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Hi everybody. I haven't posted in a couple of weeks, but I have gone to a couple of f2f meetings. I've been feeling and doing pretty well. My a has been doing well. I think I was scared last time I posted because he was suppose to come by with his check and didn't show up -so I just knew he had gone and messed up. WEll he hadn't--which was so wonderful, but I just cried on his shoulders anyway, because I was just so scared I had made myself sick--
Anyway today is again Friday. He started telling me he needed part of his paycheck to go get something out of the pawn shop from his last slip. My heart just dropped to my ankles. Yes he has been good for the past couple of weeks--he's been going to lots of meetings--sometimes 2 day, but I still hate the thought of him having money--and I know even if he doesn't have cash he can find the money (you have to love pawn shops). I just get so tired of having knots in my stomach. I know I have no control--I really have accepted that step 1, but I guess I really fail on step 2--letting the HP take care of it all.
He saw my face drop and I wasn't good and covering the fact that I just didn't want him to have money. I'm afraid I made him feel bad--which he could use as an excuse to use. He didn't really seem to get mad at me though. He reminded to al-anon things I should say like-remember it's not my fault, you made your own self sick. He did seem to handle it well, but I still feel like I handled things wrong this morning.
I was just thinking about buying him a skill saw from Christmas, but then I worry--that just gives him one ore thing to pawn. I hate this disease!!!
When I do that same thing I have to remind myself that I am focusing on my A and not on me. I repeat the phrase "Let Go and Let God" and now I have learned when I say that I have to include the thought that I trust my HP to do what is the best for me and to do what is best for my A. At first I would just say the phrase now I am believing it. Hang in there, it is hard after living and believing a certain way, to have learned behaviors, to un-learn all that, learn new things and then to place them into our everyday life.
Dawn, the hardest thing for me is to think they way the A does. Some of the things they do would never, ever occur to me. They become desperate when they are drinking. To "understand" alcoholism is impossible. So I just keep rolling along. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I can so sympathize with what you are going through. My husband verbalizes an understanding that it will take time to build trust back up, but feels so hurt when I get that same fearful look on my face. I, too, dread my husband having money in his pocket, but realized that by holding onto the money I am trying t control him and his addiction. I can't control if I truly want to let go. What I have come up with is taking all of the bill money out so I am not foolish enough to let the bill money go...again. What is left he will either ask me to hold for him or he will do with it what he wants, but my bills are paid. This past year, my husband, pawned our brand new riding lawn mower i bought him. We have had things pawned in the past, but only his things (regardless of who paid for them). I left him for one month and was so disappointed when I came home a few weeks ago. He sold our brand new washer, dryer, fridge and a brand new living room set I just bought in March. This house doesn't even feel like a home anymore. All of our nice things are gone and there are holes in the walls where he took out his anger when I left him. He admitted he lied to me just to get me to come back home. I realized that the next time I leave (if there is one) it will be for good.
He's slipped since I've been home this past month, but realized I am not going to wait ive more years to get away. I think he's trying hard to do well, but today he had to go pick his pay check up and yes, I had butterflies in my stomach and will count the minutes until he gets home. I will probably call him a few times to see what he is doing and will count the money as soon as he walks in the door. I have even started spending every penny on payday and causing us to do without until the next week, just so I don't have to worry about him using part of it on drugs. you're right, he's going to use whether he has money or not. This is definately a tough thing to deal with.
Wether we accept something or not. We cannot change our feelings, we can't even choose not to feel them. If we say wre won't we are just lying to ourselves.
We can choose what comes out of our mouths, but our thoughts and feelings sometimes just pop up.
I have never had a poker face. what I am feeling is always on my face. I used to think I could fool the world with a smile, but my friends have often said they can tell when I am just putting on a smile as it does not go to my eyes.
As unobservant as my husband can be. I could walk out of the room, change my clothes, and he would never even notice. He sees the most fleeting expression go across my face, gets defensive and will ask what "that look", was for. Often I am not even aware there was a look, just a thought in my mind.
Focus on the good things you are doing, and the progress you have made. Don't focus on the slips you may have made or may not have been able to even control.
Even without money, if he wants to get drunk, he will. Somebody will buy him drinks, if necessary he will steal, or drink mouthwash. I know this sounds horrible, but in a way, it's very freeing - you really CAN'T control it. It's like the weather - you may not like it when it's forty below, but you don't torture yourself by wondering what you could have done to prevent it. Same with your A - you are not powerful enough to make him drink. Even if (when) he really sobers up, there will still be bars on every corner. He can slip at any time, and the strength not to has to come from inside him, and from his relationship with his higher power. YOU are not his higher power.
When my husband first came home from rehab, he had a three week wait until he could enter his threatment program. Halfway into this wait, his best friend who now lives in another city came to town for the day, called up and asked to meet. My husband agreed to meet him at the bar. He could see from my face how I felt about that - he had been dry for about two weeks at this time - and said something like "I'll have to do it some time - I feel pretty strong today. Don't worry" and off he went. I spent most of the time he was gone throwing up, I just couldn't stand the tension He came home after about an hour - he'd had a ginger ale and a talk with his friend, and that's it. Eventually I had to realize that unless I kept him chained to the basement wall, he would have to out into the world, and learn to face the temptation that is everywhere. He'll be leaving soon for his winter projects - up in Northern bush camps. Not much liquor there, except what the guys smuggle in, but these places are rife with crack and chrystal meth. If he wants to use, he will use. All I can hope is that he wants to live, more than he wants to get high.
