, that you saw through those rose colored glasses. Your not part of that part that you've recently been exposed to. Your vision has been shattered but it seems you've made a choice where to land.
I'm glad you found us Cyn, and amazed at how you hit the ground running.
Bob
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I don't think I can say anthing as well as Bob said it.
Keep looking at and for the good in this world... you are part of it.
Best of luck with you swimming business... and remember that you may helping some child deal with his/her situation in life through your gift of swimming.
You have come amazingly far in such a short time. Keep on coming back.
i like you have led a very sheltered life compared to what i experienced in the last few months. nobody in my family or relatives have ever had to deal with drink or drug addictions. i would be the one to attract a guy who had all the problems rolled into one! typical!
i was sooo naive and well.. stpid really to think that life was like it was in fairytales. when i used to read my books when i was younger i always believed life was like that... you grow up, fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after... no one tells you that you can get your heart ripped out of you time and time again..and your whole world can turn upside down and its impossible to find your way back from that. when i realised this was the case... i can tell you... reality hit me hard!
cyn.. i wish you the best of luck in your business and in your personal life...whatever path you choose to follow you always have us here..never forget that!
